how to write a humorous essay

How to Write a Satire Essay: Examples, Outline and Topics

Ever wondered how to craft those hilarious yet thought-provoking satire essays that leave readers chuckling and pondering? Well, you've come to the right place!

Have you ever found yourself chuckling at the absurdities of life and thought, 'Hmm, there's definitely an essay in that'? Ever pondered how humor could be used to shed light on societal quirks and injustices? If so, you're already on your way to mastering the art of satire writing.

In this guide, you'll learn the ins and outs of writing satire essay examples. We'll cover everything from choosing the perfect topic to mastering the satire techniques. So, grab your pen, and let's have some fun being funny together.

What is a Satire Essay

A satire essay blends humor with social commentary to critique societal issues, human behavior, or institutions. Unlike traditional essays, it aims to entertain while highlighting life's absurdities.

This genre of writing uses wit, irony, sarcasm, and exaggeration to expose flaws and contradictions in society, targeting politics, popular culture, social norms, and human nature. It also addresses serious topics humorously, sparking conversation, inspiring change, and drawing attention to important social issues.

Satire essays come in various forms, from biting political critique to playful social commentary. Whether it's through clever wordplay, absurd scenarios, or biting satire, the goal of you as an essay writer is to entertain, enlighten, and challenge readers to see the world in a new light.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit.

Wednesday Addams

Mysterious, dark, and sarcastic

You’re the master of dark humor and love standing out with your unconventional style. Your perfect costume? A modern twist on Wednesday Addams’ gothic look. You’ll own Halloween with your unapologetically eerie vibe. 🖤🕸️

Who Said Essays Have to Be Dull?

Order our witty satire essays and transform your writing from dull to delightful.

Types of a Satire Essay

Learning how to write a satire essay requires you to understand its different forms, each with its own unique style and approach to humorously critiquing society. Whether you ask us to write my essay or tackle it yourself, understanding its different types can help you choose the best format for conveying your message effectively. Here are some common types:

• Juvenalian Satire : This type of satire is harsh, bitter, and angry, focusing on exposing societal injustices, hypocrisy, and corruption.
• Horatian Satire : Named after the Roman poet Horace, this satire is lighthearted, playful, and witty, aiming to amuse while gently poking fun at human folly and societal absurdities.
• Menippean Satire : This satire is complex and unconventional, combining prose, verse, and various literary genres to critique society from multiple angles.
• Political Satire : Political satire humorously highlights the absurdities of politics, aiming to provoke thought and inspire change through parody and humor.
• Social Satire : Social satire critiques broader societal issues and cultural norms, such as relationships, consumerism, and technology, to prompt reflection on societal absurdities.
• Literary Satire : Literary satire uses literary conventions to critique traditions, genres, and authors, often through parody and metafiction.
• Visual Satire : Using images, cartoons, and caricatures, visual satire conveys satirical messages through humor and symbolism, often seen in political cartoons and memes.

25 Satirical Essay Topics

The topic you choose sets the stage for your humor and social commentary. From politics to pop culture, there's no shortage of informative essay topics that are also ripe for satirical critique. Here are 25 distinctive satirical essay ideas to inspire your satire:

• The Absurdity of Celebrity Culture : Explore the obsession with fame and the cult of celebrity.
• The Folly of Fashion Trends : Poke fun at the ever-changing world of fashion and beauty standards.
• The Myth of Perfect Parenting : Satirize the pressure to be a perfect parent in the age of social media.
• The Madness of Modern Technology : Lampoon our addiction to smartphones and social media.
• The Dystopia of Dating Apps : Examine the pitfalls of online dating and hookup culture.
• The Hilarity of Health Trends : Satirize the latest wellness fads and diet crazes.
• The Chaos of College Admissions : Explore the absurdities of the college application process.
• The Paradox of Political Correctness : Critique the complexities of navigating political correctness in today's society.
• The Irony of Environmental Activism : Satirize the contradictions inherent in environmental activism and green living.
• The Comedy of Corporate Culture : Examine the quirks and absurdities of office life and corporate culture.
• The Farce of Fashion Weeks : Lampoon the extravagance and pretentiousness of fashion weeks around the world.
• The Lunacy of Reality TV : Poke fun at the manufactured drama and shallowness of reality television.
• The Nonsense of Self-Help Books : Satirize the industry of self-help books and motivational seminars.
• The Ridiculousness of Social Justice Warriors : Critique the extremes of social justice activism and virtue signaling.
• The Comedy of Conspiracy Theories : Explore the bizarre world of conspiracy theories and their believers.
• The Absurdity of Gender Stereotypes : Satirize traditional gender roles and societal expectations.
• The Hypocrisy of Holistic Healing : Examine the contradictions of alternative medicine and holistic healing practices.
• The Parody of Political Campaigns : Poke fun at the theatrics and absurdities of political campaigns and election cycles.
• The Comedy of Class Reunions : Lampoon the nostalgia and awkwardness of high school reunions.
• The Folly of Fast Food Culture : Satirize the excesses and consequences of fast food consumption.
• The Madness of Memes : Explore the cultural significance and absurdity of internet memes.
• The Farce of Fashion Magazines : Critique the unrealistic beauty standards and consumerism promoted by fashion magazines.
• The Hilarity of Home Renovation Shows : Poke fun at the exaggerated transformations and drama of home renovation reality shows.
• The Paradox of Patriotism : Satirize the contradictions of nationalism and patriotic fervor.
• The Comedy of Cults and Communes : Examine the absurdities of fringe religious movements and utopian communities.

How to Write a Satire Essay: Outline Guide

Creating a solid satirical essay is like serving up a delicious dish of humor with a side of social commentary. But where do you start? How do you take your witty observations and turn them into a compelling satire essay? Fear not! In this section, we'll break down how to write a satire essay outline step by step, starting with crafting the perfect thesis statement.

Start with a Thesis Statement 

Writing a satire essay thesis statement is about encapsulating your satirical take on a particular issue or topic in a clear and concise manner. Your thesis statement should capture the essence of your satire – the target of your humor and the underlying message you're trying to convey.

For example, let's say you want to write a satire essay about the obsession with social media. Your thesis statement might be something like: 'In a world where likes and retweets reign supreme, social media becomes the ultimate stage for showcasing our most curated selves, blurring the lines between reality and virtual validation.'

This thesis statement sets the stage for your satire by highlighting the absurdity of our social media-driven culture and the disconnect between our online personas and real-life experiences. It presents a clear viewpoint that you'll then explore and dissect throughout your essay with humor and wit.

So, next time when crafting your thesis statement or asking us to write my thesis , remember to:

• Identify the specific issue or topic you want to satirize.
• Express your satirical take on the issue in a clear and concise manner.
• Ensure your thesis statement sets the tone for the rest of your essay and guides your readers toward your humorous critique.

Explain Your Idea in the First Body Paragraph

Now that you know how to start a satire essay and lay the foundation with your thesis statement, it's time to dive into the first body paragraph. Begin by expanding on the central idea introduced in your thesis statement. Keep the tone light and playful, but also ensure that your satire is rooted in truth and relevance.

Continuing with our example thesis statement about social media obsession, the first body paragraph might delve into the ways in which social media platforms have become integral parts of our daily lives. You could discuss the addictive nature of scrolling through feeds, the pressure to curate the perfect online persona, and the impact of social media on mental health and self-esteem.

Use descriptive language and vivid imagery to paint a picture of the absurdities inherent in the topic you're exploring. Highlight contradictions, hypocrisies, or ironies that underscore the satirical angle of your essay.

For instance, you might describe the lengths people go to for the perfect selfie or the absurdity of chasing virtual likes and validation. You could share personal anecdotes or humorous observations to bring the topic to life and engage your readers' imaginations.

Add More Layers in the Second Body Paragraph 

Building upon the groundwork laid in the first satire essay paragraph, this section allows you to explore additional facets of the topic and further develop your satirical critique. Start by identifying specific examples, scenarios, or observations that illustrate the absurdities or contradictions inherent in the topic you're satirizing.

Here, you might focus on the ways in which social media distorts our perceptions of reality and fuels a culture of comparison and envy. You could discuss the phenomenon of "FOMO" (fear of missing out) and the pressure to present a flawless image online, even if it's far from authentic.

You might also share stories of people going to extreme lengths to capture the perfect Instagram photo or the impact of cyberbullying and online harassment on mental health.

As you write the second body paragraph, strive to maintain a balance between humor and substance. Use humor to engage your readers and keep them entertained, but also provide meaningful commentary that prompts reflection and critical thinking.

Wrap Up with Impact 

As you wonder how to end a satire essay, remember to summarize the key points you've made about the topic at hand.

For example, in our satire essay about social media obsession, the conclusion might reiterate the pitfalls of seeking validation through likes and retweets, emphasizing the importance of authenticity and genuine human connection in a digital age.

Reflect on the broader implications of the topic you've explored and offer insights or suggestions for addressing the issues raised in your satire. This could involve proposing alternative approaches or solutions in a humorous manner, providing a sense of closure and hope amidst the laughter.

Finally, consider the overall impact of your satire essay and the emotions it evokes in your audience. Did you succeed in entertaining, enlightening, and provoking thought? Did you strike the right balance between humor and substance? Now that you know how to write a conclusion for an essay , reflect on your writing process and consider how you can continue to refine your skills as a satirist.

Handy Tips and Tricks

Before you begin making funny comments about society, let's talk about some easy tips to help you start. Writing a satire essay is all about being funny, using irony, and being a bit smart. If you need some assistance, you can ask us to help me do my essay . But for now, let's take a closer look at how you can improve your skills.

• Pick Your Focus : Satire works best when you make fun of something specific in society that you find funny or annoying.
• Try Different Things : Use different ways to be funny, like making jokes, using irony, or exaggerating things.
• Keep an Eye Out : Pay attention to what's happening around you for ideas. Satire often comes from real-life events or how people act.
• Look at Things Differently : Try writing from different viewpoints, like pretending to be a silly politician or a funny commentator.
• Have Fun : Remember, satire is all about having a good time and making people laugh. So, enjoy yourself and don't take it too seriously.

Satire Essay Examples

Through humor and wit, these satire essay examples offer insightful critiques of their respective subjects, demonstrating effective techniques for crafting satirical commentary.

4 Satire Essay Examples from World Literature

Satire is a popular tool in world literature, where famous writers use humor and irony to poke fun at society and human foolishness. Let's look at some well-known satire essay examples from literature and see how they work:

• 'Gulliver's Travels' by Jonathan Swift : Swift's 'Gulliver's Travels' is a political satire masterpiece. Through Lemuel Gulliver's wild adventures, Swift mocks 18th-century British society and human nature. One famous episode is Gulliver's visit to Lilliput, where tiny inhabitants squabble over silly things like how to crack an egg. Swift uses these absurdities to show the silliness of politics and people.
• 'Don Quixote' by Miguel de Cervantes : Cervantes' 'Don Quixote' pokes fun at chivalric romance. The main character, Don Quixote, is a delusional knight who goes on crazy quests to revive chivalry. Through his funny adventures, Cervantes criticizes the exaggerated ideals of honor and love. The book shows how fantasy can clash with reality in funny ways.
• 'Animal Farm' by George Orwell : Orwell's 'Animal Farm' is a powerful satire on totalitarianism. Animals rebel against humans on a farm, but soon, pigs take over and become dictators. Orwell uses the animals to represent political figures and ideas, showing the hypocrisy of authoritarian rule.
• 'Candide' by Voltaire : Voltaire's 'Candide' is a sharp satire on Enlightenment optimism. The main character, Candide, faces tragic and absurd situations but still believes everything is great. Through Candide's crazy adventures, Voltaire mocks the blind optimism of his time, revealing the harsh truths of human suffering and foolishness.

Final Words

Give yourself a pat on the back – you made it to the end of our writing adventure! With your sense of humor and a fresh understanding of life's funny quirks, you're all set to let your creativity loose on the page.

Just a friendly reminder: Satire isn't just about making jokes – it's a way to start conversations, question the status quo, and maybe even shake things up a bit. So, don't hold back! Try out different styles, go where your imagination takes you, and most importantly, be yourself.

Bored of the Same Old Essays?

Time to shake things up! Inject some humor into your academic life with our side-splitting satire essays.

How to Write a Satirical Essay?

What is a satirical essay, what is a good satire essay topic.

Daniel Parker

is a seasoned educational writer focusing on scholarship guidance, research papers, and various forms of academic essays including reflective and narrative essays. His expertise also extends to detailed case studies. A scholar with a background in English Literature and Education, Daniel’s work on EssayPro blog aims to support students in achieving academic excellence and securing scholarships. His hobbies include reading classic literature and participating in academic forums.

is an expert in nursing and healthcare, with a strong background in history, law, and literature. Holding advanced degrees in nursing and public health, his analytical approach and comprehensive knowledge help students navigate complex topics. On EssayPro blog, Adam provides insightful articles on everything from historical analysis to the intricacies of healthcare policies. In his downtime, he enjoys historical documentaries and volunteering at local clinics.

Humorous Writing (A Guide to Adding Humor to Writing)

Want to keep readers coming back? Tickle their funny bone with humorous writing.

Whether it’s a novel, a short story , or a blog post, a dash of humor can be a game-changer. But crafting comedy isn’t one-size-fits-all. From witty one-liners to playful satire, the spectrum of humor is vast. Remember, what has one person in stitches might leave another scratching their head. So, know your audience, and then dive into these techniques to pepper your prose with chuckles.

Various Forms of Humorous Writing

There are several types of humor you can use to make your piece more entertaining and jovial. Sarcasm, wit, irony, and satire are all effective ways to make your readers laugh or at least smile. However, it’s important to use each type of humor at the right moment, so your punchline lands perfectly.

Many often view sarcasm as the lowest form of witticism because it relies on mean-spiritedness and mockery. It can be funny if used in moderation, but too much sarcasm will make your writing seem unprofessional and petty.

Wit is similar to sarcasm, except that it uses intelligence and cleverness instead of condescension and mockery. It employs puns , wordplay, and double meanings to lead the reader down an amusing path.

Irony occurs when what happens contradicts what was expected. This discrepancy between expectation and reality can create some hilarious situations. This is like when a character in your story concocted a scheme that hilariously backfires on him.

Last but not least, we have satire, which makes fun of people or ideas by using exaggeration, ridicule, or parody. When done right, satire pokes holes in some hot arguments and brings attention to societal issues . Controversial politicians and other celebrities are often subjected to satire by comedians.

Use Them Wisely!

All four forms of funny business we discussed can enhance your writing if used carefully. Keep in mind though that overdoing any of these methods may result in wasted time, so choose your chuckles wisely! Try using irony or sarcasm in situations where it would be unexpected but still make sense within the story’s context. Or play around with word choice by making absurd comparisons or substitutions (like referring to a very tall and lanky character as “beanpole”). If done well, humorous writing can enhance your readers’ experience. Just don’t overdo it or force the jokes to the point that it doesn’t appear natural in the piece itself. Often, a little goes a long way!

How to Write Humorously

Humor is a great way to hook readers, and have them coming back for more. Our inherent desire to laugh motivates us to share funny YouTube videos and respond to text messages with iconic smiley faces. Many people choose to get their daily news with a touch of comedy from outlets like “The Daily Show,” “The Colbert Report” or “ The Onion “. This is to show that we would rather laugh than sit and wallow in sadness. Humorous writing is not limited to comic strips, as it also benefits any form of conversational or narrative compositions, such as short stories, articles, books, and essays. By the way, don’t forget to proofread your work for spelling and grammar mistakes.

Elements of Hum or in Writing

Who doesn’t enjoy some dark humor from time to time? Have you noticed that even in movies of the horror genre , filmmakers try to inject a little humor now and then? This is known as comedic relief and it makes movies more enjoyable. But before you start cracking jokes, there are a few elements you should know about using humor in your writing:

One of the most important elements of humor is timing and delivering the punchline at the right moment. Knowing when to deliver a joke is crucial, and if you do it too soon or too late, the effect will be lost.

2. Relevance

Another important element of humor in writing is relevance. Your jokes should be relevant to the topic at hand. Otherwise, they’ll just seem out of place and forced.

3. Comical Value

Finally, make sure that your jokes land. There’s nothing worse than an attempted bit of wit that falls flat. If you keep these elements in mind, you’re well on your way to adding some hilarity to your writing. So go forth and entertain us all. If you want to add humor to your writing, timing is everything! Make sure your jokes are relevant and land – otherwise, you’ll just end up looking like a fool.

Why Incorporate a Bit of Humor Into Your Next Piece?

Humor is a great way to make your writing more interesting and vivacious. It can also help lighten the mood or make a serious subject more relatable. The goal of adding some humor to your writing project is not about becoming the next Woody Allen or David Sedaris (unless that’s your dream). The objective is to improve your writing by using all the tools available to you, including comedy.

1. Brainstorm Ideas with Friends or Fellow Writers

This can help give you a fresh perspective on what might be funny. Experiment with different types of humor until you find one that works well with your voice and style. Brainstorming can help you generate more ideas, reduce writing anxiety, and focus your attention on the most relevant content when writing. This is essential before outlining the major points needed to create well-organized short stories and writing in general.

2. Pay Attention to Timing and Delivery

Jokes that are too long or arrive at the wrong moment will fall flat. Work on perfecting your delivery so that readers laugh when they’re supposed to. Polishing your timing and delivery is crucial for maximizing the impact of your joke. This will help you achieve the desired result, which is to make the readers laugh. Psychologist and bestselling author Dean Buonomano points out in his book Your Brain is a Time Machine that our mind not only tracks the passage of time but can also stretch or compress our sense of that passage in various ways. So why not give humor a try in your next piece? It might just take your writing from good to great.

FAQs on Humorous Writing

1. how do you write a funny poem.

There is no one way to write a funny poem, but you can try these tips:

• Thinking of a topic that will be entertaining to read about.
• Using rhyme and other poetic devices to add levity and interest.
• Keeping the overall tone lighthearted.

Following these guidelines can help you create a poem that will bring smiles (or even laughter) to your readers’ faces.

2. How do you come up with a funny story?

Every funny story is different, but here are a few things to take heed of to help you come up with a hilarious tale.

• Try to think of a situation that would be universally relatable and entertaining.
• Add in some elements of exaggeration or absurdity to make the story even more humorous.
• Don’t forget the punchline! A good joke will leave your audience laughing out loud. So, make sure yours is solid.

If you like to master humorous writing, following these tips and techniques can help get you started. Just remember not to overdo it. A bit of humor goes a long way! And be sure to keep your audience in mind so that you don’t end up offending anyone with your jokes. With a light touch and the right approach, humorous writing can be a great asset to any piece. Next up, you may want to explore a guide on how to start a business plan writing service .

Get your free PDF report: Download your guide to 80+ AI marketing tools and learn how to thrive as a marketer in the digital era.

Rafal Reyzer

Hey there, welcome to my blog! I'm a full-time entrepreneur building two companies, a digital marketer, and a content creator with 10+ years of experience. I started RafalReyzer.com to provide you with great tools and strategies you can use to become a proficient digital marketer and achieve freedom through online creativity. My site is a one-stop shop for digital marketers, and content enthusiasts who want to be independent, earn more money, and create beautiful things. Explore my journey here , and don't miss out on my AI Marketing Mastery online course.

Crafting Wit and Wisdom: A Guide to Satire Essay, Topics and Examples

Table of contents

• 1 Definition of satire and its historical background
• 2 Elements of a Satirical Essay
• 3 Choosing a Topic
• 4 Analyzing the Subject Matter for Potential Angles of Satire
• 5 Writing the Essay
• 6 What is a Satirical Essay: Examples of Satirical Essays
• 7 Fine Line Between Satire and Offensiveness
• 8 Concluding Thoughts: The Art of Writing the Satire Essay

In this insightful article, we delve into the realm of satire essays, a unique form of writing that blends criticism with humor.

Here’s what we’ll cover:

• Unveiling the essence of satire essay, its history, and types like Horatian and Juvenalian.
• Exploring the vital elements of a satirical essay, emphasizing a robust thesis, and the use of irony and sarcasm.
• Navigating the process of choosing engaging topics, including 50 hand-picked suggestions.
• Detailed guidance on structuring your satirical essay for maximum impact.
• Learning from examples of renowned satirical essays.
• Understanding the delicate balance between satire and sensitivity.

Join us as we explore these facets of satire essay writing, equipping you with the knowledge to create compelling, thought-provoking academic essays .

Definition of satire and its historical background

Satire, a literary genre known for its clever blend of humor and critique, has a rich history and diverse forms. Originating in ancient times, satire has been used to expose follies and vices in society, individuals, and institutions. The two main types of satire are Horatian and Juvenalian. Horatian satire, named after the Roman poet Horace, is characterized by a light-hearted and humorous tone, aiming more to amuse than to condemn. In contrast, Juvenalian satire, inspired by the Roman poet Juvenal, is more severe and abrasive, often expressing indignation and moral outrage.

The role of humor, irony, and exaggeration in satire cannot be overstated. These elements are tools for satirists to entertain, provoke thought, and challenge the status quo. For instance, exaggeration can highlight the absurdity of a situation, while irony can reveal contradictions and hypocrisies.

When considering topics for satire, it’s important to choose ones that resonate with the audience and remain relevant. Satire essay topics can range from light-hearted social commentary to more biting political criticism. The key is to select a subject that offers ample scope for humor and insightful critique. A satirical essay becomes an impactful tool for social commentary and change by selecting and handling these topics.

Elements of a Satirical Essay

A satirical essay is a unique fusion of humor and criticism woven to convey a thought-provoking message. Central to its success is a robust, clear thesis statement. This serves as the essay’s cornerstone, encapsulating the satirical argument. The thesis should be forthright and reflect the writer’s stance on the subject matter, whether it’s tinged with mockery, a critical edge, or a humorous slant.

The employment of rhetorical devices like irony, sarcasm, and parody is integral to the essence of a satirical essay. Irony stands out as a potent tool. It enables writers to express one thing while implying something else, often the opposite. This juxtaposition of the literal and the intended meaning adds layers to the satire, enriching its impact. Sarcasm, a variant of verbal irony, is adept at mocking or expressing disdain. On the other hand, parody involves imitating a subject or style to expose its flaws and absurdities.

A satirical essay is a clever blend of humor and critique, anchored by a clear, strong thesis and brought to life with the strategic use of rhetorical devices like irony, sarcasm, and parody. The choice of topic is crucial, as it needs to lend itself to satirical treatment, allowing the writer to lampoon the subject while engaging and enlightening the reader.

Choosing a Topic

The best topics for a satirical essay are those that resonate with your audience and remain relevant over time. Current events, social behaviors, and cultural phenomena are fertile grounds for satire. While choosing, consider what things to write a satire about that would engage and provoke thought in your readers. The effectiveness of your satire will depend on the relevance and universality of the topic selected.

When considering satire ideas, the topics should be chosen for their potential to be viewed through a satirical lens. This could involve turning a critical eye on societal norms, political policies, or even everyday absurdities. Funny satire topics revolve around current events, popular culture, or universal human behaviors, offering a wealth of material for insightful yet humorous critique.

Satirical essay ideas should aim to entertain, provoke thought, and encourage reflection. Topics to satirize can range from the mundane to the controversial, each offering a unique opportunity to highlight inconsistencies, hypocrisies, or the humorous side of life.

Here are some current and timeless topics that work well for satirical essays.

• The Perpetual Pursuit of the Perfect Body Image
• The Digital Detox: Escaping Social Media’s Grip
• The Billionaire Space Race: A New Playground for the Rich
• Fast Fashion Frenzy: The Race to the Bottom of Your Closet
• The Automation of Everything: When Robots Take Over Daily Tasks
• The Evolution of the Coffee Culture: From Bean to Obsession
• The “Influencer” Lifestyle: Reality vs. Instagram
• The Political Tug-of-War: A Satirical Look at Partisan Politics
• The Self-Help Paradox: More Books, Less Clarity
• The Tech Disconnect: Smartphones and the Illusion of Connection
• The Art of Procrastination in the Digital Age
• The College Admissions Arms Race: A Game of Prestige and Pressure
• The Corporate Buzzword Bingo: Synergy, Leverage, and Disruption
• The Quest for Immortality: Silicon Valley and the Fountain of Youth
• The Satire of Surveillance: Living in a Panopticon
• The Cult of Productivity: Doing More, Enjoying Less
• The Modern Dating Scene: Swiping Left on Romance
• The Vegan Revolution: Meatless Mondays and Beyond
• The Age of Misinformation: Navigating a Post-Truth World
• The Gig Economy Grind: Freedom or Freelance Frenzy?
• The Generation Gap: Baby Boomers vs. Millennials vs. Gen Z
• The Reality TV Paradox: Fame, Fortune, and Fabrication
• The Luxury of Minimalism: Spending More to Have Less
• The Endless Streaming Cycle: From Binge-Watching to Burnout
• The Battle Against Aging: Creams, Serums, and Unrealistic Expectations
• The Festival of Fads: Detoxes, Cleanses, and Other Health Mysteries
• The Tyranny of the Tidy: Marie Kondo and the Quest to Declutter
• The Irony of Connectivity: Lonelier in a More Connected World
• The Mirage of the “Perfect” Family on Social Media
• The Paradox of Choice in the Modern Consumer Society
• The DIY Disaster: When Pinterest Dreams Face Reality
• The Pursuit of Happiness Through Retail Therapy
• The Sacred Rituals of the Morning Routine YouTube Gurus
• The Mock Election: Satirizing Political Campaign Promises
• The Superhero Syndrome: The Oversaturation of Comic Book Movies
• The Great Organic Odyssey: Is It Really Better?
• The Exotic Pet Epidemic: From Tigers to Tarantulas
• The High Seas of Hobby Collecting: From Stamps to Sneakers
• The Dystopia of Driverless Cars: Are We There Yet?
• The Parable of the Paperless Office: More Paper Than Ever

Analyzing the Subject Matter for Potential Angles of Satire

Once you’ve selected a topic, the next step is to analyze it for satirical potential. Begin by identifying the subject’s inherent absurdities, hypocrisies, or contradictions. This critical examination allows you to uncover potential angles for satirical commentary. For example, in political satire, you might focus on discrepancies between a politician’s words and actions. In cultural satire, you could highlight the extremes of societal trends. This stage is vital as it sets the foundation for your satirical approach, shaping the direction and tone of your essay.

Remember, the goal is to provoke thought and discussion by presenting familiar issues in a new, humorous light. Your analysis should strike a balance between humor and insight, ensuring that your satire resonates with the audience while offering a fresh perspective on the topic.

Writing the Essay

Writing a satirical essay involves a strategic combination of humor, criticism, and a well-structured satirical essay outline . Begin with an engaging introduction that captures the essence of your satire. This could include an anecdote, a surprising fact, or a bold statement setting your essay’s tone. The introduction should culminate in a clear, concise thesis statement that encapsulates your satirical stance.

As you move into the body of your essay, each paragraph should focus on a specific aspect or example of your topic. This is where you can showcase different types of satire, such as irony, exaggeration, or parody, to strengthen your argument. Use vivid and descriptive language to paint a clear picture for your readers. Incorporating real-life examples or referencing satirical essay examples can illustrate your points. Balancing humor with factual information is important, ensuring your essay is entertaining and informative.

Consider using various rhetorical strategies to enhance your satire when developing your argument. Techniques like hyperbole can exaggerate your topic’s absurdities, while irony can highlight contradictions and inconsistencies. Sarcasm can add a sharp edge to your critique. Remember, the goal is to provoke thought and encourage a deeper understanding of the subject matter through humor.

In the concluding paragraph, summarize the main points of your essay, reinforcing your satirical message. The conclusion should echo your thesis and leave a lasting impression on the reader. A well-crafted conclusion will tie all your ideas together, emphasizing the significance of your satire and its impact on the reader’s perception of the topic.

Throughout your essay, maintain a consistent tone and style. The best satire essays are those that blend wit with wisdom, using humor as a tool to shed light on serious topics.

What is a Satirical Essay: Examples of Satirical Essays

The satirical essay genre blends humor with incisive social commentary. This essay leverages wit to critique everything from political policies to societal norms, often revealing underlying truths in an entertaining and thought-provoking way.

A classic satire essay example is Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal ,” a pinnacle of Juvenalian satire. Swift’s essay, known for its biting and ironic tone, suggests that the impoverished Irish could alleviate their financial woes by selling their children as delicacies to the wealthy. This preposterous idea is not a whimsical musing but a sharp indictment of the brutal British policies towards the Irish and a comment on the apathy of the Irish people to their own plight.

This essay is a prime illustration of how to start a satire essay. Swift adopts a grave and sincere tone to advance an absurd proposition. This stark contrast between his tone and the ludicrousness of his proposal accentuates the absurdity of the situation he critiques. This strategic use of irony, where the true intent is veiled behind an opposite statement, is common in satirical essays. It allows writers to deliver powerful critiques in an engaging and impactful manner.

Another form of satire is Horatian satire, deriving its name from the Roman poet Horace. This type of satire differs from the abrasive Juvenalian style. A more playful, lighthearted approach characterizes Horatian satire. It tends to poke fun at human foibles and follies without aiming to cause distress or provoke significant change. It’s a more subdued and humorous satire, intending more to amuse than agitate.

For authors drafting a satirical essay, the choice of satire type is vital. It should align with both the subject matter and the intended message.

By analyzing seminal works like Swift’s “A Modest Proposal,” writers can learn to employ satire, creating works that are not just humorous but also insightful and thought-provoking. Effective satire has the power to be an influential tool for social commentary and change, making it a valuable and enduring form of literary expression.

Fine Line Between Satire and Offensiveness

Navigating the delicate boundary separating satire from offensiveness is paramount. While satire wields the potential for profound impact, it teeters on the edge of insensitivity. Responsible satirists know their audience and the broader context, ensuring their work critiques without inflicting harm. When addressing sensitive subjects, a delicate equilibrium is required. Satire becomes a tool for enlightenment rather than alienation or offense, using humor to shed light on societal issues without causing undue distress.

Concluding Thoughts: The Art of Writing the Satire Essay

In summary, the art of satire is a powerful yet intricate tool, merging humor with sharp social observation. Its core objective is to question established norms and provoke self-reflection. To write an effective satire essay, one must balance insightful critique with an approach that avoids offending. This genre requires a delicate touch, using wit and irony to make a point. An essential aspect of crafting a satirical piece involves creating a well-structured outline that supports the satirical thesis while engaging the reader. The creators and consumers of satire need to appreciate its significant potential to influence and its inherent responsibility towards society. Satire is not a literary device but a call to use its capabilities with wisdom and consideration.

Readers also enjoyed

WHY WAIT? PLACE AN ORDER RIGHT NOW!

Just fill out the form, press the button, and have no worries!

We use cookies to give you the best experience possible. By continuing we’ll assume you board with our cookie policy.

Tips On Writing and Publishing Funny Personal Essays

Some things i've learned, tips from others, and a few places to submit.

Today’s post is part of my “Writing Resources and Tips” section. Friendly reminder that if you are not interested in writing topics you can adjust your subscription preferences by visiting this link and toggling off any sections that don’t interest you.

Also, I’m going to run a humor writing challenge in January where we write one funny line a day. Interested? Learn more about it here .

My origin story for writing funny personal essays is probably familiar to other writers of the form: I was inspired to try them after reading a collection of essays by David Sedaris. I had studied fiction writing and journalism as an undergrad but was unaware of the humourous personal essay genre, and Sedaris’s books introduced me to it.

I was living in Seattle then and went to a bookstore signing with Sedaris where I got the inscription above and remember that he was allowed to smoke in the store (the early aughts were a wild time!).

This is a long way of saying I have been writing and submitting humorous essays for a long time and have found some things that help with publishing them.

In this post, I’m going to share some of my tips, share tips from other funny essay writers, and highlight some potential markets to submit to.

Tips for writing funny essays for mainstream markets

The below tips are specific to essays you want to submit for publication in mainstream markets. There are plenty of other venues for essays (like Substack, contests, or lit mags) but these tips are specific to essays for publications geared at more general audiences because those are the type of funny essays I most frequently write.

A funny essay isn’t just an anecdote

Shortly after starting to (try to) write humorous essays I moved to New York, took my first humor writing class, and learned some more techniques and tips on submitting.

This led to me publishing a couple of humorous essays (like this one and this one ), but my rejection rate was high and I found it hard to find a lot of places that ran personal essays if you were not already a person famous for writing funny personal essays.

Several years later I had an aha moment while reading the book Naked, Drunk, and Writing . In it, Lara discusses the difference between a funny anecdote and an essay.

Plenty of people have stories that are good funny anecdotes to tell at a party but they don’t make for good essays because there is no change, realization, or takeaway in them.

I had previously been building a lot of essays around funny stories and sometimes I could pull off making some meaning or a full piece out of them, but when I shifted to focus on what change, realization, or takeaway could come from the funny story I had more success in selling them.

Sometimes the anecdote can be a part of a funny essay, but it often doesn’t cut it on its own. And I think starting from an epiphany or change you had about something is just a good technique for personal essays whether they are funny or not.

In fact, now the first draft of an essay I write is typically not all that funny but I go back in and add humor to it when revising.

There are different kinds of personal essays out there and more literary ones don’t need to be so obvious about stating the takeaway but many of the mainstream markets want them and sometimes even hint at it in the headline (e.g. “I had X experience. Here’s What I Learned From It.")

Most mainstream digital markets want short pieces

There are some exceptions, but most mainstream online markets want something in the 600 to 800-word range so it’s better to aim for that if your goal is to submit to those markets. This is not a lot of words so you’ve got to get in and out quickly.

When I started out writing funny essays I was writing longer ones which I think made them harder to place. Places like lit mags or Modern Love go a bit longer, but a lot of digital markets seem to want shorter ones.

Essays can have varying amounts of humor

I think when people hear “funny essay” they sometimes imagine something where the subject is light and it is packed with jokes. But the amount of humor in humorous essays can vary.

I often try to get at least a little humor into the essays I write (and sadly some of this humor gets cut in the editing process) but it’s sometimes only one or two jokes. I think being open to writing pieces with different amounts of humor can help sell pieces.

Studying writers whose styles you like to see how they are using humor can also help get an idea of the different ranges of humorous essays.

Sometimes finding a home for something takes time

When I was first starting out, I took some personal essay writing classes and wrote and refined several pieces but some of those pieces took a long time to sell. I would submit and revise and then submit again.

One such piece was this one that I wrote about my time working at Amazon in the early days of the company. I had been revising and submitting it for years when a timely hook about the company popped up and it was finally accepted. (Also Salon is a site that is willing to go a bit longer in some of the essays they run.)

Humorous essay craft tips from people who are not me

I asked for tips on writing humorous essays from readers in a previous newsletter and got some good craft tips:

Humor writer and teacher Sarah Garfinkel said

“1) I like to start with a small embarrassing moment and then think of everything that exists in the world of that moment, so the reader gets a peek into how I felt in that moment, even if it was only a split second and the essay is hundreds of words! I also like to share the personal/social stakes to heighten the details and add goofiness. 2) In addition to teaching, I’m a freelance editor! I’ve edited hundreds of personal essays (funny, serious, and combo!)—feel free to reach out if you’d like support with drafting/revising/editing/encouragement!”

Humor writer, teacher , and Substacker Elissa Bassist writes funny personal essay and wrote the tragicomic memoir Hysterical . She outlined her top tips for humor writing in this post .

I co-sign her first tip in the list:

“Stop telling yourself you’re not funny. Stop thinking it. Stop right now.”

Writer Andrea Askowitz who has written funny essays said:

“Let your humor come as a surprise. So, instead of writing witty sentences, that can come across as trying too hard, tell what happened from your uniquely funny point of view.”

Markets for funny personal essays

I think that most markets that publish personal essays are open to essays with some element of humor in them. How much humor probably depends on the topic and the market but because so many personal essays often deal with heavier subject matter I think humor is often welcome. And even serious topics can mix humor in.

Here are a few potential markets:

Insider has been running a lot of personal essays lately and some have humor in them. Several editors there frequently publish calls for submissions on Twitter and the site has a useful How to Pitch guide online.

Huff Post Personal runs a lot of personal essays and they have been known to run humorous ones (like this one ). Here are their submission guidelines and Freelance Writing Direct, the podcast Estelle Erasmus co-hosts, has a helpful episode with one of the editors that you should check out here .

Romper and Bustle will run essays with humorous elements and they both have good online pitching guides: Romper Guide and Bustle Guide [Fun fact: I once met with an editor for Bustle at a freelancing conference and she recommended freelancers look at the online guide and I then used it to successfully pitch them, so it really does outline what they want].

There are many more markets that run personal essays and the best way to learn about them is to read potential publications that might be a good fit for the topic of your essay. I see essays in travel pubs, food pubs, and many other types of pubs.

If you want a compiled list of some options, I’ve got a pitching guide for over 40 publications for paying subscribers here .

The two other things that can help are:

Twitter editor calls for pitches . I am currently spending very little time on Twitter, so I subscribe to Sonia Weisner’s Opportunities of the Week newsletter to get pitches emailed to me to save me time searching for them. You can also search Twitter to try find editor names/older pitch calls to get ideas on where to send things.

Following other funny writers who publish personal essays to see where they are publishing. I think this is especially helpful if you can do it for writers who have a similar style to you and who are not super-famous. Samantha Irby and David Sedaris are both great, but at this point in their careers, they can probably publish a lot of places that may be harder to break into for other writers.

Pitching help

If you need more tips on pitching, I wrote more about pitching personal essays and included a successful example of mine in this post .

Do you have other funny essay-writing tips or questions? Feel free to post them in the comments.

Humor Me is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Discussion about this post

Ready for more?

How To Write: The Humorous Essay, for College Applications

There are all sorts of different essays that you can write for your college applications. The intellectual essay. The identity story. The tale of the underdog. Cardinal Education is here with a series on the different types of angles you’ll want to take in your writing. We’ll start with one of the most fun to write, yet one of the hardest to truly pull off: the humorous essay.

So, What Makes “Funny” Funny For College Admissions Officers?

There’s no doubt that funny essays can be wildly successful with admissions officers. The college application is all about showing off your personality, and what better way to show your personality off than by demonstrating that you know how to make a joke? Obviously, though, if you want to write a funny essay, it has to be funny. Here are our thoughts on how to achieve that.

Humor is so diverse and complex that there’s really no one way to define it. There’s self-deprecating humor, there’s slapstick humor, there’s wordplay, there’s satire, and more . Many will say that there’s no one formula to make something hilarious and that everyone has to find a way to be funny by themselves. While this is true to some extent, these are a few things that different styles of humor have in common:

Humor relies on the unexpected. This is the first thing that many will tell you in a how-to-be-funny guide: you can get your biggest laughs out of surprise twists and turns. Lead your audience to believe one thing will happen, then crack a joke about how the opposite actually occurred. Tell them how you expected a certain outcome, but something else happened and you couldn’t help but laugh. Or make a list where one of the items is not like the others. For example, things you learned while nature researching up North: the importance of biodiversity, the ability to work on a team, and…never leaving the house without an extra pair of socks. Think beyond simply telling a story to all the surprising things that happened along the way.

Humor is all about setup and delivery. Every punchline has a setup, and you’ll want to structure your narrative to set up for all the remarks you’re going to pepper through your piece. You don’t want to turn the whole thing into a joke after joke because then each one you write has less impact; instead, spend some time narrating the setups to your best punchlines in a way that makes them as—well—punchy as possible. Yet it’s not as though these narrations should be completely unfunny themselves. Think about the tone you’re trying to set, bring it ahead, and then yank the expectations right from under your readers’ feet.

Humor makes witty observations on the commonplace. This is part of the fact that it relies on the unexpected—it finds something new, fresh, and snappy to say about everyday things, from farming to fishing to the embarrassing moments that inevitably make up our lives. Poke some gentle fun at commonplace expectations and situations; stand-up comedians are experts at this. If you’re the type of person who can see something special in the mundane, admissions officers are sure to appreciate it.

Good humor punches up, rather than punching down. What is meant by this is that humor makes fun of those who are in a position of great power in society, rather than people who have relatively little power. You can joke about CEOs—that’s called satire—but not about janitors; that’s called classism. And you certainly can’t make jokes at the expense of students at your school that you don’t like—that’s called bullying. As you craft your essay, make sure to keep this in mind.

The Best Humor for College Essays Has a Point

Now you have a few pointers on how to write funny. You probably also have a few jokes in mind about your experiences. Once you start writing out what you’ve envisioned in your head, you then need to ask yourself: what is the overall point you’re trying to make?

This is the sort of thing that makes a lot of comedy great—it’s ultimately aimed at saying something deeper about society and about the way we do things. It would be good to learn from such comedy about how to tie your humor back to a deeper meaning behind it. Use your sense of humor to expose personal truths about what you’ve learned throughout the story of your journey. Use it to show admissions officers that you’re truly a better person, more ready for adulthood because of what you’ve discovered. If you can leave them in stitches while also leaving them with a profound takeaway, the beautiful picture you’ve created of yourself will be complete.

One Last Word of Advice: Don’t Force It

If you find yourself struggling too hard to write any of this, trying to force out jokes, then maybe the humorous essay is not your style. This essay can be a favorite at the admissions table if done right, but potentially disastrous if it’s not. Perhaps you’re not a natural comedian, and that’s perfectly fine. What matters most is that your essay reflects who you are on the page; maybe in our next installment of the How To series, you’ll find what’s best for you!

What grade level is your child in? Elementary School Level Middle School Level High School Level

What services are you looking for? Private School Admissions College Admissions Standardized Test Prep Subject Tutoring

How did you hear about us? A Referral Google Search

Tel: (888) 521-5243

Email: [email protected]

• Our Mission
• College Admissions
• Private School Admissions
• Private School Test Prep
• College Test Prep
• Online Tutoring
• History Tutoring
• Science Tutoring
• Math Tutoring
• Language Tutoring
• Competition Math
• Program in Writing and Reading (PWR)
• Academic Coaching
• Executive Function
• Learning Differences
• Acceptances
• Testimonials
• Case Studies
• Useful Links
• Recommended Reading
• Partner with CE
• What makes us special?
• Our History
• Open Positions
• Accommodations Information
• Admissions Process
• Test Logistics

OUR OFFICES

Burlingame office.

100 El Camino Real, Suite 101 Burlingame, CA 94010 (888) 521-5243 [email protected]

Woodside Office

2920 Woodside Rd, Suite D Woodside, CA 94062 (888) 521-5243 [email protected]

Beverly Hills, LA Office

9350 Wilshire Blvd, Suite 203 Beverly Hills, CA 90212 (310) 904-6055 [email protected]

Bellevue, WA Office

1239 120th Ave NE, Suite A Bellevue, WA 98005 (425) 785-7688 [email protected]

New York, NY Office

26 Broadway, Suite 934, New York, NY 10004 (212) 516-1132 [email protected]

• Humanities ›
• English Grammar ›

Definition and Examples of Humorous Essays

Glossary of Grammatical and Rhetorical Terms

• An Introduction to Punctuation
• Ph.D., Rhetoric and English, University of Georgia
• M.A., Modern English and American Literature, University of Leicester
• B.A., English, State University of New York

A humorous essay is a type of personal  or familiar essay that has the primary aim of amusing readers rather than informing or persuading them. Also called a comic essay or light essay .

Humorous essays often rely on narration and description as dominant rhetorical and  organizational strategies .

Notable writers of humorous essays in English include Dave Barry, Max Beerbohm, Robert Benchley, Ian Frazier, Garrison Keillor, Stephen Leacock, Fran Lebowitz, Dorothy Parker, David Sedaris, James Thurber, Mark Twain, and E.B. White—among countless others. (Many of these comic writers are represented in our collection of  Classic British and American Essays and Speeches .)

Observations

• "What makes the humorous essay different from other forms of essay writing is . . . well . . . it's the humor. There must be something in it that prompts the readers to smile, chuckle, guffaw, or choke on their own laughter. In addition to organizing your material, you must search out the fun in your topic." (Gene Perret, Damn! That's Funny!: Writing Humor You Can Sell . Quill Driver Books, 2005)
• "On the basis of a long view of the history of the humorous essay , one could, if reducing the form to its essentials, say that while it can be aphoristic , quick, and witty, it more often harks back to the 17th-century character 's slower, fuller descriptions of eccentricities and foibles—sometimes another's, sometimes the essayist 's, but usually both." (Ned Stuckey-French, "Humorous Essay." Encyclopedia of the Essay , ed. by Tracy Chevalier. Fitzroy Dearborn Publishers, 1997)
• "Because of fewer constraints, humorous essays allow for genuine feelings of joy, anger, sorrow and delight to be expressed. In short, in Western literature the humorous essay is by and large the most ingenious type of literary essay. Every person who writes humorous essays, in addition to having a lively writing style , must first possess a unique understanding that comes from observing life." (Lin Yutang, "On Humour," 1932. Joseph C. Sample, "Contextualizing Lin Yutang's Essay 'On Humour': Introduction and Translation." Humour in Chinese Life and Letters , ed. by J.M. Davis and J. Chey. Hong Kong University Press, 2011)
• Three Quick Tips for Composing a Humorous Essay 1. You need a story, not just jokes. If your goal is to write compelling nonfiction , the story must always come first—what is it you are meaning to show us, and why should the reader care? It is when the humor takes a backseat to the story being told that the humorous essay is most effective and the finest writing is done. 2. The humorous essay is no place to be mean or spiteful. You can probably skewer a politician or personal injury lawyer with abandon, but you should be gentle when mocking the common man. If you seem mean-spirited, if you take cheap shots, we aren't so willing to laugh. 3. The funniest people don't guffaw at their own jokes or wave big "look at how funny I am" banners over their heads. Nothing kills a joke more than the joke teller slamming a bony elbow into your ribs, winking, and shouting, 'Was that funny, or what?' Subtlety is your most effective tool. (Dinty W. Moore, Crafting the Personal Essay: A Guide for Writing and Publishing Creative Nonfiction . Writer's Digest Books, 2010)
• Finding a Title for a Humorous Essay "Whenever I've written, say, a humorous essay (or what I think passes as a humorous essay), and I can't come up with any title at all that seems to fit the piece, it usually means the piece hasn't really congealed as it should have. The more I unsuccessfully cast about for a title that speaks to the point of the piece, the more I realize that maybe, just maybe, the piece doesn't have a single, clear point. Maybe it's grown too diffuse, or it rambles around over too much ground. What did I think was so funny in the first place?" (Robert Masello, Robert's Rules of Writing . Writer's Digest Books, 2005)
• What is a Familiar Essay in Composition?
• Appeal to Humor as Fallacy
• How is a Daffynition Word Used?
• Learn How to Use Extended Definitions in Essays and Speeches
• Periodical Essay Definition and Examples
• The Essay: History and Definition
• What is Snark?
• Meiosis (Rhetoric)
• What Is Alliteration in English?
• What Is an Anecdote?
• Aptronym Names
• What Is Verbal Play?
• What Is a Malapropism? Definition and Examples
• Future Perfect (Verbs) Definition and Examples
• What Is the Meaning of the Grammar Term Cacophemism?
• Definition Examples of Collage Essays

Home — Blog — Topic Ideas — Top 60 Satire Topics for Thought-Provoking and Humorous Essays

Top 60 Satire Topics for Thought-Provoking and Humorous Essays

Satire is a unique and powerful literary genre that combines humor, irony, and critical commentary to reflect on society's flaws and absurdities. Writing a satire essay allows students to explore contemporary issues creatively and humorously. This article provides a comprehensive guide to satire essay topics, including funny satire topics, satire ideas, and examples for students.

Understanding Satire

Historical Background

Satire has a rich history, dating back to ancient Greek and Roman literature. Notable satirists like Aristophanes, Juvenal, and Horace used humor and irony to critique their societies. In modern times, figures like Jonathan Swift, Mark Twain, and George Orwell have continued this tradition, using satire to highlight societal issues and provoke thought.

Elements of Satire

Satire relies on several key elements to be effective:

• Irony : Using words to convey a meaning opposite to their literal meaning.
• Exaggeration : Amplifying characteristics or situations to absurd levels.
• Parody : Imitating the style of a particular genre, person, or work for comedic effect.
• Wit : Clever and humorous expression of ideas.

How to Write a Satire Essay

• Choosing a Topic

Choosing a relevant and relatable topic is crucial for a successful satire essay. Look for subjects that resonate with current events or common experiences. Consider brainstorming with peers or conducting research to find issues that provoke strong opinions or emotions.

• Research and Planning

Thorough research is essential to understand the subject and develop insightful commentary. Create an outline to organize your thoughts and ensure a logical flow of ideas. Identify the key points you want to satirize and how you will use humor to highlight them.

• Writing Techniques

Incorporate satire effectively by balancing humor with critical commentary. Use irony, exaggeration, and parody to emphasize the absurdities of your topic. Ensure your humor is clear and does not overshadow the message you intend to convey.

60 Satire Essay Topics for Students

Good satire topics.

• The Social Media Influencer Phenomenon : Satirize the rise of influencers and their impact on society, focusing on the absurdity of their influence on lifestyle and consumer habits.
• Political Campaign Promises : Highlight the empty promises made during political campaigns and the gullibility of voters who believe them.
• Diet Fads and Health Trends: Critique the endless cycle of diet fads and the often contradictory health trends that people blindly follow.
• Standardized Testing in Schools: Exaggerate the emphasis on standardized testing and its negative effects on students and teachers.
• Climate Change Denial: Satirize the refusal to accept climate change and the ridiculous arguments made by deniers.
• Celebrity Culture and Obsession: Examine the obsession with celebrities and their personal lives, highlighting the absurdity of idolizing people simply because they are famous.
• The Tech Addiction Epidemic: Critique society’s dependence on technology and the way it dominates every aspect of our lives, from communication to entertainment.
• Reality TV Show Absurdities: Highlight the ridiculous nature of reality TV shows and how they often distort reality for entertainment purposes.
• The Job Market for College Graduates: Satirize the challenges faced by recent graduates in finding employment, focusing on the unrealistic expectations and underpaid internships.
• Corporate Greenwashing: Critique the superficial efforts of companies to appear environmentally friendly, exposing the hypocrisy behind their marketing campaigns.

Funny Satire Topics

• The Unwritten Rules of Social Media: Satirize the absurd and often contradictory etiquette of social media platforms, such as the pressure to like and comment on every post.
• The "Perfect" Instagram Life: Highlight the hilarity of people curating their lives for Instagram, focusing on the lengths they go to create a façade of perfection.
• Online Dating Profiles: Exaggerate the differences between real-life personalities and online dating profiles, poking fun at the embellishments people use to attract matches.
• The Hipster Lifestyle : Critique the ironic and often pretentious elements of hipster culture, including their obsession with vintage items and artisanal everything.
• Office Buzzwords: Satirize the overuse of corporate jargon and buzzwords in the workplace, making fun of phrases like "synergy" and "think outside the box."
• The Fitness Guru: Highlight the absurdity of extreme fitness trends and the self-proclaimed fitness gurus who promote them on social media.
• Parenting Fads: Critique the ever-changing trends in parenting advice, from helicopter parenting to free-range kids, emphasizing the humorous contradictions.
• The Vacation Photo Overload: Exaggerate the obsession with documenting every moment of a vacation on social media, making fun of the staged photos and endless selfies.
• Life Hacks Gone Wrong: Poke fun at the ridiculous and often impractical life hacks that flood the internet, highlighting their sometimes disastrous results.
• The DIY Craze: Satirize the do-it-yourself culture, focusing on the comedic failures that often result from overly ambitious DIY projects.

Satire Essay Topics on Politics

• The Endless Election Campaign : Satirize the never-ending political campaigns and their impact on society.
• Political Promises : Highlight the absurdity of politicians' promises that are rarely fulfilled.
• Social Media Politics : Critique how politicians use social media for their campaigns and the resulting effects on public discourse.
• The Watergate Scandal : Draw parallels between historical political scandals and contemporary politics.
• The Cold War : Satirize the tensions and propaganda of the Cold War era in a modern context.
• Monarchies and Democracies : Compare the absurdities of ancient monarchies with modern democratic practices.
• The Perpetual Politician: Satirize the career politicians who stay in office for decades without significant accomplishments.
• The Blame Game: Highlight the absurdity of politicians constantly blaming their predecessors for current issues.
• Government Shutdowns: Critique the frequent government shutdowns and their effects on public services and employees.
• Political Debates: Satirize the theatrical nature of political debates and the lack of substantive discussion.

Satire Essay Topics on Social Issues

• The Social Media Influencer : Satirize the rise of influencers and their impact on youth and culture.
• Tech Addiction : Highlight society's dependence on technology and its consequences.
• Privacy in the Digital Age : Critique the erosion of privacy in a world dominated by social media and surveillance.
• Celebrity Culture : Satirize the obsession with celebrities and their influence on public behavior.
• Diet Fads : Critique the endless cycle of diet trends and their impact on health.
• Reality TV : Highlight the absurdity of reality television and its effect on viewers' perceptions of reality.
• The Charity Gala: Critique the extravagance of charity events that spend more on the event than the cause.
• Online Outrage: Satirize the culture of outrage and canceling people over minor infractions on social media.
• Parenting Trends: Highlight the absurdity of constantly changing parenting fads and their supposed benefits.
• Gentrification : Critique the process of gentrification and its impact on original residents and local culture.

Satire Essay Topics on Education

• Standardized Testing : Satirize the emphasis on standardized testing and its impact on education quality.
• Homework Overload : Critique the excessive homework assigned to students and its effects on their well-being.
• School Uniforms : Highlight the absurdity of strict school uniform policies and their supposed benefits.
• The College Admissions Game : Satirize the competitive and often unfair college admissions process.
• Unpaid Internships : Critique the expectation of unpaid internships as a necessary step to career success.
• Student Debt Crisis : Highlight the absurdities of the student loan system and its impact on graduates.
• Virtual Learning: Satirize the challenges and absurdities of online education during the pandemic.
• Teacher Evaluations: Critique the often unrealistic and overly critical evaluations teachers face.
• The Grade Inflation: Highlight the absurdity of grade inflation and its impact on student motivation and learning.
• College Rankings: Satirize the obsession with college rankings and their influence on students' and parents' choices.

Satire Essay Topics on Environmental Issues

• Corporate Greenwashing : Satirize companies that falsely advertise their products as environmentally friendly.
• Plastic Ban : Critique the effectiveness of plastic bans and their real impact on the environment.
• Climate Change Denial : Highlight the absurdity of denying climate change in the face of overwhelming evidence.
• Big Oil's Green Initiatives : Satirize the contradictory nature of fossil fuel companies promoting green initiatives.
• Fast Fashion : Critique the environmental impact of the fast fashion industry and consumer habits.
• Recycling Myths : Highlight the misconceptions and inefficiencies in the recycling system.
• Eco-Friendly Celebrities : Satirize celebrities who promote environmentalism but live extravagant, wasteful lifestyles.
• Carbon Offsetting: Critique the effectiveness and sincerity of carbon offsetting programs.
• The Organic Craze: Highlight the absurdities and misconceptions surrounding the organic food movement.
• Electric Car Hype: Satirize the promotion of electric cars as the ultimate solution to environmental problems without addressing broader issues.

Writing and Refining Your Satire Essay

Drafting and Revising

Writing a satire essay requires multiple drafts to refine humor and ensure clarity. Seek feedback from peers to gauge the effectiveness of your satire. Revise your essay to improve the flow of ideas and enhance comedic elements.

Common Pitfalls to Avoid

Avoid crossing the line from satire to offense. Ensure your satire is humorous without being harmful or disrespectful. Maintain a balance between humor and insightful critique to keep your essay engaging and meaningful.

The Power of Satire

Satire is a powerful tool for social commentary, offering a unique way to highlight and critique societal issues. By using humor and irony, satire can provoke thought and inspire change.

Final Thoughts

Writing a satire essay is both challenging and rewarding. It requires creativity, critical thinking, and a keen sense of humor. By exploring a wide range of satire topics, from politics and social issues to education and environmental concerns, students can find inspiration for their essays. Don’t hesitate to experiment with different satire ideas and techniques to make your essay engaging and impactful.

Satirical topics allow writers to delve into current events and cultural trends, using humor to reflect on the absurdities of society. Whether you are a high school student looking for satire topics for high school projects or a college student seeking good satire topics for a class assignment, there is a wealth of material to explore. Funny satire topics can make your essay entertaining, while also providing a critical perspective on important issues.

We use cookies to personalyze your web-site experience. By continuing we’ll assume you board with our cookie policy .

What are your chances of acceptance?

Calculate for all schools, your chance of acceptance.

Your chancing factors

Extracurriculars.

Should You Be Funny In Your College Essay + Examples

What’s Covered:

Why are college essays important, should you be funny in your college essay, tips for adding humor to your college essays, essay examples, how to make sure your humor is effective.

College essays are an important part of your application profile. They humanize you and provide you with the opportunity to prove that you’re an interesting individual beyond your grades and test scores. 

Some ways students humanize themselves include reflecting on their values, clueing readers into their backstory, showing off their personalities, or any combination of these. 

One question that may come up with regards to showing off your personality is: can I be funny in my college essay?

Read along to hear our expert opinion on the subject and tips for writing a funny essay, the right way. You can also check out a few examples of essays that have successfully included humor to give you a good idea of what’s appropriate for your writing.

To put it simply, college essays are needed because top colleges have lots of qualified candidates and, to get accepted, you need to stand out. It is estimated that, at top schools, there are at least four academically-qualified applicants for every open spot. This means that students hoping to gain admission to top schools must supplement outstanding grades with other outstanding qualities.

Ways to make yourself stand out include extracurriculars, recommendations and interviews, and essays. At the nation’s top schools, reports tell us that these non-academic factors are weighted respectively as accounting for 30%, 10%, and 25% of your overall admissions chances. The fact that essays account for 25% of your admissions chances means that they could be your key to acceptance at your dream school.

If you are interested in the specific factors that determine how important essays are for individual candidates at individual schools, check out this post .

Essays are heavily weighted in the admissions process because they are the only place where admissions officers get to hear directly from you. An individual’s voice says a lot about them—how mature they are, how comfortable they are with their experiences, and even how likable they are. These are important factors for admissions officers who are trying to see how you would fit in on their campus!

The gist of our answer: if your personality is funny, feel free to be funny! As we’ve said, an important opportunity provided to you by the college essay is the opportunity to show your personality. Humor, if done correctly, can be an important part of that.

That said, if you are only attempting humor because you think it is what admissions officers want to hear or because you think it will help you stand out, abandon ship and find a way to shape your essay that is true to your personality. Try writing down how you view your personality or ask friends and family for adjectives that describe your personality, then show that personality through your voice. It will be more natural this way!

Some elements of personality that could define your voice, if humor isn’t for you:

• Thoughtful/reflective
• Extroverted/social
• Charismatic
• Clever/witty
• Honest/authentic
• Considerate
• Practical/rational

Additionally, if you cannot follow some basic guidelines (listed below) for how to incorporate humor into your essay, you might want to change your course.

1. Be Appropriate

First things first: be appropriate. Humor is, of course, subjective, but make sure your subject matter would be considered appropriate by absolutely anyone reading it. Think about the most traditional person you know and make sure they would be okay with it. No jokes about sex, drugs, lying, crimes, or anything inappropriate—even if the joke is “obviously” against the inappropriate thing you are mentioning.

2. Don’t Be Overly Informal

You want your essay to position you as mature and intelligent, and the way you control language is a sign of maturity and intellect. That said, lots of humor—particularly the humor of young people and internet humor—are based on informality, intentional grammatical errors, and slang. These types of humor, while arguably funny, should be excluded from college essays!

As you write, remember that you know nothing about your admissions officer. Of course, you do not know their age, race, or gender, but you also don’t know their sense of humor. The last thing you want to do is make a joke with an intentional grammatical error and be perceived as unintelligent or make a joke with slang that confuses your reader and makes them think you don’t have a firm grasp of the English language.

3. Avoid Appearing Disrespectful or Inconsiderate

Humor often involves making fun of someone or something. It is very important that you do not make fun of the wrong things! In the last example, the student made fun of themself and their failed cooking experience. That is totally acceptable.

Things that you should not make fun of:

• Other people (particularly those in positions of authority)
• Political ideas
• Religious ideas
• Anything involving ethics, morals, or values

When you make fun of others, you risk sounding cold or unsympathetic. Admissions officers want to admit candidates who are mature and understand that they can never understand the struggles of others. That means you shouldn’t make a cutting joke about your old boss or an unintelligent politician who was running for your city mayor, even if they are the villain in your anecdote.

Similarly, avoid jokes about types of people. Avoid stereotypes in your jokes. 

In general, it is hard to write a humorous essay about a controversial subject. Controversial issues are typically issues that require deep thought and conversation, so if you intend to engage with them, you should consider a more reflective approach, or consider integrating reflection with your humor.

Here is an example of a student successfully poking fun at themself with their humor, while alluding to controversy:

My teenage rebellion started at age twelve. Though not yet technically a teenager, I dedicated myself to the cause: I wore tee shirts with bands on them that made my parents cringe, shopped exclusively at stores with eyebrow-pierced employees, and met every comforting idea the world offered me with hostility. Darkness was in my soul! Happiness was a construct meant for sheep! Optimism was for fools! My cynicism was a product of a world that gave birth to the War in Afghanistan around the same time it gave birth to me, that shot and killed my peers in school, that irreversibly melted ice caps and polluted oceans and destroyed forests. 

I was angry. I fought with my parents, my peers, and strangers. It was me versus the world. 

However, there’s a fundamental flaw in perpetual antagonism: it’s exhausting. My personal relationships suffered as my cynicism turned friends and family into bad guys in my eyes. As I kept up the fight, I found myself always tired, emotionally and physically. The tipping point came one morning standing at the bathroom sink before school.

This student engages with controversial subject matter, but the humorous parts are the parts where she makes fun of herself and her beliefs— “ Darkness was in my soul! Happiness was a construct meant for sheep! Optimism was for fools!” Additionally, the student follows up their humor with reflection: “ However, there’s a fundamental flaw in perpetual antagonism: it’s exhausting. My personal relationships suffered as my cynicism turned friends and family into bad guys in my eyes.”

This student is both funny and mature, witty and reflective, and, above all, a good writer with firm control of language.

4. Don’t Force It

We have already mentioned not to force humor, but we are mentioning it again because it is very important! 

Here is an example of a student whose forced humor detracts from the point of their essay:

To say I have always remained in my comfort zone is an understatement. Did I always order chicken fingers and fries at a restaurant? Yup! Sounds like me. Did I always create a color-coded itinerary just for a day trip? Guilty as charged. Did I always carry a first-aid kit at all times? Of course! I would make even an ambulance look unprepared. And yet here I was, choosing 1,000 miles of misery from Las Vegas to Seattle despite every bone in my body telling me not to.

The sunlight blinded my eyes and a wave of nausea swept over me. Was it too late to say I forgot my calculator? It was only ten minutes in, and I was certain that the trip was going to be a disaster. I simply hoped that our pre-drive prayer was not stuck in God’s voicemail box. 

As this student attempts to characterize themself as stuck in their ways (to eventually describe how they overcame this desire for comfort), their humor feels gimmicky. They describe their preparedness in a way that comes off as inauthentic. It’s funny to imagine them carrying around a first aid kit everywhere they go, but does the reader believe it? Then, when they write “ Was it too late to say I forgot my calculator? ” they create an image of themself as that goofy, overprepared kit in a sitcom. Sitcom characters don’t feel real and the point of a college essay is to make yourself seem like a real person to admissions officers. Don’t sacrifice your essay to humor.

5. Make Sure Your Humor Is Clear

Humor is subjective, so run your essay by people—lots and lots of people—to see if they are confused, offended, or distracted. Ask people to read your essay for content and see if they mention the humor (positively or negatively), but also specifically ask people what they think about the humor. Peer feedback is always important but becomes particularly useful when attempting a humorous essay.

Essay Example #1

Prompt: Tell us an interesting or amusing story about yourself from your high school years. (350 words)

Cooking is one of those activities at which people are either extremely talented or completely inept. Personally, I’ve found that I fall right in the middle, with neither prodigal nor abhorrent talents. After all, it’s just following instructions, right? Unfortunately, one disastrous night in my kitchen has me questioning that logic.

The task was simple enough: cook a turkey stir fry. In theory, it’s an extremely simple dish. However, almost immediately, things went awry. While I was cutting onions, I absentmindedly rubbed at my eyes and smeared my mascara. (Keep this in mind; it’ll come into play later.) I then proceeded to add the raw turkey to the vegetable pot. Now, as any good chef knows, this means that either the vegetables will burn or the turkey will be raw. I am admittedly not a good chef.

After a taste test, I decided to take a page out of the Spice Girls’ book and “spice up my life”, adding some red chili paste. This was my fatal mistake. The bottle spilled everywhere. Pot, counter, floor, I mean everywhere . While trying to clean up the mess, my hands ended up covered in sauce.

Foolishly, I decided to taste my ruined meal anyway. My tongue felt like it was on fire and I sprinted to the bathroom to rinse my mouth. I looked in the mirror and, noticing the raccoon eyes formed by my mascara, grabbed a tissue. What I had neglected to realize was that chili paste had transferred to the tissue—the tissue which I was using to wipe my eyes. I don’t know if you’ve ever put chili paste anywhere near your eyes, but here’s a word of advice: don’t. Seriously, don’t .

I fumbled blindly for the sink handle, mouth still on fire, eyes burning, presumably looking like a character out of a Tim Burton film. After I rinsed my face, I sat down and stared at my bowl of still-too-spicy and probably-somewhat-raw stir fry, wondering what ancient god had decided to take their anger out on me that night, and hoping I would never incur their wrath ever again.

What the Essay Did Well

This essay is an excellent example of how to successfully execute humor. The student’s informal tone helps to bridge the gap between them and the reader, making us feel like we are sitting across the table from them and laughing along. Speaking directly to the reader in sentences like, “ Keep this in mind; it’ll come into play later, ” and “ I don’t know if you’ve ever put chili paste anywhere near your eyes, but here’s a word of advice: don’t. Seriously, don’t,”  is a great tactic to downplay the formality of the essay.

The student’s humor comes through phrases like “ Now, as any good chef knows, this means that either the vegetables will burn or the turkey will be raw. I am admittedly not a good chef.” As this student plays on the common structure of “As any good (insert profession here) knows,” then subverts expectations, they make an easy-to-understand, casual but not flippant joke.

Similarly, the sentence “ I decided to take a page out of the Spice Girls’ book ,” reads in a light-hearted, funny tone. And, importantly, even if a reader had no idea who the Spice Girls were, they would recognize this as a pop-culture joke and would not be confused or lost in any way. The phrase “ raccoon eyes”  is another humorous inclusion—even if the reader doesn’t know what it’s like to rub their eyes while wearing mascara they can picture the rings around a raccoon and imagine the spectacle.

As you can see from this essay, humor works well when you engage universal and inoffensive concepts in ways that are casual enough to be funny, but still comprehensible.

Essay Example #2

Prompt: Due to a series of clerical errors, there is exactly one typo (an extra letter, a removed letter, or an altered letter) in the name of every department at the University of Chicago. Oops! Describe your new intended major. Why are you interested in it and what courses or areas of focus within it might you want to explore? Potential options include Commuter Science, Bromance Languages and Literatures, Pundamentals: Issues and Texts, Ant History… a full list of unmodified majors ready for your editor’s eye is available here. —Inspired by Josh Kaufman, AB’18

When I shared the video of me eating fried insects in Thailand, my friends were seriously offended. Some stopped talking to me, while the rest thought I had lost my mind and recommended me the names of a few psychologists. 

A major in Gastrophysics at UChicago is not for the faint hearted. You have to have a stomach for it! I do hope I am accepted to it as it is the only University in the U.S. with this unique major. My passion for trying unique food such as fish eye has made me want to understand the complexities of how it affects our digestive system. I understand that Gastrophysics started with a big pang of food, which quickly expanded to famish. Bite years are used to measure the amount of food ingested. I look forward to asking, “How many bite years can the stomach hold?” and “How do different enzymes react with the farticles?” 

Gastrophysics truly unravels the physics of food. At UChicago I will understand the intricacies of what time to eat, how to eat and how food will be digested. Do we need to take antiparticle acid if we feel acidity is becoming a matter of concern? At what angle should the mouth be, for the best possible tasting experience? When I tried crocodile meat, I found that at a 0 degree tilt, it tasted like fish and chicken at the same time. But the same tasted more like fish at a negative angle and like chicken at a positive angle. I want to unravel these mysteries in a class by Professor Daniel Holz in gravitational gastrophysics, understanding the unseen strong and weak forces at play which attract food to our stomachs. 

I find that Gastrophysics is also important for fastronomy. I want to learn the physics of fasting. How should we fast? Hubble bubble is a good chewing gum; an appetite suppressant in case you feel pangs of hunger. I have read how the UChicago Fastronauts are stepping up to test uncharted territories. Intermittent fasting is a new method being researched, and UChicago offers the opportunity for furthering this research. Which is better: fasting for 16 hours and eating for 8, or fasting for 24 hours twice a week? It is just one of the problems that UChicago offers a chance to solve. 

I can also study the new branch it offers that uses farticle physics. It is the science of tracking farticles and how they interact with each other and chemicals in the stomach space. It could give rise to supernovae explosions, turning people into gas giants. It would also teach about the best ways to expel gas and clean the system and prevent stomach space expansion. 

I want to take Fluid dynamics 101, another important course in Gastrophysics; teaching about the importance of water and other fluids in the body, and the most important question: what happens if you try to drink superfluids? 

I hope to do interdisciplinary courses with observational gastrophysicists and work with environmental science majors to track how much methane is given by the human and animal gastrointestinal tract in the atmosphere and how much it contributes to the global climate change. I believe, with the help of courses in date science, they have been able to keep a track of how much methane is entering each day, and they found that during Dec 24-Jan 3 period, a spike in the methane and ethane levels could be seen. Accordingly, algorithms are being programmed to predict the changes all year round. I would love to use my strong mathematical background to explore these algorithms. 

These courses are specially designed by the distinguished faculty of UChicago. Doing interdisciplinary research in collaboration with biological science students to determine what aliens may eat, with fart historians to know more about the intestinal structure of medieval Italians, Japanese, Chinese, Swedish and French people to better their lives is what I look forward to. The Paris study abroad program is an immersion course into fastronomy, where I will have the opportunity to test my self-control with all the amazing French food and desserts around! 

My stomach rumbles now, so I am going out to try out new food – hopefully it will be in Chicago a few months later. 

This is a fun essay! This student’s voice is present and their goofy personality is especially evident. Not only did they change the name of their major, but this student incorporated word play throughout the essay to showcase their imagination. Phrases like “ the big pang of food ”, “ bite years ”, “ fastronauts ”, and “ farticle physics ” keep the tone lighthearted and amusing.

Incorporating this style of humor takes a lot of creativity to be able to still convey your main idea while also earning a chuckle from your readers. While some jokes are a bit more low-brow—” farticles ” or “ fart historians ” for example—they are balanced out by some that are more clever and require a bit of thinking to get the A-ha moment (referencing the Hubble telescope as “ Hubble bubble chewing gum “). You might not feel comfortable including less sophisticated jokes in your essay at all, but if you do want to go down that path, having more intellectual sources of humor is important to provide balance.

Another positive of the essay is the continued thread of humor throughout. Sometimes humor is used as a tool in the introduction and abandoned in favor of practical information about the student. This essay manages to tell us about the student and their interests without sacrificing the laugh factor. Weaving humor throughout the essay like this makes the humor feel more genuine and helps us better understand this student’s personality.  

Essay Example #3

Prompt:   Describe a topic, idea, or concept you find so engaging that it makes you lose all track of time. Why does it captivate you? What or who do you turn to when you want to learn more? (650 words)

Scalding hot water cascades over me, crashing to the ground in a familiar, soothing rhythm. Steam rises to the ceiling as dried sweat and soap suds swirl down the drain. The water hisses as it hits my skin, far above the safe temperature for a shower. The pressure is perfect on my tired muscles, easing the aches and bruises from a rough bout of sparring and the tension from a long, stressful day. The noise from my overactive mind dies away, fading into music, lyrics floating through my head. Black streaks stripe the inside of my left arm, remnants of the penned reminders of homework, money owed and forms due. 

It lacks the same dynamism and controlled intensity of sparring on the mat at taekwondo or the warm tenderness of a tight hug from my father, but it’s still a cocoon of safety as the water washes away the day’s burdens. As long as the hot water is running, the rest of the world ceases to exist, shrinking to me, myself and I. The shower curtain closes me off from the hectic world spinning around me. 

Much like the baths of Blanche DuBois, my hot showers are a means of cleansing and purifying (though I’m mostly just ridding myself of the germs from children at work sneezing on me). In the midst of a hot shower, there is no impending exam to study for, no newspaper deadline to meet, no paycheck to deposit. It is simply complete and utter peace, a safe haven. The steam clears my mind even as it clouds my mirror. 

Creativity thrives in the tub, breathing life into tales of dragons and warrior princesses that evolve only in my head, never making their way to paper but appeasing the childlike dreamer and wannabe author in me all the same. That one calculus problem that has seemed unsolvable since second period clicks into place as I realize the obvious solution. The perfect concluding sentence to my literary analysis essay writes itself (causing me to abruptly end my shower in a mad dash to the computer before I forget it entirely).  

Ever since I was old enough to start taking showers unaided, I began hogging all the hot water in the house, a source of great frustration to my parents. Many of my early showers were rudely cut short by an unholy banging on the bathroom door and an order to “stop wasting water and come eat dinner before it gets cold.” After a decade of trudging up the stairs every evening to put an end to my water-wasting, my parents finally gave in, leaving me to my (expensive) showers. I imagine someday, when paying the water bill is in my hands, my showers will be shorter, but today is not that day (nor, hopefully, will the next four years be that day). 

Showers are better than any ibuprofen, the perfect panacea for life’s daily ailments. Headaches magically disappear as long as the water runs, though they typically return in full force afterward. The runny nose and itchy eyes courtesy of summertime allergies recede. Showers alleviate even the stomachache from a guacamole-induced lack of self-control. 

Honestly though, the best part about a hot shower is neither its medicinal abilities nor its blissful temporary isolation or even the heavenly warmth seeped deep into my bones. The best part is that these little moments of pure, uninhibited contentedness are a daily occurrence. No matter how stressful the day, showers ensure I always have something to look forward to. They are small moments, true, but important nonetheless, because it is the little things in life that matter; the big moments are too rare, too fleeting to make anyone truly happy. Wherever I am in the world, whatever fate chooses to throw at me, I know I can always find my peace at the end of the day behind the shower curtain.

While the humor in this essay isn’t as direct as the others, the subtle inclusion of little phrases in parentheses throughout the essay bring some comedy without feeling overbearing. 

The contrast of elegant and posh Blanche DuBois and “ germs from children at work sneezing on me ” paints an ironic picture that you can’t help but laugh at. The ability to describe universal experiences also brings a level of humor to the essay. For example, the reader might laugh at the line, “ abruptly end my shower in a mad dash to the computer before I forget it entirely,”  because it brings to mind moments when they have done the same.

This student also achieves a humorous tone by poking fun at themselves. Admitting that they were “ hogging all the hot water, ” leading to “ (expensive) showers, ” as well as describing their stomachache as a “ guacamole-induced lack of self-control, ” keeps the tone casual and easy-going. Everybody has their flaws, and in this case long showers and guacamole are the downfall of this student.

While the tips and tricks we’ve given you will be extremely helpful when writing, it’s often not that simple. Feedback is ultimately any writer’s best source of improvement—especially when it comes to an element like humor which, naturally, can be hit-or-miss! 

To get your college essay edited for free, use our Peer Review Essay Tool . With this tool, other students can tell you if your humor is effective/appropriate and help you improve your essay so that you can have the best chances of admission to your dream schools.

If you want a college admissions expert to review your essay, advisors on CollegeVine have helped students refine their writing and submit successful applications to top schools. Find the right advisor for you to improve your chances of getting into your dream school!

Related CollegeVine Blog Posts

• Clean Comedian
• Press-Feedback-Praise
• Testimonials
• Electronic Press Kit
• Jewish Comedy
• Shaun’s Comedy Talents
• Banking / Financial / Wall Street / Insurance / Investment Comedy
• Comedy for Wineries and Breweries
• Shows for Senior Citizen Groups
• Business School… in About an Hour
• Corporate Comedy
• Expired Comedy (topical humor)
• Mustache Life sketch
• Obamas on Vacation sketch
• Recurring Character sketch
• Trump King Day Speech sketch
• Comedic Essays
• Blog (shorter comedic essays)
• “A Tale of Two Kiddies” (short children’s story)
• Are Female Comedians Finally in Demand? (Newark Star-Ledger op-ed)
• From Justice to Laughter (NJ Lawyer Magazine article on attorneys who became comics)
• From Justice to Laughter narrated for the vision-impaired (mp3 file)
• Women Are Funny (originally published on Yahoo Shine)
• Unseen “Seinfeld” script “Health and Rackets”
• Unseen “Seinfeld” script “Private Lines”
• A Short Tribute to George Carlin
• South African Comedy
• What’s More Jewish Than Comedy? (Reform Judaism magazine)
• Earthquake Flow Chart
• How to Tell a Joke
• How to Hire a Comedian

Comedic Essays: Funny writing from Clean Comic Shaun Eli

103 hilarious and serious essays. some of these are funny, and some are serious. if you can’t tell the difference then i’m not doing my job., to the editor of money magazine.

I was dismayed to discover that your list of the fifty best jobs didn’t include any in entertainment (and only one that was on the creative side– creative director). I’m a stand-up comedian and I wouldn’t trade my job for any other (not even for my high school job– working at an ice cream parlor with unlimited on-the-job eating). While there are aspects of my profession that an audience doesn’t see (marketing– working to get booked, for example) there’s nothing like getting paid to brighten people’s days.

Sure, not everybody can do my job (it takes talent as a writer and performer, plus years of practice) but neither can anybody just get into medical school, pass the bar exam or become an engineer.

Making a list of the best jobs but leaving out the creative ones is like having a list of the best places to live but excluding all the coastal states. But then I notice that “Magazine Editor” didn’t make the list either– maybe you’re just not that happy. Not a problem… I know just what you need… come to a show!

——————————————————————————–

posted on 2/8/08

For every person about whom you think “He’s awful, why is he getting opportunities that I’m not getting?” there’s someone else saying the same thing about you.

Comics, if you’re gonna eat it* on stage, try not to do it when the waitresses are in the room.

This is especially true for the waitress you have a crush on.

This is possibly even more importantly true if one of the waitresses is dating the booker.

Try not to have a crush on the waitress dating the booker.

If you can’t help it, try even harder not to mention the crush to anyone.

Don’t assume that the writer of this piece has a crush on a waitress, or that any particular booker is dating someone working at the club.

Don’t even assume that comedy clubs HAVE waitresses.

* comedy slang for having a terrible show

How to Audition

posted on 1/30/08

People have been asking me about auditioning for Last Comic Standing, so here’s what I know.

I was the first NY comic to audition for Last Comic Standing II. And I was way not ready– very new in stand-up. While waiting to go on stage I thought of an addition to strengthen my opening joke, an addition I still use. And I promptly forgot about it when I nervously stepped on stage. The judges Bob Read and Ross Mark, who book The Tonight Show, were very nice to me; I didn’t realize how nice until I watched the show and saw how they treated some other auditioners. I made them laugh a few times which isn’t as easy as it sounds at 10 AM (7 AM on the L.A. time they were living on) in front of people who watch comics for a living. And as I sat next to them at the call-backs I saw them sit through many comics without laughing much at all.

They asked me if I were nervous because I was performing for only two people. I said “No, I’ve performed for audiences half this size” which got a laugh. Two, actually.

One thing I noticed at the LCS II call-back show is how tight most of the sets were. That is, instead of getting a story started, then set-up, set-up, punchline, the comics who did well had almost every single sentence get a laugh. A punchline would also set-up the next sentence and it would flow from there. So a three minute set would have well more than fifteen laugh lines. It was a great show to watch as well as educational and inspiring. And quite humbling for a new comic.

AND– they weren’t just looking for comics– they were casting a reality show– so the comics not only had to be funny, they had to reveal who they were. And that’s not easy to do in three minutes and still fit in fifteen to twenty punchlines.

First of all, realize that a comic may get only two or three sentences– if the first set-up is too long, or the first joke doesn’t hit– you may not get a chance to continue. So put the shortest, strongest jokes up front.

Secondly, have to have at least something that not only says “Laugh at this, it’s funny” and “I know what I’m doing and I’m ready for prime-time TV” but also says This is who you are and what you’re like and why you should be allowed to continue.

Thirdly, one does not want to end up on the blooper reel– where they show comics looking ridiculous. (well, some people want to be on TV so badly they don’t care, or they don’t realize they’re being made fun of– and if on a network TV show they show you for eight seconds and had to bleep you six times, or they followed your attempt at a joke with a shot of the judges’ blank stares, yes, they’re making fun of you).

So to avoid ending up on the blooper reel I have gone through my jokes one sentence at a time to eliminate anything that might not sound good out of context. Specifically one joke has a punchline that works well with the set-up but the punchline alone sounds creepy. Cross out that joke.

Then it’s Avoid any joke that is on a common theme. For example, I may have the greatest “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” joke (I don’t; but I do have a decent, original one that fits my persona) but I’m sure that as the two hundredth auditioner they will have heard jokes that start with “What happens in Vegas…” ten times already, and number eleven isn’t going to thrill them. Same with references to penises, breasts, TV commercials, the TV shows that the NY auditioners are/were on (“Law & Order” and “The Sopranos”), X is different from Y (NY/California, men/women, black people/white people, etc.), contrasting ethnic backgrounds especially if they rely on offensive ethnic stereotypes (I’m half black and half Jewish so I’m really good at raising my own bail money, kind of jokes, and yes, I realize that half of that comment is more offensive than the other half but that’s what first came to mind as I type this– I’m not that good at writing offensive jokes)…

Then I cut out any sentence that’s unnecessary. A bunch of blogs ago I questioned whether it’s better to have a three sentence joke that gets 80% laughter or a two sentence version that gets 60% laughter. And while I still don’t have the answer for audiences, for auditioning I go with two sentences and 60%.

Then I get on stage as much as I possibly can in the next week and a half to practice my two minute audition set plus my four minute call-back set.

Then I show up at the audition and I hope that I have the set of my life. Twice in a row.

Knock ’em dead, everybody that’s trying. I want all of us to rock. Good stand-up raises it up for everybody. And good stand-up on TV gets more people to come see our shows. And I want NY comics to dominate as we should– after all, NYC is the center of stand-up comedy.

A Few Good Men & a Few Others

posted on 1/5/08

My mother sent me the link to a study reporting that drinking low-fat or non-fat milk may lead to cancer.

Thanks, mom. I read the same newspapers you do, and then some. You know what causes cancer? Not dying of something else first. Sure, some things are known carcinogens: Smoking. Having a job wrapping asbestos around pipes. Frequent sex with (insert someone’s name here).

So. An early study claims ~ … Unless the study reported something like “We fed low-fat milk to forty subjects, and thirty seven of them burst into flames” I’ll think I’ll wait until the outcome is replicated in further studies.

I didn’t get a chance to read the study or to submit it to my panel of experts. But perhaps it’s what they were drinking milk instead of that’s the problem. Maybe they were drinking low-fat milk in place of wine. Or beer. Or Erbitux. And maybe, just maybe, the people who drink regular milk are mixing it with their Kahlua or Baileys and that, too, knocks down some cancer.

To whichever idioticalite at the Clinton campaign who thought it was a good idea to load six buses full of supporters on a narrow sidewalk right outside of Grand Central Terminal at 5 PM on a Friday: Get a clue. The sidewalk is only two people wide there– don’t pick a street leading to one of the busiest train stations in the country. Three blocks up or one block over would’ve worked much better. Or at least you could’ve had them line up single-file.

Hillary, you ought to know better. You claim to be a New Yorker– you’ve ‘lived’ here over a decade. And you’re FROM Chicago. I expect this behavior from someone who grew up in one of the forty six states without people. But you? I know, you don’t spend a lot of time walking by yourself around Manhattan. You’re driven by Secret Service agents and followed by your posse, or whatever non-rappers call hangers-on.

If you plan to run the country like you are running this part of your campaign then I’m voting for someone else. It’s the little things that piss people off.

I get it. It’s not your fault. You don’t dictate the logistics of loading buses to New Hampshire. You leave that to lower-ranked people twelve levels down from you.

Oh, you say, why would how some idiotical lower-level person in a campaign affect how she’d run the country as president? That lower-level person isn’t going to become Secretary of State or be appointed to the Supreme Court.

Well, baby Einstein, maybe not. But that lower-level person is going to be offered a job as a mid-level bureaucrat in the Clinton (Mrs.) Administration. And while you think that it’s the Supreme Court and the Cabinet that matter, think of where the decisions are made. There are over six hundred federal District Court judges who each try one case at a time. There are fewer Appeals Court judges and they seem to work in threes. And the nine justices of the Supreme Court? They hear cases together– it’s ONE court. So as a group which do you think has more power?

That lower-level person is going to clog something in the system. Something way more important than the sidewalk at rush-hour on a Friday.

A long time ago I volunteered to work on a presidential campaign. The weekend before Election Day they sent me to hand out campaign literature. My instructions? “Your corner is 86th and Lex. Get to work.”

Yes, baby E, you’d think that someone with a college degree doesn’t need to be told how to hand out flyers. You’d be wrong. Why? Because another guy was given the same intersection and he stood across the street from me at the top of a subway entrance. And what he did was to shove a flyer into people’s faces and say “Snarf Garftarf* for President.” After a few minutes I, the novice campaigner, took him aside and said “Look. This is New York. You shove a flyer in people’s faces, all you’re doing is annoying them. You want them to read this propaganda, not crumple it up and throw it at me when they get across the street. Here’s what you do. Engage them. Ask politely if they’re voting on Tuesday. And then ask for whom. If they say Snarf Garftarf, thank them, tell them they’ve made an excellent choice. If they say the other guy, ask them to read the flyer, maybe you’ll change their mind. If they say they haven’t made up their mind, THESE ARE YOUR PEOPLE. And if they say they’re not voting, ask why, and maybe you can convince them that they CAN make a difference.”

Although, it turns out, the most frequent reason people told me they weren’t going to vote? That they’re illegal. Not “Sorry, I’m not a citizen” or “I’m just visiting your country” or “I have a Green Card.” “I’m illegal.” Not only common at 86th & Lex, but readily admitted. I had no idea. Immigration should volunteer for a presidential campaign, they could probably knock the twelve million illegal immigrants down by a few million. Just here in NYC.

And it turns out, when you shove a piece of paper in people’s faces, nobody takes them. Ask them a polite question, they may stick around. We were the first group to run out of flyers. Which means that all the other teams were as ignorant as my co-hort across the street…

Which may explain why the Garftarf Administration didn’t accomplish much in all its years in office.

And now, with the jokes, comes the whining.

Today, for about the eightieth time this year, someone told me what to do.

Now, if the “You should” is followed by “get off my foot” or “not vote for Ron Paul” that’s good advice.

But if your “You should” is followed by your telling me how to manage my career, and you’re not an entertainment lawyer, or an intellectual property lawyer, or a manager of comedians, or an agent, or writer, or comedian, or club owner, or club manager, or comedy club waitress (comedians who are smart or at least paying attention learn that comedy club waitresses see a LOT of comedians and a LOT of audiences and overhear managers and owners, and know quite a bit about making or screwing up a career), or television executive, or comedy writer, or my mother, then please just shut up.

My mother has the right to tell me what to do. She’s earned it. It doesn’t mean I have to listen to her. But she can say whatever she wants.

Even if it’s “Get on ‘The Tonight Show’ and stop drinking so much low-fat milk, it’s no good for you.” (Nice call-back, huh?)

Because probably, just probably, though for some reason you THINK you know something about the entertainment business, well, you don’t.

That’s why you’re my dentist, not host of “The Tonight Show.”

Saying “You need a good agent” or “You should get on that TV show, what’s it called, ‘Last Comedy Standup'” or “Why don’t you call ‘The Tonight Show’ or HBO and ask if they’ll put you on TV” or “You should create a funny sit-com” clearly demonstrates that you DON’T know how this business works.

I don’t know what compels people to think they know how to write a TV show just because they spend seven hours a day on the couch (or DESPITE the fact that they spend seven hours a day on the couch), or that they know how comedians get ‘discovered’ (hint: we don’t GET discovered. We WORK, and WORK MORE, work HARD, and ACHIEVE success– we don’t just show up once in a while and hope someone ‘finds’ us–- just like any other career- have you ever heard of an oncologist getting ‘discovered?’) but really, doctor, I don’t say things like “You know what you should do? You should figure out what cures cancer and patent it and sell it.” (hint– you want to know what cures cancer? Anti-low-fat milk pills– invent some of those)

Okay, first of all, EVERY comic wants to be on “The Tonight Show”– even Jay Leno is trying to figure out a way to stay on the show past when his contract expires. You don’t just call up Bob and Ross (they’re the guys who book the comics for the show– and if you didn’t know this then maybe, just maybe, you’re not in a position to give career advice to a comedian) and say “Hey guys, I’m ready, what nights are free?” After at least ten years, IF you’re a comedy GENIUS (in the category of comedy genius to get on the show after ONLY around ten years of hard, hard work-– Ellen DeGeneres, Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Wright; sorry, probably not me but ask me when I’m ten years in) MAYBE, just MAYBE, you get a SHOT AT IT.

And you don’t just write a sit-com. Nobody in TV takes a sit-com idea from a new guy. What you do is, you write a spec script for a TV show (that means a script for an existing show, on speculation, because nobody’s paying you for it and nobody will ever buy it). Then you get someone (agent, manager, hot chick that producer wants to bang, blackmailer that has video of said producer and hot chick caught in the act, and the ‘hot chick’ is really a man) to show it to someone at A DIFFERENT show. He says “Gee, it doesn’t totally suck.” It proves maybe, just maybe, you can write for someone else’s characters. Eventually you get a job writing for a show. You write. You get stuff on the air. You prove you can continue to produce under pressure. To write under deadline. To Not Suck.

Then, maybe then, someone will look at your new sit-com idea.

And if it beats the one-in-a-thousand odds, it gets picked up.

Yeah, roughly a thousand-to-one. That’s why the word ‘maybe’ appears fourteen times in this essay.

Or, if you’re really, really talented, and really lucky, you go the Aaron Sorkin route. You work your ass off writing during the day while tending bar at a Broadway theatre at night. Your third produced play gets to Broadway. It’s a hit. You write the screenplay. THAT’S a hit too (“A Few Good Men” as if you didn’t know).

Oh, it might help if mommy or daddy’s a top entertainment lawyer or otherwise already in the entertainment business.

Not a dentist.

But please, unless you ARE Aaron Sorkin, or Jerry Seinfeld, or Jay Leno, or one of their agents, attorneys or managers, how about you finish looking at my teeth or whatever you’re supposed to be doing, and let me manage my own career. It’s going rather well, I must say.

It must be since I flew to the dentist in a new glass cockpit Cirrus SR22 Turbo GTS.

My dentist drives a Saab.

And if you ARE Aaron Sorkin, I’m not going to ask you to read my screenplay (that would be crass) but if you don’t buy me the beer you’ve owed me since 1988 then I’m going to remind you that I stole three bases in one game against your team when we were kids.

* His name wasn’t Snarf Garftarf, but wouldn’t that be a cool name for a president? I’m keeping his name secret (but a family member of his is mentioned in this article and I’m pretty sure nobody named Erbitux is running for president this year)

—————————————————————–

How NOT to get booked

posted on 1/1/08

As I look back on last year, and having finally managed to clean off my desk, I wanted to let people who feel not-as-good-about-themselves-as-they-ought-to, to have a reason to think that they’re doing most things right. Because a lot of your competition isn’t.

I produce a comedy show- Ivy Standup sm – it’s not “The Tonight Show” but it’s a pro show at one of NYC’s A clubs as well as a few select places outside NYC.

I get frequent requests from comics to appear in the show.

And for the most part they make my decision pretty easy.

If you’ve ever written a book and looked for a literary agent you know that their slush pile is so big that they’re simply looking for a reason to say no. Spelling errors, wrong genre, not following their submission guidelines… all make it easier for them to toss you aside and get closer to the bottom of the pile with no guilt.

All of us comics want to think you have to be smart to be a comedian. We want to think that. And while I’m sure that some very good comedians are bad spellers it’s certainly not what we want to see. Especially if the show you’re asking to be in is the Ivy League show.

And especially since if you’re emailing us– you have a computer that has a built-in spell-check. USE IT!

I’m not sure how well the grammar-check feature works since I stopped using it a long time ago but if you’re not sure of the difference between to, too and two, you might try it. Or ask someone to proof-read for you.

Secondly, if you send me a video (or a link to a video on the web) please, Please, PLEASE make sure I can watch it without throwing up. I got one video that was so hard to watch… well, let me give you some background. I’m a licensed pilot. Instrument-rated. I’ve trained for a commercial pilot’s license. I’ve done aerobatics. Steep turns. Side slips. Power-on stalls. Spins. Flown upside-down until the instructor said “Enough. Right the plane.”

All this to say I don’t easily get motion-sick.

The best way to describe this one video? It had to have been shot by an epileptic, having a seizure, while drunk, in a tornado, during an earthquake, while sitting on top of a bowl of jell-o.

While being beaten with a Louisville Slugger.

And tickled at the same time.

Seriously, I couldn’t watch it because I was getting motion-sick.

I got another video that started with a wide shot of the stage before zooming in, so I knew it was a big room. I couldn’t see how many people were in the room, and by the sound I figured there weren’t many people there. The comic didn’t get many laughs, and barely any applause. Which is okay– I was considering hiring the comic, not the audience.

But the tape he sent me wasn’t just of him. He included the end of the performer before him, and a bit of the intro of the person following him.

And they got great applause. Which he didn’t. It’s one thing to send in a tape with a quiet audience. It’s another thing to send in a tape that shows that the audience just wasn’t that into you.

If you don’t have a quality video to send, one that is a good representation of how good you are, and is watchable, just wait to send something.

It’s much better than sending something that just sucks.

SUCKS gets remembered. Your career can wait. And my show just isn’t that important. It’s not going to make your career. And if it could? Would you send a crappy tape to “The Tonight Show?”

Yes, we too know how hard it is to get a quality tape. Shows with good sound recording are few and far between– if the audience isn’t miked then it could sound like nobody’s laughing. So you have to work hard to get into a show with good recording.

Pay your friends to fill the club, beg, promise to wash someone’s car. Whatever it takes to get on a show that will get you a good tape.

One in a club, not shot in your basement.

If your mother yells that dinner’s ready, we know it’s not in a club, and that you still live with your mother.

And if a waitress drops a tray of drinks during your set, or a drunk interrupts, or the emcee makes fun of you in his introduction, or the mike cuts out, or you screw up a couple of jokes, or something else goes wrong so that the tape isn’t great?

Pay other friends, wash a herd of cattle, hire a videographer yourself, whatever it takes.

Just don’t send a tape that makes you look like an idiot.

And if you have a good tape and the booker still says no? Don’t write back to say “I’m funnier than you are.” Even if you’re sure you are.

Because I’m not giving up my spot in the show. It’s MY SHOW. Funnier than I am? That’s a given. Otherwise I’ll simply give myself a longer set. I LIKE being on stage. I can fill the time; I have plenty of material.

The question is: Are you funnier than other people in the show? Because if not, why would I bump them for you?

I already know they’re reliable, they’re funny, I’ve worked with them before. They show up. They don’t question my judgment. They can probably spell.

And to be clear, even for those who’ve sent me awful tapes I’ve tried to be constructive and positive, despite it going against my nature (I’m a native New Yorker). So when I write back to say “Thanks for submitting. I can’t use you right now– but feel free to write back in another year– and to be clear, I HAVE put people in the show long after their first query” please don’t argue.

Because while I do give try to give people another shot, I don’t give arguers another shot. Nobody wants to work with a pain-in-the-drain.

A story– a long time ago I tried out for a sports team. It was the U.S. National Dragon Boat team. Yeah, not exactly the highest sport in the U.S. but it was a team representing our country in the World Championship. And in China, where the sport originated, it IS a big sport. It’s like football to them. In fact it is the second most popular sport in the world, China being a fifth of the world’s population. It’s also the oldest continually raced sport around, at almost 2500 years old.

I was living in NY. The practices were in Philadelphia. Five days a week. I came to the team late, and everybody else trying out had dragon-boated before– almost all were on the team the year before, and were active, competitive kayakers or canoeists. I was a rower, quite good but rowing is a different range of motion from dragon-boating.

One day the coach took me aside. Told me he didn’t think I was going to make the team. That he wouldn’t ordinarily say anything, but as I was commuting 2+ hours a day, each way, just the commute alone almost a full-time job, he felt it his obligation to let me know. But that I was welcome to try again the next year, and to stop by if I were in Philadelphia again.

The next night I showed up at practice. He asked why. I said “Pete, I appreciate what you told me last night. It was the right thing to do. And with that knowledge you know that I can’t complain if I don’t make the team. But it’s still my choice to keep trying, and that’s what I’m gonna do, until the selection process is finished and you’ve chosen the team.”

And he understood.

And when it came time to select the team, and he had us race against each other, I won every race, and made the team.

I didn’t just win my races, I trounced people.

I’m sure that if I’d said anything the night he suggested I go home and not come back, other than “Thanks for talking to me,” I probably wouldn’t have gotten the chance to even race for my spot. But I appreciated what he told me, and I didn’t argue.

We made the finals in Hong Kong, beating every other Western boat. Even though we sank in the heats and semi-finals and some of us caught stomach bugs because Hong Kong Harbor is filthy.

To be clear, do not ever swim in Hong Kong Harbor.

If your plane crashes in Hong Kong Harbor and you manage to escape from the wreckage, you might not be one of the lucky ones.

Just saying.

The point is, don’t argue. Just get so good that you’re chosen for the team. TROUNCE everyone else and nobody can question whether you belong there.

Dan Naturman has been in several of my shows. He’s really, really funny, and he’s good to work with. People still ask me if he’ll be in the next show. If he weren’t a nice guy I’d still put him in the show, because he’s a great comic and my job is to put on the best show I can. Within reason. But most others? If they were jerks I’d never have them back. I’d find someone else for their spots.

Dan’s good enough to be a prick and still get booked.

You’re probably not.

To be clear– I like Dan on and off the stage. Don’t misquote me. And he regularly trounces. That’s his job. We all try. He succeeds.

But for you to get booked– have a good tape. AND be nice. And if you’re trying out for a clean, smart show, try to have a tape that’s at least somewhat clean. Not one full of Monica Lewinsky jokes. That’s not only not what I’m looking for, it’s a decade out of date. If I tell you I want “Smart and clean– what’s right for people entertaining clients” and your set opens with “Where my pot smokers at?” I will probably continue watching, but I may not watch the full ten minutes.

I’d rather spend the next nine minutes trying to catch up to Dan.

If you want us to bring Ivy Standup sm to your city, here’s a good way to do it– ASK.

Overheard Today in the Post Office

Posted on 12/24/2007

Clerk:  I hope Santa’s bringing you something nice this year. Adult Patron:  Santa won’t be visiting my house any time soon. Clerk:  Why not?  Are you Jewish or Moslem? Adult Patron:  No, I’m an asshole.

“Go To The Mirror, Boy!”

Posted on 11/29/2007

Greetings from Lost Angeles, land of 3 AM traffic jams, metered on-ramps and billboards advertising breast augmentation operations ($2999, if you’re interested; I assume that means for both).  Yes, I know, doctors prefer to call it a “procedure” but technically speaking I think the correct word is “installation.”

Just like when you’re hanging art on the wall.

It took over an hour on the freeway before I spotted a woman driving an SUV who was NOT speaking on a cell phone.  Then I saw her bumper-sticker: “Support Deaf Education.”  I guess that explains it.  Here they don’t just number the highways, they’re very specific that THEIR highways in California are the ONLY highways.  In NYC I often drive on 87.  Here it’s THE 405.

Unless you’re Russian, in which case it’s just 405.

Or you’re Paris Hilton, in which case it’s “Oh, like, I’m not really good in math but I want to go over there.”

Had an uneventful flight, courtesy of just enough frequent flier miles to sit in Business Class.  Where I get a reminder of just how snobby I might be about some things.  Right after take-off they offered drinks (at noon, otherwise known as 9 AM California time), including Champagne.  I love Champagne, and asked what brand it was.  The flight attendant said she’d check but in the meantime she handed me a glass.

It tasted like a penny dissolved in kerosene.  There are a lot of great American wines but nobody’s caught up to the French when it comes to sparkling wine. Say what you want about their lack of military prowess, but they know how to make beverages.  And when you come right down to it, which is more important, anyway?  Yeah, English-speaking countries did bail them out of two world wars, but if it weren’t for the French 230 years ago we’d still be calling soccer “football” and naming our children Nigel.  And doesn’t the world already have enough Nigels?

This time I remembered to bring some CDs to listen to in the car so I’m not limited to news radio or that nutty Dr. Laura.  Whose doctorate, by the way, is not in psychology.  I’m pretty sure it’s in animal husbandry.  My rental Corolla is a cute white car but the sound system doesn’t do justice to the opera I brought.  The Who’s “Tommy” in case you didn’t catch the “Go To The Mirror, Boy!” reference as the title of this blog.  Anyway I think it’s very Californian of me to notice how the car stereo sounds before I say anything about the weather.

My headlining gig was cancelled (nothing to do with me) but the producer said he’d try to find me something else since he heard good things about me. I wonder whom he asked since I never provided him with any references.  Somebody’s due a bottle of Champagne (the French kind, not what American serves in Business Class) but I don’t know who.  Anyway I have a bunch of other performances scheduled and the weather’s nice here despite the ongoing fear of returning wildfires.  Wind gusts of 18 miles per hour are major news here but maybe it’s nothing to do with fires, just warnings about bad hair days.

Monsters at my Door, a tale of 10/31

If you’re too young to stand up or old enough to drive to the store on your own to buy candy, I don’t mind that you’re with your family at my door.  I even encourage it.  But you shouldn’t be trick-or-treating.  If you’re carrying a 1 year old I know that it’s not your child eating the candy.  If you tell me that I’m wrong then I’m calling the Administration for Children’s Services.

If someone comes to your door looking scary I suggest you make sure they’re in costume.  Otherwise you risk offending a very scary-looking person.

And her husband?  Even scarier.

A kid came to my door tonight in full Home Depot gear.  And by that I don’t mean dressed as a sales associate.  Clearly he was a NASCAR driver.  I understand why NASCAR vehicles have advertising on them.  But your children?  Fine with me. I’m a Home Depot stockholder.  They’re not my kids.  Thank your sponsor for the tiny dividends.

A few years ago I came back from France just before Halloween.  I bought a lot of my favorite chocolate when I was there (Lindt Madagascar– milk chocolate with bits of cocoa beans, like a very, very good Nestles Crunch bar).  That wasn’t what I was giving out, not at $2 a bar for a product unavailable in the U.S.

At 9:45 PM on Halloween I was about to turn off my outside light– the universal signal for “It’s late, go home, you’re too old to be trick-or-treating anyway”– just as the doorbell rang.  I had about ten bars of Halloween candy left, so I figured I’d get rid of most of it and be done with Halloween for this year.

I opened the door and there were 30 kids outside.

The smart thing to do would’ve been to say “Sorry, I have only ten bars left, send the littlest kids forward…” but I didn’t think of it.  And the Lindt was on my dining room table right near the front door.  So 20 kids got really, really good candy.

The next year five thousand eight hundred kids came to my door.

From every country but France and Madagascar.

They all got Nestles Crunch bars.

I remember being annoyed at people who weren’t home on Halloween.  One day a year is all anybody asked.  We didn’t care if they were away on Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, the Fourth of July or my birthday.  Just when we rang the bell on 10/31.

So I vowed to be home every Halloween.

Even if Home Depot and Grandparents are asking for candy.  Even if a one year old gets taken away by ACS.

Nowadays kids seem to have Halloween all figured out.  When I was a kid you got together with a few friends and went door-to-door.  These days kids are much more efficient.  They come to the door and the first kid to get candy rushes to the next house.  So that by the time you’re finished giving out candy most of the kids are gone.

Eliminating the biggest impediment to gathering as much candy as possible– waiting for the people to answer the door.  Now when the kid gets to the door it’s already open.

Saving the kids time.  And yielding more candy for each kid over the course of a limited evening.  While the homeowner pretty much can’t leave the doorway because so many kids are coming.

I blame the Bush administration.

Their “The First MBA President” idea, combined with trickle-down operations management, means more kids at my door each year.

Kid, if you can’t interrupt your cell phone conversation to say “Trick or treat” then you’re WAY too important to be going door-to-door for candy.

By the way, it’s really hard to prepare a whole chicken when the doorbell keeps ringing and I’m by myself.  I think my parents are right– it’s time I got married.

To someone who likes answering the door.  Or washing my hands.

Or at least visits France frequently and brings home good chocolate just for me.

And if that doesn’t happen… if your 14 year old daughter comes to my door dressed as Marilyn Monroe, please send her back when she’s 18.  If I’m still single: she can have the Lindt.

As long as she’s not carrying a 1 year old.

From The Joey Reynolds Show

Due to the good graces of way too many people to name I appear from time to time on the nationally-syndicated Joey Reynolds radio show.

Two months ago it was Joey’s birthday and many of his friends stopped in during the show, which is live starting at midnight (it goes national at 1 AM).

During a commercial break The Amazing Kreskin walked into the studio. Think that guys like Kreskin travel with an entourage? Not when they’re 70.

People there knew him and someone asked how he got home from a recent gig. His response? Something like “It was awful, I got lost in Jersey and it took me hours to get home.”

Not so amazing, huh Kreskin? You claim to find lost objects and people but you can’t seem to find your own house?

Then later, in what passes for the green room at a radio station, Kreskin put down his bag, walked past the food, then said “Where’s my bag? I just put it down three minutes ago…”

The Amazing Kreskin, the great mentalist, mind-reader extraordinaire… couldn’t even read his OWN mind. But he did look around and find his bag. I’d found the roast beef and rye bread, which to me was a far more important feat. His biography hypes his power to find hidden objects. I guess his bag wasn’t hidden– it was in plain sight so maybe that didn’t count.

But Kreskin was a very nice guy.

Or did he simply plant that idea in my mind? I guess we’ll never know.

 If Only Senator Bathroom BJ Had Read THE CONSTITUTION

Because Article 1, Section 6 clearly states:

“The Senators and Representatives shall receive a Compensation for their Services, to be ascertained by Law, and paid out of the Treasury of the United States. They shall in all Cases, except Treason, Felony and Breach of the Peace, be privileged from Arrest during their Attendance at the Session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same; and for any Speech or Debate in either House, they shall not be questioned in any other Place.”

The senator claims he was on the way to Washington, DC when he was detained by the police.  Except that if he knew his rights he could have pointed out that they weren’t allowed to detain him.

One of the few senators who is not a lawyer, Senator Craig none-the-less claims to be a defender of the Second Amendment right to bear arms… but apparently he couldn’t be bothered reading all those words that appear in the Constitution prior to the Second Amendment.

To quote Nelson Muntz of The Simpsons… Ha HA!

The Answers to Your Questions

I’ve gotten a lot of mail lately and don’t have time to answer it all individually.  Here are the answers– if you asked then you know what the question was.

Yes, even if your wife watches it still counts as gay.

Of course she says they’re real– she’d look like an idiot if she told you she paid for them and they’re still uneven.

Of course not.  If I were trying to kill him, he’d be dead.

Of course not.  If I were trying to kill her, she’d be dead.

I won’t tell anyone.  Why would I admit I know you?

No I won’t give you her phone number.  Didn’t you just spend ten minutes telling me how crazy she was?

I don’t have a sister. No, it must’ve been someone else you saw in an orange dress on Broadway last night. I look horrible in orange.

No, I don’t think I need to thank President Bush for all the material he’s given me.  It’s been more than offset by record budget deficits, increased pollution, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

No, I don’t think I need to thank the Clintons for all the material they’ve given me.  It’s been more than offset by the repeal of the equal time rule, a huge decline in respect for the office of the president, the time I’ve spent stuck in traffic at Westchester County Airport when the Clintons flew in and out, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

Proud to be an American?

Posted July 4, 2007

Someone recently asked if I were proud to be an American.

I don’t think that pride is the right word.   I am glad to be an American– there aren’t too many other countries that afford anywhere near the freedom and opportunity available here.

But Pride?   What have I done that has created those freedoms and opportunities?  I didn’t help draft the Constitution.   I didn’t create the Industrial Revolution.   I didn’t even help win World War II*.   America’s Greatest Generation?   Nope, I grew up in the Me Decade. Or was it the Al Franken Decade?   I forget; it was so long ago.

What HAVE I done?  Let’s see- I vote, I pay all my taxes without complaining, I don’t litter or steal or kick puppies and it’s been a long time since I killed someone.  Even though a lot of people have deserved it lately.  I’ve also been part of the capitalist system, making funds flow more efficiently so we can have factories and power plants and buildings and stores that sell really nice-smelling soap.  And money for your retirement– you might have more of that too, partially because of what I’ve done.

Occasionally I also make someone laugh.  Now if you’ll excuse me there’s someone I have to go kill.  He cheated on his taxes and kicked a puppy.

I’m so glad to live here.

*My father did and I am proud of him.

Dirty Words on TV

“All the President’s Men” was on channel 31 tonight.  In the space of less than five minutes Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee used two different four-letter curse words.

After the initial surprise of hearing the F word and the S word on over-the-air television, my next thought was:

A movie as important as “All the President’s Men” should never be censored.

As they say, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished, even on-line

A recent on-line dating exchange:

Her (initial contact): Funny and Jewish all rolled into one man..lol wow

Me: Hi.  Thanks for writing. I don’t think we’re a match, but I wish you the best of luck in your search. -S

Her: Presumptuous aren’t you ?? I don’t think we’re a match —I didn’t ask you that.  Why would you think that?

Me: Well, I thought that most of the time when people write to someone on a dating site, they’re looking for a date. I think that it’s polite to say no thank you.  Most people don’t bother writing back, choosing instead to let the other person simply twist in the wind and wonder.  I’m not like that. I came here looking for someone to love, not seeking an argument.

Her: I wasn’t looking at you for a possible match….but just curious why you say we aren’t.

Me (unsent): Because you don’t handle rejection all that well.

Ah, the Beauty of a Drunken Beauty

Last night I had two shows at Ha! Comedy Club in NYC.  The first show was well-attended for a Sunday early show.

The emcee did a passable job warming up the audience though he had a bit of trouble trying to have a conversation with a European who didn’t understand his questions (comics– if this happens to you, here’s my suggestion: Cut and run. Say thank you and move onto someone else; don’t try to keep communicating with someone who doesn’t understand you).  Danny McDermott was up next and did well with a short set, but towards the end a drunk woman in the back kept interrupting him.

I was the next comic up, and it was clear that the woman was getting drunker and drunker because not only was she interrupting more, but was getting increasingly difficult to understand.

Some clubs will rapidly throw out audience members who disturb the show.  Ha! isn’t one of those clubs.

After a few interruptions I asked her her name.  She laughed.  I said “Your name is Ha?  Then you’re in the right club.”

At one point I said “I can’t understand a word she’s saying… and something tells me I’m better off.”  All my lines to quiet her down got laughs from the rest of the audience but didn’t do much to get her to stop talking. The audience finally told her to shut up and while it took me almost a minute to finish a fifteen second closing joke, it was worth it.

On my way out of the showroom she stood up and hugged me, telling me how funny I was and how much she’s enjoying the show.  I noticed the guy at her table, ignoring her.

A few minutes later she came outside.  She was beyond breath-taking.  She said it was her one year anniversary, and she was angry at her boyfriend because he kept telling her to shut up, but she wanted to talk to the comics because that’s how it’s supposed to be.  As politely as I could I told her no, that’s not how it works.  That the emcee may ask questions at the start of the show, but after that it’s our turn to talk.  But that didn’t stop her from her touchy-feely state. The other comics were staring at her, but to me she smelled like betrayal.

Clearly she wanted attention of the male kind.  But I’m not the kind of comic who’ll have sex with an audience member in the bathroom so she can get back at her boyfriend.  Or for any other reason, for that matter.

Besides, Ha! has a secret r… oops.

I’m looking for Ms. Right.  Not Ms. Right Now.

She went outside to smoke a cigarette.  The emcee and I were standing outside the showroom when she came back.  She continued talking to us, telling us how much she loved us and how funny we were.  She was also having trouble standing up.  At one point I asked her to which side she was most likely to fall so one of us could be ready to catch her…

I didn’t want her attention but I felt it was my duty to the other comics to keep her out of the showroom for as long as possible.  Which worked until she decided to return to the showroom and headed for the wrong room.

We steered her back to the waiting room and kept her occupied until it was time for her to leave.

She was so annoying that a gay comic commented that “She makes me even GAYER, if that’s possible.”

After the show one comic gave her his business card.  I pointed out that she was the drunken one who kept interrupting the show (with the bright lights in your face on stage, it’s often difficult to recognize someone from the audience after the show).  He said he knew.  When I suggested that she probably wasn’t the kind of person he wanted coming to more of his shows, he disagreed, saying that she might not always be drunk, and she’s the kind of woman who may bring a dozen friends to the next show.  Comics– what’s your take on this?

The second show was almost sold-out, the audience was warmed-up and happy when I took the stage, and I can’t even begin to explain to non-comics how great it is to tell an opening joke and have sustained laughter for ten or fifteen seconds and have that energy continue all the way through a fifteen minute set.  The kind of show where you know that you won’t get through half your material because they’re laughing so much, and because every spontaneous riff you throw in gets laughs, and you feel like you can do no wrong.

Ah, the joys of being a performer.  And in general the pride from doing a good job dealing with a difficult situation.  I can’t wait to go back.  Even if she’s there again with eleven equally-drunk friends.  Even a difficult audience is better than no audience at all.

Random, Rainy-Day Thoughts

The Ivies vs. The Sopranos… Last night was our Ivy League Comedy Showcase sm at Gotham, probably the nicest club in the city. I had a great time hosting the show, as I always have.

Then tonight I did a ten minute set at a club that’s in the basement of a chain restaurant a few blocks north of Times Square, in front of a bunch of Soprano mobster-wannabees.  Who wouldn’t shut up for anybody, not even their friend in the show whom they came to see.

Both shows were fun in their own ways.  At the Ivy show, I said “I just heard on the way here that the head of undergraduate admissions at M.I.T. had to resign because she lied on her resume– claimed to have gone to medical school when she didn’t even go to college.  And I’ve been thinking for the last hour that there has to be a joke that’s perfect for this audience.  And I thought, and thought, and thought… then realized: HEY, M.I.T. is not IN the Ivy League!”

At tonight’s show I had to fight for the audience’s attention.  But the way to do that, in circumstances like this, is to engage the biggest trouble-makers.  The only way they’d stop talking to each other is if the comic talks to them.  I really don’t like making the show about them, it’s like rewarding bad behavior, but for the sake of the rest of the audience– if the only way to make the show fun for everybody is to joke with the noisy folks, that’s what to do.  So I did. When the mobster-lite is from Harrisburg, PA, it’s easy.

Virginia Tech jokes: The killer sent his video manifesto to NBC News, which aired it.  That’s typical. This crazy murderer gets a TV credit, and I’m stuck handing out flyers in Times Square in the rain.*

Whenever there’s a tragedy like this people take advantage of the situation to advance their own political agendas… no, I’m not talking about comedians.  The pro-gun folks say that if more people had guns someone would have returned fire and fewer people would have been killed.  A nd the anti-gun folks say that if we made guns harder to get, this would never have happened. I don’t know which side is right.  But I do know that if everybody had a gun, I would’ve shot at least four people just on the drive in tonight.

* I don’t really hand out flyers in Times Square.

The Differences Between Democrats and Republicans

Okay, it’s considered a really overdone topic in comedy– the differences between men and women, or between New York and Los Angeles.  So how about… the differences between Democrats and Republicans?

I used to say that while they may share the same goals they differ in approach.  And that the difference between a Democrat and a Republican is that when an expert proposes a solution to a social problem that involves spending money (such as “I can improve reading scores by 20% or cut poverty in half; it’ll cost a billion dollars”) the Democrat says “Wonderful.  Here’s a billion dollars, best of luck to you!”

The Republican says “Prove to me that it works, WITHOUT spending any money, then you can have the billion dollars.”

Here’s another difference: When the Democrat asks a bureaucrat to take care of something and it doesn’t get done on a timely basis, the Democrat says “Wow, I didn’t realize how busy they were– so busy that they couldn’t get to my thing as quickly as I would have hoped.”

The Republican says “Those lazy bureaucrats should be fired– clearly they’re just sitting around doing nothing instead of getting to my thing when they should have.”

Random stuff

You can’t spell “Slaughter” without “laugh.”

I got spam email today– the subject was “World Wide Lootery” which I thought contained a rather ironic spelling error.

Last week at a business lunch one of my guests was trying to hide his Blackberry below the table, so while everyone else was chatting he was busy emailing in secret.  Or so he thought until I said something.

He said it was important– it was an email from his wife.  Their son’s teacher called, said he had trouble focusing and paying attention.

Clearly due to the great example his father must set.

Notes from Saturday Night’s Party

A Polish-American friend of mine invited me to her birthday party.  She said she invited 20 Americans and 80 Polish people.

I was the American who showed up. A ll around me, conversations in Polish that didn’t switch to English when I approached, speaking English.

One of my best friends in college was Polish, so I tried the only Polish I knew. Because he taught all of us Polish drinking songs.

Somehow, entering a conversation by saying what apparently translates to “The streets will be rivers with the blood of our enemies, and at the end of the rivers of blood, the navies of our enemies will be washed away” didn’t endear me to them.

The party had entertainment.  I discovered that Polish drag queens aren’t that convincing as women.  Say what you want about America– we may not make the best cars, or the best beer, but our drag queens are second to none!  Take that, you overly masculine Polish she-men!

I started a conversation (in English, this time) with an attractive woman.  What does she do for a living?  Tax accountant.  Perfectly respectable profession.  Until… she told me, completely seriously, that after tax season she’s moving to Kenya because she’s sick of the city.  I don’t know what’s wrong with rural Rockland County, but apparently the idea of retiring in her thirties to survive for $4000/year on her savings is attractive to her.  I don’t know what she’ll do if Kenya gets more modern and the cost of living rises… but that’s not my problem. If she likes kissing giraffes (she said she did) that’s between her and Mrs. Giraffe.

The next woman I met is a fashion designer.  With no designs on moving to Africa. We spoke about fashion models.  She said that clothes look good on tall, thin women.  I said that doesn’t prove anything.  Any clothing will look good on Tyra Banks.  If she wants to prove what a great designer she is, design something that looks good on Rosie O’Donnell.

Won’t Get Fooled Again

I saw a television commercial for Chevrolet.  The ad’s theme song was “American Pie.”  For the six of you who don’t know the song, it’s about the death of Buddy Holly.  And for the four of you who don’t know who Buddy Holly was, he was one of the pioneers of rock music in the fifties, until he died in a plane crash.  He was a great inspiration for a lot of rock groups who followed, including The Beatles (in fact they chose the name “The Beatles” because Buddy Holly’s group was called “Buddy Holly and the Crickets”).

I understand that “American Pie” mentions Chevrolet in it (“Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry…”).  But the song is not about cars.  It’s about the death of an American icon.

Like General Motors?

————————–

The Republican Club at NYU is running a game called something like “Spot the Illegal Immigrant.”  Participants compete to be the first one to spot a student wearing a sticker that says “Illegal Immigrant.”

Protesters are saying that the game is racist.

Exactly which race is illegal immigrant?  Because I’m pretty sure I’ve met illegal immigrants from six continents.

Illegal immigrants come from all ethnic groups.

Except one.

Last week the British military announced that Prince Harry’s unit would be going to Iraq.

This week the Prime Minister announced that Britain would begin to withdraw forces from Iraq, reducing its deployment.

Co-incidence?

I saw an ad on the internet for a service for shy people that said “Shy? Send your marriage proposals via email…”

Ignoring for a moment the use of the PLURAL in the ad…

Well, I guess it SHOULD be plural– why get turned down by one woman for proposing by email, when you can spam MILLIONS and hope that maybe one person clicks the wrong box?

How do you email an engagement ring?

I totally understand the honeymoon– with a little Photoshop you can easily paste your face into a porn site.

Women are Funny. Vanity Fair isn’t Funny… nor fair.

The January issue of Vanity Fair had an article entitled “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”

The article was, of course, nonsense.

The March issue published a number of letters in response, including mine.  Since the editors of Vanity Fair severely edited my letter, leaving merely an almost incomprehensible few sentences and even editing out my middle name, for those who are interested here is the original letter:

As possibly the only comedian ever to do a statistical analysis on gender differences in comedy I wish to refute some statements made in “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”  I strongly disagree with the claim that most funny women are either homosexual, large or Jewish despite the fact that one of my best friends in comedy happens to be all three.  Most female comedians in America are heterosexual, normal-sized Christians.

Your columnist asserted that there are more terrible female comedians than male comedians despite the preponderance of male comedians in the industry.  Isn’t it likely that these female comedians just don’t appeal to him so he labels them not funny?  If they’re working comics they must be making somebody laugh or they would soon be unemployed.  How often does Mr. Hitchens go to comedy clubs or open-mikes?  Because my experience has been that most of the really awful amateur comedians tend to be men.  When taking the stage, even if they don’t have great punch lines, women generally at least have a point to make.  And in my opinion most of the really bad amateurs are men who go on misogynistic tirades with nothing funny to say.

My gender analysis, done earlier this year, revealed that approximately a third of amateur comedians are female.  A smaller percentage of professional comics are women, although mathematically one can’t directly compare the two populations at one point in time because of the several years it takes to go from beginner to professional.  Women do appear more likely to take a class when starting in comedy, whereas men are more likely to just write some jokes and show up on open-mike night.  And while almost all women who attend open-mike nights seem to want to be comedians, some percentage of males who show up are just in need of attention, or medication.

Perhaps one reason that women comprise less than half of all working comics is the same reason there aren’t that many women in investment-banking– it’s a hard business, with a lot of hours and a great deal of self-sacrifice.  It’s quite difficult to start a family and be on the road forty weeks a year.  And anyway, as a male-dominated industry it’s a long, hard fight for women until the numbers start to even out over time.

What will help the numbers even out?  If people would stop publishing articles claiming that women aren’t funny.  It’s clearly not true.  What can your readers do?  They can go to comedy clubs to see female comics.  Comedy is a business; it runs on money.  Your money is your vote.  Go out and vote.

Shaun Eli Breidbart

Now I’m Customer Service and They’re the Customer

Dell called me yesterday about the computer I ordered for my father, which I’d already picked up at UPS earlier in the day.

Someone who may actually have been speaking English called to ask if the computer had arrived.  I said yes.  She then told me that I’d be receiving an email survey about the customer service she had just provided me.  I explained that SHE called ME, and that in fact I was the one helping her (I didn’t bother to ask why Dell didn’t check with UPS instead of me).  But that I didn’t particularly care to send HER a survey.

She didn’t understand.  But then she asked if there was anything ELSE she could help me with.  At which point I asked her what she had already helped me with.

She didn’t understand that either.

Sure hope the folks designing and assembling the computers are a bit smarter.

Um, not Exactly My Dream Girlfriend

“I play a push-up game with my boyfriend. We take half a deck of cards, flip them over one by one, and whatever number shows up, he does that many push-ups and I do half…”

Champion marathoner Melissa White, quoted in “Runner’s World” magazine.

I’ve played a push-up game or two with a girlfriend, and it never involved half a deck of cards. And I’ll bet it was a lot more fun for both of us.

By the way, shouldn’t the name of the magazine be “Runners’ World” instead?   I don’t think the world belongs to only one runner.

The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People

I got this book as a gift.  The cover says there are over 15 million copies in print. That’s more than 10% of the entire work force!  Do you think that 10% of the work force is highly successful?  Has the success of the work force improved much since this book was first published?

Have you been to the Gap or Home Depot lately?

I think his next book will be titled “The Seven Million Dollars of Highly Successful Self-Help Book Authors.”  By the way, the Self-Help section in my local Barnes & Noble is in the basement.  That’ll do wonders for your self-esteem.

And if you really want my critique of this book– it’s based on ‘research’ done by the author.  NOT research of highly-successful people.  No, that’d make sense. It’s based on research of OTHER self-help type books written over the past two hundred years.  Most of which were themselves not based on any research.

In college we called this “Mushing all the small bits of left-overs together and throwing it in the microwave because you’re hungry and drunk and there’s nothing else to eat.”

My violent new years resolutions

If you think that saying “My bad” after doing something stupid is an automatic excuse, I will punch you in the face then say “My too.”

If you drive recklessly while talking on a cell phone I will snatch the cell phone out of your hand and throw it in the river.

If you’re at the front of an elevator and think that it’s polite and chivalrous to step half aside and partially block the door while waiting for others to exit first, I will shove you into traffic.  Or at least out of the elevator.  Just get out of the elevator.  And don’t stand there with your hand on the door acting like you’re helping.  There’s an electric eye– the doors won’t close on anybody. It’s not 1976 anymore.

Global warming is maybe two degrees a century.  Not a lot in terms of temperature change, just a lot in terms of its impact on the environment.  If you blame much warmer than usual weather, like a sixty degree day in NYC in January, on global warming, I will shove you into a melting glacier.

If you didn’t order dessert that means you don’t get to eat dessert.  Don’t think it gives you a license to stick your fork in mine.  You had your chance to order when I did.

One more thing: “If life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”  WAKE UP!  You don’t get lemonade from lemons.  You get lemon juice.  You need sugar to make lemonade. And if you had the sugar, you probably wouldn’t be complaining about the lemons, now, would you?

Welcome to Brooklyn

Posted on 12/08/2006

In some ways it’s a rite of passage for a comedian, especially a white comedian, to play at an urban club.  As you probably know if you’ve ever watched “Showtime at the Apollo,” some audiences don’t go to be entertained.  They go to boo the performers off stage.  Maybe it’s empowering; I don’t know as I’ve never been tempted, while sitting in the audience, to make the show about me and start booing.

Comedians, at least those who have enough sense to research and ask questions, know that the best way to approach this kind of audience is to get them laughing so soon that they want to pay attention instead of taking over the show.  And every comedian with any experience knows that if there’s an elephant in the room you have to address it.  I’ve just never before been the elephant.

Wednesday night was my first spot at an urban club.  I was the first comedian up after the emcee who conversed with the audience, told some jokes, and mentioned, not joking, about a recent NYPD shooting in which white officers fired 50 rounds at black men in a car, killing one of them on the morning of his wedding.

And then he introduced me by saying “Are y’all ready for some white people?” (‘some’ being a generous term; I was the only one)

I opened by saying that I didn’t mind being the whitest guy in the room, I just hated being the oldest guy in the room.  Then mentioned that the MC talked about “…the cops who shot fifty times, and then all of you turned to look at the white guy…”

“I didn’t shoot anybody fifty times, I didn’t shoot anybody forty times, I didn’t shoot anybody. The only thing I’ve EVER shot in my life was a Diet Coke can, and Diet Coke cans are WHITE.”

The only white guy in the room made people laugh and all was good in the world.  Or at least in that one room in Brooklyn.

Maybe I should stop making fun of their country

Posted on 7/3/2006

My web host allows me to see which countries have provided my site with the most visitors.  Of course the U.S. is on top by far.  Followed by Germany. More German visitors than from Canada, the U.K., Ireland, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa COMBINED!

Germany.  So now I have something in common with David Hasselhoff, good beer, people who like to drive really fast and this year’s World Cup.

A lot of Germans speak very good English, further proof we won the war.  Now if only we could go to war with the food service industry, so the busboy would understand me when I said “No, I’m NOT finished with that.”

I’m also popular in the Czech Republic, Poland, Holland and Japan, other countries I’ve never visited.  And I’m popular with people in the U.S. military, and more popular in Malaysia than in Sweden.  More in Fiji than in Switzerland, and I’ve been to Switzerland.  If you go to Switzerland, yes, eat the chocolate.  Skip their wine.  France is nearby, drink their wine instead. I’ve never performed in either country, but I made people laugh on an Air France flight a few years ago (in French) and I’ve had fun performing a few sentences in French in American comedy clubs with Swiss people in the audience.

Even though they hadn’t brought any chocolate.

Fat Jokes and Sex Shops

I installed some software that tracks how people found my website (www.BrainChampagne.com). It tells me the keywords that people may have used in a search engine that brought them to my site.

Of course many people come to the site seeking free comedy videos, or advice on how to tell a joke (I wrote a column), or jokes on selling (I spoke about marketing comedy and some info appears on the website).

Quite a large number of people are seeking fat jokes.

Two people (yes, two) were seeking sex shops in Raritan, NJ.  No, I don’t have a link on my site– but one page does include the words Sex, Shop and Raritan (in unrelated posts).

Two people searched for Florida Gun Safety Comedy.

And two people this month typed in Standup Comedian Starbucks.  I guess when you can’t sleep, you can search.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

Posted on 6/20/2006

As the woman walking in front of me on the sidewalk rummaged through her purse, a ten dollar bill flew out and landed in front of me.  I picked it up and caught up to her.  “Excuse me, miss…”

She turned around angrily.  “Can’t you see I’m on the phone!” she shouted.  I shrugged.  There was no evidence of a phone–nothing in her hand, no wire running to her head.  She brushed her hair back to reveal a wireless earpiece.

“See!” she scowled at me before turning away and returning to her phone call.

I kept the money.

Diary of a mad joke-writer

Posted on 3/31/2006

I wrote the perfect joke last night. Could not get to sleep. Around 3 AM I thought of it. Eight words. Just eight words. That’s it. Silly yet deep on so many levels.

I’m not normally a one-liner comic. Yes, I write jokes, and I wish my humor were more story-like, more revealing of myself. But I’m decent at writing jokes, so that’s what I do. Usually set-up, set-up, punch, or set-up, set-up, punch, punch, punch.

Now the comics reading this think they know where it’s going. Jokes that are funny at 3 AM usually dissolve in the daylight. But not this one. Eight words. Followed by a tag that went even deeper and yet politicized the joke.

This morning I woke up and I was still laughing. Tired, but laughing. Remembering that I have a show tonight, and a show on Saturday night. I couldn’t wait to tell this joke on stage.

All day I thought about this joke. By 3 PM, only twelve hours after this perfect joke was born, I had a third tag– another punch line that not only capitalized on the eight words, and not only built on the next tag, but also added to the joke AND made fun of it all in just another eleven words.

Word-efficiency! I’d have them on the floor in twenty five seconds.

Now you all see where this is going.

There were sixty people in the room, sixty people who had paid to hear jokes.

I wanted to open with this joke, to shake the building until the bottles fell off the bar.

But I was seventh in the line-up. Seventh, after the two drink minimum would have broken through everyone’s blood-brain barrier. And how could I follow the perfect joke? Everything else I say would pale in comparison.

So I thought maybe open with something tried and true. No sense knocking their socks off if they couldn’t feel their feet. And I did. An opening joke about a cab driver, The Bronx and arson. I know it works.

It did. All three tags. The three-liner. Another three-liner that builds upon the previous. Then the next tag, one sentence that makes them laugh, then groan. That suckers them in so I can point out the futility, the silliness, the irony of their groans. For another laugh. I’m such a whore.

Then the perfect eight words. The joke I’ve been thinking about for sixteen and one half hours.

Followed by the perfect silence.

It was so quiet I could hear the subway. The Montreal subway, three hundred and twenty five miles away.

And then the next tag.

That woke them up.

And the next?

I felt exonerated.

Remember The Rule: Do not open or close with a new joke, no matter how funny you think it is. Because YOU are not the judge, nor the jury. You are the prosecutor. Your job is simply to present the evidence. THEY will render the verdict.

There is a reason people state these rules. Because we never know what’s funny. I thought those eight words were perfect.

And in a way, they were. They were the perfect set-up to the two tags that followed.

I’ve had set-ups that got bigger laughs than the punch line. I’ve learned to live with that, even feel joy– hey, if they laugh, who cares what I thought when I wrote the joke? If they don’t laugh, it’s not a punch line. But if they laugh at the set-up, IT is a punch line.

So it’s only fair that once in a while, what I thought was the perfect punch line is only a good set-up. Not ONLY a good set-up. A good set-up for two very good punch lines.

Hey, if you set out to build a car that runs on dirt, and you end up building a car that runs on oranges, don’t fret. Plant oranges.

Copyright 2006 by Shaun Eli.  All rights reserved.  Including the rights to a car that runs on oranges, if you build it.

AND… THE UPDATE:

Wow.  Got on stage on Saturday night before a packed crowd.  So packed that they had to bring in more tables to seat everyone.

I went up fourth.  As I’ve mentioned, I prefer to go up early, before the two drink minimum gets through the blood-brain barrier.  Fourth is good.

I opened my set the same way I did the night before.  Went into the eight word line, but this time thinking of it as the set-up to the two tags that follow (actually three tags now– I thought of another on the way to the club).

Worked just fine.  I’m happy.

What’s the joke?  Come to a show.  You’ll know which one it is.

See you at the clubs,

Women are Funny

Posted on 3/25/2006

Over the last month four different female comedians have spoken with me about the troubles in being a female comedian. One said that comedy was rough for women because club owners, bookers and producers often hit on the comedians, making it difficult for them to rebuff these advances and still get booked on shows. I, occasionally billed as a feminist male comedian, do notice the difficulties women go through in this business. It is harder for women to get booked than it is for men.

In the early eighties when I started going to NYC comedy clubs regularly as a fan, bookers were less likely to hire female comedians. They said that audiences didn’t like women comics, that all they did was talk about their periods and complain about men. Some club owners were even quoted as saying that women simply weren’t funny enough. It was very rare to see more than one woman in the line-up, even if the show had a dozen comedians.

And unfortunately, when people see a small amount of truth in something, they may believe the whole thing. The small amount of truth being that in fact there was a percentage of working female comics who did talk about their periods and complain about men. Sure, male comics talked about their girlfriends but they were more likely to say “MY girlfriend stinks” whereas the females were saying “ALL men stink” and for an audience there’s a difference between the two statements. I’m not her boyfriend but I am a man, and I’m therefore being insulted for my gender.

Some generalizations may have had a bit of truth twenty years ago, but no longer.

It’s been my observation lately that at amateur shows and open-mikes in NYC around thirty five percent of the comedians are female (this is more than a guess– I’ve been counting). The percentage of professional female working comics is probably much lower. But before the statisticians start calling, I do need to point out that you can’t compare the two– you’d have to look at the proportion of female amateur comics several years ago vs. working comics now (and not just in NYC) because it takes years to go from starting out to making money. And maybe only one percent ever make it to the professional level.

It takes a long time for things to change. Right now one NYC comedy club, Laugh Lounge, is owned and booked by a woman, and the person who first auditions comedians at The Comic Strip is also a woman. Many other clubs have women who book/produce shows. And if you look at who is booked at some rooms, the proportion of women seems to be on the rise. There’s no Title IX in comedy, but there are women who are doing all they can to help other women succeed. Change is happening. Not terribly fast, but faster than it would happen without the women in comedy who are there helping other women. But there is a group of people who can help women comedians even more than the bookers and other comedians can. It’s you. How can you help? Keep reading.

Some people say that one reason that men are more successful in the business world is that while women tend to seek consensus, men are more likely to try to win people over to their point of view. Genetics? Upbringing? Sexism? A combination of all three? We don’t know. I will say this about comedians– search for comedians on the web and you will discover a lot more male comedians than female comedians, and the men’s sites are more likely to have content that draws you in– as an example, look at my site (www.BrainChampagne.com) or Steve Hofstetter’s (www.SteveHofstetter.com). Of course there are exceptions– Laurie Kilmartin’s website (www.Kilmartin.com) is a good example of a woman’s comedy website with a lot of content. But only 15% of the comedians choosing to list themselves on ComedySoapbox.com are women, and an equally small proportion of the comedians who regularly post blogs, one of the site’s most popular features, are women. Marketing is very important in comedy– the more we promote, the more people we get to shows. And it’s putting people in seats that gets us booked.

I’ve learned that the comedy business is half about being funny and the other half is about people. The business really runs on favors. You gave me a spot last year when I asked for one, so I’ll tell my agent about you. You introduced me to this booker, so come open for me on the road. You gave me a ride home when I was sick and it was raining, now I have a TV show so come audition for it. Successful comedians have learned to be nice to other comedians– more than half their help as they start in the business will come from other comics.

Want to know the reason that comedy clubs put on theme shows such as Latino comics or gay comics? Because they attract an audience. Vote with your feet– if you see that NYC’s Gotham Comedy Club is putting on an all-women show, go to it. If the room is full the owners will notice and put on more of these shows. They’ll probably also put more female comics into the regular line-up. If you go to The Comic Strip because Judy Gold or Veronica Mosey or Karen Bergreen is playing, mention how much of a fan you are within earshot of the person at the door. Amateur comedians are told that one step in getting noticed is when the waitresses at comedy clubs start talking about them– they see a hundred comedians a week and what they say carries some weight. More importantly, if you, a paying customer, let it be known why you went to a show, you will be heard. It’s not exactly as scientific as the Nielsen ratings, but it works.

Why aren’t female comedians getting their share of TV shows? Where’s Laurie Kilmartin’s sitcom, or Jessica Kirson’s? I don’t know. I don’t think TV executives are geniuses, and surely they prefer going with what has already worked instead of risking something new, but if the few female-centered shows were drawing in huge ratings, the networks would notice. There seem to be a lot of television shows about young women– they’re all on UPN or WB. How are they doing? Obviously well enough that we’re getting more of them. It actually took Fox to put on a number of TV shows about black families (after very few of them on network… “Good Times,” “The Jeffersons” and “The Cosby Show” come to mind) and now there are a lot of them. And black people are what, fifteen percent of the country? Women, you’re are more than half, and I’m pretty sure you all own televisions.

Why aren’t there any women hosting late-night talk shows, traditionally a job given to a stand-up comedian? I don’t know. Joan Rivers had a shot at The Tonight Show but she blew it. Frankly I really liked her on Monday nights but I don’t know if I could have watched her five nights a week because she was, to me, more of a character than a person I wanted to invite into my home on a regular basis. I would quickly get sick of having so much of her. I would have said the same thing about Rodney Dangerfield, by the way. But perhaps this is still the result of sexism. Possibly women in comedy have to be more character-driven in order to get to the top, and then at the top they’re locked into their character. Roseanne and Ellen got sitcoms, but Jay Leno got the comedian’s biggest prize. I think he does a fabulastic job and I’m thrilled he buys some of my jokes, but when Johnny Carson retired part of me wanted Rita Rudner to get the job.

A long time ago people said that women would never be TV stars, until Lucille Ball proved them wrong. In the eighties people said that the traditional sitcom was dead because it had been done to death, until “The Cosby Show” showed that the problem was not the sitcom format but simply that we needed better sitcoms. For a long time people said that standup comedy as a TV show or movie theme wouldn’t work, until Jerry Seinfeld proved them wrong. Some people even say that Kevin Costner will never be in a movie without baseball. Eventually he may prove them wrong too. There will consistently be number one sitcoms starring women. Maybe even, shockingly, with me, a feminist male, as the head writer of one of them. What will make these shows number one? When you all watch them. That’s what made Oprah the Queen of daytime TV. Viewers. It’s as simple as that.

And before you go completely batty, remember that while the winners of all three seasons of “Last Comic Standing” were men, not one has a TV show. Pamela Anderson has had how many?

You want more female comics to succeed? Get yourself to their shows. There are thousands of comedy clubs in big cities, in little cities and even occasional professional comedy shows in small towns, all over the United States. Comedy is a business; it runs on money. Your money is your vote. Go out and vote.

Feminist Male Comedian sm

Note: This was written for publication last year and never run.

The Stupidity of Being Dishonest

Written 2/17/2006

Yesterday someone I don’t know contacted me through the feedback form on my website. She said that she was taking a friend out and asked if I could mail her eight free tickets, and mentioned a particular date.

A date when I do not have a show scheduled (and my website lists my schedule).

There are some shows I do where I can occasionally ask the club to comp people’s cover charge, so I wrote a nice email to the address she gave on the feedback form.

I said that I didn’t have a show that night, but that I appreciated her interest. I explained that most of the clubs at which I perform don’t have actual tickets but simply add the cover charge to the bill at the end of the show. And that I would be happy to let her know the next time I could get the club to waive the cover charge for her entire party.

The email bounced. She filled out the contact form but didn’t give me her correct email address (she gave me her mailing address for the tickets, but lied about her email address).

So she’s not going to receive my offer of free tickets, because though I emailed her, at this point I don’t think it’s worth my while to type out a letter, print it out, fill out an envelope, put a stamp on it, and mail it to her. Even if I did, I doubt she’d bother to write back to tell me whether she’s actually coming, so why would I go through all that trouble for someone who might not even show up?

No, an actual letter is too much work. I’d rather just blog about it.

Cheney should have served in the military

Written on 2/13/2006

Because in the military they teach you an important rule: You’re not supposed to shoot your friends.

What a bizarre country. The Secret Service uses a vast amount of resources to protect our leaders, but then they give people shotguns and say “Feel free to stand near the vice president and shoot at quail. Try not to hit any people.” And this confused some of the older Secret Service personnel because two vice presidents ago was a guy named Quayle.

Do you get the feeling that if it had been the other way around, that if Vice President Cheney’s friend had been the one doing the shooting and had accidentally hit the vice president that he’d have been sent off to Guantanamo Bay and never be heard from again?

In other news, the author of “Jaws” died over the weekend. Ironically, he was eaten by an alligator.

In Today’s News– from the front page of the Bloomberg Professional Service

Created on 1/12/2006

Since registration dates are getting earlier and earlier each year, couples in NYC are advised to register their future children for private pre-schools and summer camps prior to having sex during ovulation

Wal-mart is being sued in Pennsylvania for requiring its employees to work for free through breaks and after their shifts end. “You have a friend in Pennsylvania…” you just can’t see him because he’s in the stock room on his lunch hour.

I suggest starting the trial at 9 AM and not stopping for anything until the jury has reached a verdict.

The U.S. Trade Deficit has started shrinking as exports reached a record. Apparently now foreigners have enough money to start shopping at our country’s new Going Out Of Business Sale.

California regulators have approved a $2.5 billion subsidy program for solar energy. It’s a trick. Good luck getting the sun to sign off on it.

“Supreme Court nominee Alito Seeks to Assure Democratic Lawmakers of Views on Presidential Powers”– does this remind anybody of every movie and TV show where someone makes a deal with Satan but somehow Satan cheats and wins? No matter what Alito says, once he’s confirmed he’s in for life, which could be a very long time unless he accepts a ride home from Senator Kennedy, a pretzel from President Bush or signs a $50 million deal with Comedy Central.

Home Depot says that the S.E.C. has made an informal request for information on the company’s dealings with vendors. I hope they’re more successful than I’ve been with all my requests for information from anyone from Home Depot. I’m still waiting for a response to my question about the generator I’m thinking of buying for Y2K.

“Cape Cod Indians Worry Abramoff Links May Hurt Casino Chances, U.S. Aid”– Listen, we all feel bad for how this country has treated, and continues to treat, Native Americans. But hey, aid OR casinos, okay? One or the other. You don’t need both.

“Toyota, Bullish on U.S., Doubles 2006 Sales Growth Target Set Last Week”– apparently their executives stopped by a Chevy dealership yesterday and revised all their sales goals upward. When they finished laughing.

“Federated to Sell Lord & Taylor to Focus on Macy’s”– The company has hired JPMorgan Chase and Goldman, Sachs to advise them on the sale. Maybe this is why sales are down– when a retailer needs two investment banks to tell them how to sell, something is clearly wrong.

Wine with Food? How about Wine with Movies?

Posted on 1/7/06

Millions of words have been written about which wines go with which foods. To the best of my knowledge up until now no one has written about which wines go with which movies. This occurred to me as I was fetching a wine to drink as I screened “The Godfather” for about the fifth or sixth time.

Many people might suggest a Chianti or Barolo but I think a strong red zinfandel such as a Martinelli or Hartford would be a better choice. The taste seems to follow the sepia tones of the film, and more than one Italian-American has told me that red zin reminds him of the wine his father used to make at home. Besides, zin would go better with the cannoli.

For “When Harry Met Sally” I’d suggest an over-oaked chardonnay.

“American Graffiti”– a blanc de blancs Champagne.

“The Producers”– an inexpensive ice wine (Selaks from New Zealand, for example, where they pick the grapes then place them in a freezer instead of the more traditional method of letting them freeze on the vine).

“The Taking of Pelham One Two Three”– cough medicine.

“Casablanca” anyone?

Goodbye, old cell phone

Posted on 12/1/2005

I won’t miss your easily broken antenna, your scratched screen or that fact that your charger plug is loose and I sometimes have to jiggle the phone to get it to recharge. I will miss your choice of ring tones. I hope the battered spouse who receives this now-donated phone gets through to 911 when she or he needs to. I know I always did.

My new phone comes with 35 ring tones, each one annoying. But it has a camera that has already helped me fight a parking ticket I received because apparently not all ticket agents have the same definition of “Sunday” as the rest of the city.

I’ll miss some of the numbers I didn’t bother copying to my new phone. Such as the woman I dated two or three times who kept saying she wanted to see me again, but apparently she defines “see me again” the same way at least one ticket agent defines “Sunday.” I don’t know when it is, but it never got scheduled whenever I asked.

I won’t miss the woman I dated for three months who still had to schedule our Friday and Saturday night dates around all her internet secret first dates that she thought I didn’t know about. Won’t miss her even though she was quite lovely-looking, always smiling, a genuinely happy person, the only one with all three of her numbers (home, cell and work) in my phone.

I’ll miss the woman I dated for five months, dated until I gently asked her what the cause of her twitching was. I thought it might be a form of Tourette’s Syndrome, but I’ll never know because she denied twitching (“What hump?” for those of you who remember the movie “Young Frankenstein”) and then broke up with me. Her loss; her shy cat was beginning to like me, an accomplishment previous boyfriends had never achieved.

I’ll miss the fact that I could call my parents by pressing one button and saying “Folks.” Now I have to flip the phone open and push two keys. Way too much effort to say hi to the people who brought me into this world and raised me with values I appreciate and want to instill in my future children. Especially because every time I call them they tell me how much they love me and how much something in their house needs fixing and when can I come over and do it? Not tomorrow? Saturday, then? I’ll always suggest Sunday.

I’ll miss having a booker’s cell number programmed directly into my phone and being able to call her anytime I wanted to confirm shows. I’m sure she’s not missing it.

I’ll miss seeing my ex-girlfriend Jen’s phone number in the phone, even though I didn’t call her after we broke up (for those of you saying “They’re ALL named Jennifer” this was Jen #3). I have fond memories of my time with Jen #3–I was dating her when I started stand-up comedy, and if you’ve heard my joke about dating a doctor, that’s Jen. Actually I did contact her recently– she’s married and eight months pregnant. She’s possibly only the second long-term girlfriend I’ve had who didn’t almost immediately after our breakup marry a doctor. But that’s maybe not exactly an exception to the rule because SHE’S a doctor; perhaps the rule is that ONE of them has to be a doctor. She’ll make a great mom. She’s so good with babies and children. And yes, she’s a pediatrician, just as the joke goes.

I won’t miss the most recent ex-girlfriend, the one who broke my heart by not falling in love with me even though I thought we were perfect together, right down to the compatibility of our stuffed animals and that we both referred to her liquid soap dispenser as the soap house and to my bedroom as the sleeping pod. I won’t miss her because her number is in my new phone, which I got just before we broke up. Oh, her photos are there, too, and they come up when she calls me. A photo of her when she calls from home, and a photo of her holding her cell phone camera, taking a picture of me, when she calls from her cell phone.

I’d give up the cell phone entirely to have her back and in love with me, but since that’s not going to happen, buy some stock in Verizon. I’ll be putting new numbers in the phone and making a lot of calls.

The On-line Dating Dictionary– some help for on-line daters

“I work hard and play hard” means I work too many hours then get really, really drunk and throw up on your new shoes.

“I want to experience all that NYC has to offer” means “I’ve lived here for ten years and still the only things I can think of to do are to see movies and go to dinner with my friends.”

Fat means fat… Zaftig means fat… Medium means fat… In Shape means fat (spherical is a shape)… Firm and toned means fat and will beat you up for saying it… Thin means fat (people lie)… A few extra pounds– “in the right places” means… the right place is ELSEWHERE! Be glad it’s nowhere near you!

“I like going to new restaurants” means “I like going to the newest, most expensive restaurants. And just being able to pay is not enough– you have to be able to get a reservation at the newest restaurant two minutes after I call and tell you about it.”

“My glass is half-full” means “I think I’m an optimist but since I can’t think of any examples I’ll just use an old cliche.”

ANYTHING IN ALL CAPS- I WILL SHOUT AT YOU through our entire first (and last) date.

Consultant- lost my job.

Self-employed- lost my job years ago.

Entrepreneur- lost my job two years ago but I found a thesaurus.

Enterpernuer- lost my job two years ago, found a thesaurus but didn’t look at it all that carefully.

“I’m intelligant”- maybe, but you’re not intelligent.

“My friends and family are very important to me” means “Daddy pays my rent so I answer the phone when he calls.”

“Communication is key” so after one date if you stop returning my phone calls, eventually I’ll figure out you may not want to talk to me anymore.

I love to travel” (woman) if I won’t sleep with you in NYC, I won’t sleep with you in Paris either. But I encourage you to fly me there just to make sure.

“I love to travel” (man)- If my team is doing well, I’ll disappear every away-game weekend to watch them play, and, win or lose, I’ll forget to call you when I’m away.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (woman)- remember, “life” includes your American Express Gold Card and Tiffany’s.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (man)- I expect you to offer me everything I can think of, and I’ve watched a lot of porn.

“Please be able to laugh at yourself” because this Sunday at brunch with my friends, we will all be laughing at you, and I don’t want you to dump my egg-white omelette/beer in my lap if you happen to be nearby and overhear.

“Loyalty is very important to me”- my last three lovers cheated on me.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Woman)- No, really, she’s not.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Man)- Don’t expect me to buy you dinner past the third date- I expect you to cook me dinner if I bring a DVD over.

“I’m as comfortable in a sexy black cocktail dress as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” or “I’m as comfortable in a tuxedo as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” Because I’ve put on weight and my jeans no longer fit.

“I’m down to earth”- I’m shorter than most of my friends.

“I’m not good at writing about myself but this is what my friends say about me”- I have no idea who I am so I copied a bunch of ideas from other people’s profiles.

The Name is Shaun

Posted on 11/04/2005

Often people ask me “Is Shaun a Jewish name?” or “How can you be Jewish and be named Shaun?”

Let me clear up the uncertainty. Shaun is very much a Jewish name. Prominent in the Bible were Shaun Macabee who saved the Jewish people from massacre when a tiny bit of oil burned for eight days (the holiday Shanukah celebrates this). There was also King Shaun, famous for such inspirations of brilliance as suggesting cutting a baby in half (nowadays, of course, with extended and convoluted families we cut babies into eighths, like pizza). And, in the Talmud, Rebbe Shaun of Letichev is very prominent, known for such wise sayings as “Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is better than doing nothing at all” and “”Instead of adding so much salt when you’re cooking, why don’t you leave it on the table and let the individual diners salt the meal according to their own tastes?”

Shauns are famous for more modern accomplishments as well. Shaun Graham Bell invented the telephone; later his grandson Shaun Walker Bell invented the cell phone, after an unsuccessful career as an oil man and an attempt to invent the smell phone.

Shaun Einstein, of course, was responsible for the famous saying “Nice work, Einstein!”

And then there was the Japanese engineer Shaun Ota, who invented a toy that later became a car. Of course he named it after himself. Yes, the ToyOta.

Copyright 2005 by Shaun Eli Breidbart. All rights reserved, except feel free to name your son Shaun. Everyone else is doing it.

News of the Day

Posted on 10/27/2005

The NYC Transit Authority is looking for ways to spend an unanticipated billion dollar surplus. How about… soap?

Or maybe a joint marketing promotion with Gillette– buy a Metrocard, get a coupon for a stick of deodorant.

arriet Miers withdrew her name for nomination to the Supreme Court. I find it hard to understand how the extreme right wing that got Bush elected won’t believe their extreme right wing president when he says Trust me, I’ve known her for years and she’s as right-wing as the rest of us.

Perhaps someone found a bad review of brownies she made for the Klan’s bake sale? Because that wasn’t she, it was Trent Lott.

Is it possible that someone found evidence that Harriet Miers is not a virgin?

Tropical storm Beta is now forming in the Caribbean. Beta? Are we TESTING storms now?

News stories show Floridians lining up for food and water… but they’re not Floridians, that’s just the end of the long line of Louisianans still standing in line.

Buying a Job

Posted on 10/25/2005

The Laugh Factory in L.A. recently auctioned off (proceeds go to Katrina victims) the opening spot in an upcoming Jon Lovitz stand-up comedy show. The winning bid was over $7,000. My smaller bid was apparently not enough.

Bidding for stage time? Why would a comedian do that? Please let me explain why I bid.

$2750 for a ten minute spot at The Laugh Factory

Bush’s four year term in The White House

At that rate, it would cost you $576,576,000* to buy a four-year term in the White House. Here are some advantages of buying the time on stage vs. buying the presidency:

1. I can finance the $2750 myself, with no help needed from Exxon, Philip Morris or the gun lobby.

2. The tape of my spot will surely have fewer gaffs than any ten minutes of Bush in front of a camera.

3. I can say whatever I want without worrying about offending those who claim to support me. I can contradict myself, change my mind, even insult myself.

4. The money goes to help Katrina victims, unlike any money actually being spent by the Bush administration.

5. I can leave early, and they won’t put Cheney on stage.

*Calculation based on 24 hours. The president isn’t any more productive when he’s awake, so why not include the time he’s sleeping?

ARE They on The Job?

Posted on 10/19/2005

On September 26th I wrote about a problem I had with the NYPD, and how they finally responded that they were doing something about it. I’d tried to report a crime, volunteering information as a witness, and I was pushed off from precinct to precinct as nobody wanted to take ownership of investigating this crime. This because precinct commanders are rated on how well they decrease crime in their territories, so they do what they can to prevent people from actually filing a police report.

Two days after my blog I got a letter from the precinct commander. The letter apologized for taking six months to get back to me but giving me the good news that an arrest was made and that the Manhattan District Attorney’s office was prosecuting the case.

Good news if it were true. But it’s not. I called the D.A. on the case. He said that while he’d like to continue, they haven’t been able to locate the perpetrator, and without being able to bring him in, they don’t bother issuing an arrest warrant (apparently they, or indictments, expire).

When I finished college, returned to NY and was living in The Bronx I was called for jury duty. A simple case– two cops saw a guy with a gun and arrested him. This was pretty easy because in 1989 in The Bronx about one in three people walked around with an illegal handgun. The defendant was a twice-convicted felon who contradicted himself on the stand. An easy verdict, I thought.

We couldn’t reach a verdict. Why not? Because the other jurors didn’t believe anything the cops said. Why would they lie, I asked.

“Because that’s what cops do,” they explained. “You naive child of the suburbs, babies cry, old people die and cops lie. That’s what they do. They don’t need a reason. They just do. Like alcoholics drink, cops lie.”

Eventually we convicted the guy, but it took a whole day of deliberations (more on this in a future blog).

My father is a retired law enforcement officer, a veteran, and someone I look up to as a model of integrity.

But tomorrow, when I start another round of jury duty, I won’t be thinking about my father’s honesty. Foremost on my mind might be how the NYPD is telling me what they think I want to hear, with reckless disregard for the truth.

Inspector, the next time your officers lose a case in court, keep in mind, you might also be to blame.

Attention Commuters

I could swear I heard this announcement in Grand Central Terminal this morning:

“Please be advised that the Constitutional rights of anyone carrying a backpack or other large item are subject to violation at any time.”

The NYPD is on the case

In February I was a witness to a non-violent crime. When I called the relevant precinct to make a statement and to give them further information on the crime they told me it wasn’t in their area, and to call a different precinct. Six phone calls later, all to find out which precinct covered that address (no exaggeration, seven phone calls in total) I was steered back to the first place I called. This is, of course, after the responding officers told the victims that what happened wasn’t illegal (it was clearly a premeditated fraud, and the District Attorney’s office looked into it but apparently never issued an arrest warrant for the perp).

It’s well-known in NYC that precinct commanders are judged by the amount of crime in their precincts and they will do anything they can to get that number down, even if it means implying that their officers try to avoid taking police reports. I’m sure that they’re great and brave when it comes to risking their lives to catch violent criminals, but if it’s just a property crime, well, too bad. Someone ripped the mirror off your car? Sorry, that’s a matter between you and your insurance company. Your druggie son stole your jewelry? Well, we’re not family counseling, we’re cops.

I sent an e-mail to the NYPD suggesting that they do something to stop their officers from deterring people from reporting crimes and that they post legible precinct maps on the city’s website (there’s one on the internet but it’s not detailed enough to be useful around the precinct borders). I also mentioned the crime and suggested that someone call me for further information.

Well guess what? Today (September 26th) I got a call from an officer at the precinct that covers the location. Seven months later, he’s getting back to me. He said that he’s new in that precinct, and to call him directly if I have any future problems in his precinct.

I’m glad the FDNY works on a different time-table.

From now on, whenever anyone says iPod, you have to say “You pod?”

Why do motorcyclists rev their engines at stoplights?

Because twisting a small penis doesn’t make the same loud noise.

Why do Harley riders rev their engines at stoplights?

To keep them from stalling.

Our MBA President

I just want to remind everyone that when George Bush ran for president the American people were promised that this first “MBA President” would apply business techniques to government, making it operate more efficiently.

The deficit, the war in Iraq and the feeble response to Hurricane Katrina demonstrate that while our “MBA President” may have mastered the principles of financial leverage by running up record deficits, he is a miserable failure at strategic planning.

I Was Wrong

All this time I thought that big business should not be running the country, that the government should be separate from industry. That the logging industry should not control our forests, that oil company executives should not be writing our energy policy.

I was wrong. We need the government completely run by corporations. For example, we should have Costco, McDonald’s and FedEx running FEMA– they would have had all the stranded flood victims fed and evacuated in about a day.

Too bad President Bush cut the government’s $40 Costco membership fee from this year’s budget, or we’d have had a lot more drinking water to ship…

It’s been reported that the government was asked for funding to repair the New Orleans levees but the president cut their funding to an amount insufficient to prevent last week’s disaster. That’s typical government thinking– someone asks for money, they give him less, and it’s not enough to solve the problem. When it’s a social program, typically the democrats ask for money, the republicans don’t give them enough, then when the program doesn’t succeed due to lack of funding, the republicans say “See, it doesn’t work.”

In this case I presume that either party would do what they can to cut the budget, and preventing this disaster was one of the items cut. But we’re the richest country in the world– we can afford to fix everything, but apparently tax cuts for the rich were more important than the lives of 100,000 poor people in Louisiana.

If you went to a plastic surgeon and were told that the procedure has a one in a thousand chance of complications, you’d probably go ahead with the surgery. Unless the doctor said that “by procedure I mean each time I press the Suck button on the liposuction machine, and I do that five hundred times during an operation,” because with such terrible odds you’d be nuts to go ahead with the procedure.

The levees breaking was maybe a one in a thousand chance. But I wonder how many other long-shot emergency items have also been cut. Are there more Katrina/New Orleans levees waiting to happen? And what are we doing about it?

As hard as it is for a black person to catch a cab in the city, it’s clear that it’s even harder to hail a helicopter.

Posted on 09/01/2005

President Bush has praised the newly-proposed Iraqi Constitution. You know he hasn’t read it…. He hasn’t even read OUR Constitution.

Volunteers are flocking to hurricane-damaged areas to help out. Hey, they HAVE people! Plenty of people, people with nothing to do. They need people with some SKILLS, like utility workers, not more unskilled people they have to house and feed. Turn your truck around, Gus, and go back home. The two hundred bucks you would have spent on gas to drive to New Orleans? Give it to charity, let them buy food for the hurricane victims, and use THEIR expertise to get it to Biloxi and New Orleans.

Dolce & Gabbana announced that they plan to begin selling low-rise jeans for men. Low-rise MEN’S jeans? This would be horrible… if any men actually shopped at Dolce & Gabbana.

Posted on 08/24/2005

President Bush is meeting Chinese President Hu. President Hu? This has Bad International Incident written all over it.

Last week Madonna was injured falling off a horse. Usually it’s the other way around.

The president of Turkmenistan has outlawed all lip-synching, even at private parties. Let’s call this what it is– the first step toward a total international ban on karaoke. My friend Phil, stationed in Ashgabat, probably doesn’t realize how lucky he is.

After calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Chavez, Pat Robertson is now saying he was misinterpreted… even though he clearly talked about assassination. Perhaps somebody showed him a copy of the Ten Commandments, so he’s trading in “Thou Shalt Not Kill” for “Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness.” I have no comment on the Commandment “Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Oil.”

I am tired of people writing editorials and letters to newspapers saying that if politicians are for the war in Iraq why aren’t their children in the military? This is not a relevant question:

Their children, once they reach 18, are free to make up their own minds. Not only is it not their parent’s decision, but it’s also wrong to assume that the children of pro Iraq war politicians are also for the war.

Furthermore, the children of politicians may be able to make other, equally important, contributions to society. I don’t think too many people would take someone who could be a brilliant cancer researcher and say “Hey, grab this rifle– you may not be a better shot than the next guy, but hey, screw the cancer research and start shooting.”

Yes, I realize I’m defending the president’s drunken daughters. But now that they’re adults, they’re free to opt to spend the rest of their lives getting drunk instead of defending our country. As long as they don’t get so drunk that they throw up on the Japanese Prime Minister’s daughters.

Hey, at least they don’t have their own reality show. I guess it’s because their daddy already does.

New Scientific Study on Business Productivity

A new study conducted by the Wharton School of Business in conjunction with the Pew Research Institute and the Marist Poll determined that the personal computer has increased American productivity by 34%… but that American workers now spend 47% of their work day playing on the internet.

Disagree? Where the hell are you sitting right now? And where were you sitting the first time you found www.BrainChampagne.com?

Please bookmark www.BrainChampagne.com and read it every morning on company time.

NBC’s Newest Show

Since the finale of their show “I Want To Be A Hilton” didn’t get the ratings they expected, the network has announced a follow-up contest show: “I Want To Beat The Crap Out Of A Hilton With A Louisville Slugger.”

——————————————————————————-

Four Cops Stopped Me

Posted on 08/01/2005

They stopped me from getting on my train. They took me aside and said that they wanted to look in my backpack.

I said no. My backpack contained no contraband, only my date book, cell phone, some magazines, some confidential business papers, and a copy of the Constitution. Really. It’s in my backpack. Hey, some people carry the whole Bible. Oh, and about a half-dozen empty soda cans. I’m a caffeine addict, an environmentalist, and thrifty. Nobody needed to know that.

When “Seinfeld” first went on the air, my roommate and I wrote a spec. script for the show. The producer wrote back, saying no thanks, but explained that they didn’t know what they were looking for, because they were new at this and had no idea what they were doing. It was a nice letter, nicer now in hindsight because apparently, knowledge or not, they did just fine.

I wrote another script. You’ll see why this is relevant in a few hundred words.

I asked the police officer if she would prevent me from getting on my train if I refused to consent to a search. She said yes. I told her “Then I guess I’m taking the next train.”

Which I did, though I used a different entrance to the platform so they wouldn’t entirely keep me from getting home. Which I would have done with my regular train, but I didn’t have enough time.

As you know if you’ve read my earlier blog I think these random searches are a stupid, and unconstitutional, idea. Stupid because you can say no, which means that anybody carrying something illegal can just leave (okay, they caught one idiot carrying M-80 fireworks, but so far that’s it). It’s not a great use of thousands of police and civilian hours. And because a terrorist could choose to blow himself/herself up right there, killing civilians AND the police officers. Or, as I did, simply take another train. And unconstitutional because the Constitution says “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated…” By my way of thinking, the right to stop anybody, at any time, claiming the “right” to search their belongings, is unreasonable. My time is a valuable resource, and I don’t need the police looking through papers of mine which might be confidential, through property of mine which might be embarrassing, because they think that random stops deter terrorism. What if I were a journalist, an attorney, an investment banker or a doctor, carrying papers that were not for the police to examine? It might not be only MY rights which were being violated.

I called my parents to tell them that I was thinking of notifying the ACLU that I was stopped, and that I was volunteering should the ACLU, of which I am not a member, decide to sue to stop these random searches.

Both parents were against it. My mother said that the government had new powers, powers to which she is opposed, but you can’t fight them. My father also thought I shouldn’t fight.

My father’s family lost everything in the Great Depression, and his father died when he was young. My father fought in World War II (on our side). My mother came here from Russia, her parents fleeing totalitarianism. They abandoned everything they had when they came here, and were dirt poor back when there was no Welfare and Brooklyn still had plenty of dirt. My mother had to walk miles to college when she didn’t have the nickel for the trolley (really). Yet somehow she and her sister managed to get through college and a master’s degree program– because back then, City College was truly free.

Mom told me that even after living in the U.S. for decades, when her father saw a police officer he walked the other way. Because for his entire life in Russia, nothing good ever came out of a possible confrontation with a police officer. Keep in mind he was a Jew in a small town in Russia, where for sport the Cossacks would get drunk and beat up Jews for no reason. My family was smart– they got into the alcohol business so they had some control– if you’re drinking, the last person you want to beat up is the guy who makes the booze. But still it wasn’t a great life for them. Of course once they got here, like so many other immigrants, they had to start over.

Neither of my parents had it easy. Yet somehow they not only got through it, they raised three sons who, between all of us, have seven Ivy League degrees (one of which is mine).

When I told my parents that I intended to volunteer to fight the searches—— Well, this was the first time I’d ever heard either of them actually sound scared of anything. My parents. Two of the toughest people I’ve ever known, and my circle of acquaintances has included Olympic gold medal rowers, U.S. Marines, a pediatric oncologist, Israeli commandos, black belts in karate.

My own parents, scared of OUR OWN GOVERNMENT.

In AMERICA. The land of the free and the home of the brave.

Which made me realize I’m doing the right thing by volunteering to fight this. Because, as someone once said, and has often been quoted, the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Okay, now to explain the Seinfeld reference. I wrote a second spec. script. A couple of months later I watched as they aired MY SCRIPT. The same two plots, virtually the same story, some of even the same types of sentences and ideas. Yet I hadn’t even heard from them, and you can be sure that someone else was listed as the writer. I was LIVID. STEAMING. READY TO EXPLODE, for the five minutes it took me to realize that I hadn’t yet sent them my second script.

Yes. A co-incidence. Wow.

So, let’s say I wasn’t Shaun. I was darker-skinned, named Abdul or Mohammed, carrying a copy of the Koran. And they’d stopped me.

Do you think I’d have thought I was chosen randomly? Of course not.

So, not only do these random searches waste time, frighten people, waste resources that could be put to better use, but they also risk convincing people that they are the victims of stereotyping, of discrimination, of the violation of their equal rights. That too is a risk we should not be taking. Because people come to this country to ESCAPE that, not to experience it. We’re supposed to be the best country in the world, the one in which everyone wants to live, the shining example for the rest of the world to follow. Not just the richest. The most just. The one with the lady in the harbor, welcoming your “…tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” She’s been here more than a hundred years, yet we haven’t even had the decency to give her a full name. I suggest Janette Liberté. But that’s another story.

As an aside: I am for the legalization of marijuana. Also for the legalization of marajuana and the legalization of marihuana. Any drug that has three different spellings is fine with me.

Someone else once said, of nazi Germany, “When they came for the communists, I didn’t speak up because I was not a communist. When they came for the Jews, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Jew. When they came for the Catholics, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Catholic. When they came for me, there was no one left to speak up.”

I have to speak up. We have to draw the line somewhere. Better now than later.

I had no drugs in my bag. I do not use marijuana, by any spelling. But I feel that cannabis (this saves me from favoring a particular spelling) is probably less dangerous than alcohol, has been shown to have few if any harmful side-effects (okay, if you overeat because you smoked some then you may risk heart disease) and yet it’s illegal while alcohol and regular cigarettes, which kill hundreds of thousands of Americans a year, are legal.

Gee, I wonder who’s making those campaign donations. Hello?

So, since I’m against arresting people for possession of, or use of (as long as they’re not driving), cannabis, I think that these random searches inhibit people’s ability to buy, transport, sell and use the drug. Another reason to oppose these searches.

If enough people say no, maybe we can make a difference. Maybe instead of searching randomly they’ll put their brains to use to find a better way to stop terrorists. Because, guess what? The terrorists know they’re searching backpacks on NYC public transit. Heard of Philadelphia mass transit? Heard of the local supermarket? Heard of hiding a bomb under your shirt, instead of in a backpack? So have the terrorists. If you try to stop them somewhere, they’ll figure out where else to go. Stop looking backwards for train bombers, and think progressively, and figure out where they’re going NEXT. Like you should have, schmucks running our country, before September 11th. Because, as I said in a letter to the New York Times that was published three years ago, “Terrorists had previously tried to destroy the World Trade Center. The White House had received warnings of hijackings. A 1994 Tom Clancy novel depicted a terrorist crashing a 747 into the Capitol Building during a joint meeting of Congress. Just about everybody who had ever played Microsoft’s Flight Simulator game before Sept. 11 had crashed an imaginary airplane into a virtual World Trade Center.” I wrote this letter after Condoleeza Rice, then our National Security Advisor, said “I don’t think anybody could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center.”

Hey, wake up and smell your job description.

To quote the leader of our country, “Either you’re with us, or you’re against us.”

How Stupid Are We? How Stupid Do We Think They Are?

Posted on 07/22/2005

On my birthday yesterday I learned that the NYPD plans to begin random searches of backpacks in subways.

“Those who are ready to sacrifice freedom for security ultimately will lose both” – Abraham Lincoln

But let’s even forget about the fact that the country is starting to feel a bit like a police state– random searches, secret uncontestable search warrants issued by secret judicial panels, people being labelled “enemy combatants” so they don’t have to be given their Constitutional rights (when the phrase “enemy combatant” does not appear in the Constitution). Let’s even forget that with all our airline security, while we’ve caught a lot of guys named Gus who forgot that they were carrying guns, we haven’t caught anyone with any actual intent to hijack a plane. And the highest-profile reported case of actually catching a suspected terrorist in this country turned out to be a guy who bragged to his friends that he was selling weapons, but since he had no access to weapons and didn’t know anybody evil to sell weapons to, the FBI conveniently pretended to be a weapons supplier and also found an FBI phony weapons buyer so they could actually arrest a guy with no access to either side of his transaction. Essentially they made him an arms dealer so they could arrest him for being an arms dealer.

Enough on that. Let’s look at the idea of random backpack searches. They say they’ll be random and there won’t be racial profiling. Sure, because Middle-Eastern isn’t a race. Do you think they’ll randomly open an eighty year old white woman’s big purse? How hard do you think it is to slip a small time bomb into Phillis’s purse when she’s not looking?

The NYC subway system has millions of riders a day. They’ll be able to stop only a few thousand people. So if you’re a suicide bomber, the odds are with you. Oh, and if they do stop one, do you think he’ll open his bag and let the cop find the bomb? No, he’ll blow himself up (along with the cop, and everyone behind him in line at the turnstiles). It will rain blood and metrocards. Mission accomplished.

So let’s search everyone, so the subway will be eight dollars a ride (cops are expensive) and it takes as long to get on the D train as it does to get through security at JFK. Don’t even think of taking nail clippers to work. Oh, you work in a nail salon, Kara? Not anymore.

Sure, let’s search every subway rider. So the suicide bombers give up on the subway… and instead blow up everyone in Gristedes, the movie theater, on the sidewalk. Maybe we’ll have door-to-door suicide bombers.

At least until winter, when they can hide the bombs under their winter coats.

Or recruit women. Do you really think Officer Subway is going to ask the pregnant woman to lift up her abaya to show that she’s really pregnant? Will they make Fat Tony prove he’s not really Mini-Tony?

Will pretty French tourists stop bringing sexy underwear on vacation because they don’t want to be embarrassed in public by Officer Subway pawing through their suitcase? Because if that happens, I’m buying an airline ticket to Europe.

Just for the record, I’m okay with some unobtrusive way to search, such as a machine that can sniff explosives. But anything that wastes my time, and invades my privacy, I have a problem with.

And I heard on the radio yesterday that in the past four years there have been 1600 accidental incursions of the giant flight restrictions around Washington, DC. That’s 1600 incursions and not one attempt on anyone’s life.

Think about that. 1600 pilots who screwed up. Which means that probably there have been hundreds of thousands of flights that had to divert around that airspace. Do you realize what a monumental waste of time and fuel that must be? Can’t we find a better way to protect our leaders than shutting down the airspace all around them?

Please stop talking about “Thinking outside the box” if THERE IS NO BOX.

Don’t tell me to “Do the math” unless there is actual math to be done.

It’s not “A win-win situation for both parties” unless there are four winners.

And please don’t say yourself or myself unless you or I are both the subject and object of the sentence. In other words, you can look at yourself. I can look at myself. But I cannot look at yourself unless you and I are the same person. And I’m pretty sure we’re not. Because when I do look at myself, I see me, not you.

If you have a problem with that, get back inside the box.

Suing the Landlord

Posted on 7/13/05

So I had to sue my landlord. Back in the winter they were doing reconstruction on the apartment upstairs. The standard way to gut an apartment is to bust out a window, park a dumpster in the alley below, and throw all the debris out the window into the dumpster.

And, if you’re not an idiot, when it’s four degrees outside you remember to cover up the gaping hole when you leave on Friday evening.

If you’re an idiot, the pipes freeze and the apartment below gets flooded. Under NY State law, it’s pretty clear that the landlord is responsible for the flood. I sent a nice letter asking for compensation and he said I’d have to sue him. So I did.

Since only a few months earlier we’d had a fire (Note– an unsupervised three year old, curtains and a cigarette lighter… any two of the three, no problem. All three, a big problem) I didn’t have much left to damage. I sued for around $1050. The night before the Small Claims Court date, the lawyer for the landlord’s insurance company called me. To ask questions. I pointed out that in Small Claims Court he’s not entitled to discovery (the asking of questions) but anyway explained why he was going to lose. He pretty much understood that I knew what I was talking about. And I found out that his office was an hour commute from the courthouse. So I suggested that he simply send me a check for $1050 rather than bill an equivalent amount to his client and still lose. He said he couldn’t do that.

When I asked if it was because he had to show up in court in case I didn’t, he pretty much said yes. I asked him the address of the courthouse. He said 34 Fifth Avenue. I asked him to read me my address. He said 17 Fifth Avenue. I said “Do you really expect me NOT to cross the street for a thousand dollars?”

He showed up in court. I met him outside, said “Hey, I crossed the street, do you want to give me $1050?” He said no. We went into court, where the judge asked if we could go outside and try to settle. So we tried.

He asked what I wanted. I said every darn penny I lost due to his client’s client’s contractor’s negligence. We quibbled over the value of one picture frame, and settled on $1025. He pulled out a standard contract that said something like “Plaintiff waives all claims from the beginning of time until (fill in today’s date).”

I said that sounded rather drastic– could we say July 4, 1776? Because I might have some rights under the Magna Carta that I’m not yet prepared to waive.”

He crossed out “From the beginning of time” and wrote in “July 4, 1776.”

So if the Magna Carta has no Statute of Limitations…

She No Longer Loves Bad Boys

Posted on 06/30/2005

Last Thursday was my girlfriend’s birthday, and she had a party. I was walking to her apartment carrying four dozen roses. In the water bottle pockets of my backpack I had two bottles of Champagne sticking out very noticeably.

As I passed by Columbus Circle I saw a woman wearing an “I Love Bad Boys” t-shirt. She looked at the roses, then at the Champagne, then at me. Then back at the roses, and the Champagne.

Bad boys just don’t know how to treat women” I said to her.

“It’s your anniversary.” She said to me.

“Nope.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s Thursday” I told her. “Happy Thursday.”

Kiss Your House Goodbye

Posted on 06/23/2005

Eminent domain is the Constitutionally-allowed power of state and local governments to seize private property for a public purpose, as long as they pay for it. Mostly it’s been used for a public good– they tear down some houses to put up a school or firehouse, or they take a piece of farmland to put in a highway or some railroad tracks. This has been done for hundreds of years and without the power of eminent domain we’d probably not have very many roads or firehouses.

The Supreme Court just ruled that the power of Eminent Domain allows state and local governments to seize private property and give or sell it to other private enterprises merely because the newer enterprise promises to add value to the property. In other words, they can tear down a slum and put up fancy housing because that will lead to economic development and higher tax revenue. Oh, they have to pay the people who own the slum properties, but they pay the market value for a slum, not what the land is going to be worth once the slum is replaced by fancy housing.

Of course with the slum gone the price of the least expensive housing goes up, and the poor people who have been forced out of their homes are screwed. Well, you should’ve lived in a communist country, you poor suckers, because here in America you live where you can afford to live, and if that means the street, well, you should be thankful it’s not a busy street.

The Supreme Court vote was 5-4, and I find myself agreeing with the conservative minority that there ought to be stricter limits to eminent domain. Otherwise, the state can seize a K-Mart and sell the land to Target, because Target promises higher tax revenues. That is, until Wal-Mart comes along. Where does it end? Ask Bill Gates, or Exxon, or maybe China.

I’d complain more, but I don’t have the time– I have to get in touch with my town to force my neighbor out of his house– I’m sure that my assessed value would go up, and thus tax revenues to the town, if I got rid of my neighbor and put up a huge house with a lovely indoor swimming pool. I’m thinking a movie theatre and bowling alley, too. Or those mini racing cars.

My neighbor’s in his sixties, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind moving in with his daughter. I’d let him come back and use the pool, but if word got out about the pool then somebody richer might come along and force me out of my house.

think I would get to keep my gun. Thank God for the Second Amendment. You can have my house when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

We stink. We STINK. WE REALLY STINK!

Posted on 06/13/2005

I’m a first-generation American. I vote and pay my taxes proudly and I think this is the greatest country in the world. But still we stink.

Let me explain. A few nights ago I was watching Fear Factor. One of the bug-eating episodes, not one of the bugs-crawling-all-over-you episodes.

Yes, we are entertained by watching people eat disgusting creatures in search of a $50,000 prize.

There are five billion people on our planet, and a lot of them go hungry. Some of them will die of starvation. But here in America we are paying people to eat stuff they don’t want to eat, just so others can be entertained.

Maybe we should pay them $40,000 and spend the other $10,000 on helping people grow more food. Or perhaps for every hour of Fear Factor people watch, they should be required to spend five minutes watching people go hungry. And don’t even get me started on all the mass murder going on in Darfur that we’re not doing anything about. It may not be on the same scale as the Holocaust, but this time we know all about it and we have the military means to stop it. And by stopping it, perhaps discouraging future mass murderers. Instead we’re sending the message that we’ll let them get away with it. Oh, unless they really piss us off. Our country’s leaders claim to be men of God. They sure aren’t men of men.

Now that I’ve brought down the room, go see a comedy show and get cheery again. Or at least scroll down and read some of my funny blogs. But I had to speak my mind. With my job comes some responsibility to speak out.

Oh, you think I owe you some jokes? Okay.

Some sad news. The founder of Wine Spectator magazine has passed away. Or, as the magazine is reporting it… “His Bordeaux is continuing to age, but he isn’t.”

Scientists are saying that the surface of the earth has been getting brighter, but they’re not sure why. I can tell you one thing: it’s not the people.

For more comedy, please visit the Expired Comedy section of this website.

I’m having a great day

Posted on 06/01/2005

We found out who Deep Throat was, and all day I’ve been glued to CNN, watching Nixon resign, over and over and over and over….

I Think I Lost This Round

Posted on 05/30/2005

Every few weeks my neighbors have a garage sale. To try to sell the same useless crap that nobody bought at the previous garage sales. Nobody buys anything. But still every sale fills up our quiet street with cars and clogs the neighborhood as my neighbors sit hopefully in their driveway all day.

So a couple of weeks ago I went over and asked what they wanted for EVERYTHING. Not much, so I bought it all to finally put an end to this nonsense, and on bulk garbage day I put it ALL out for the garbagemen.

But my neighbors beat the garbagemen to my curb, and they took all the stuff back, and now today they’re having another garage sale.

Anybody have any ideas that don’t involve a gallon of gasoline and some matches?

Today’s Mail

Posted on 05/02/2005

In today’s mail I got an invitation for an AARP credit card. A surprise. I’m sure they’d give me one even though I’m only 43.

The bigger shock was an invitation to celebrate Anne Frank’s 75th birthday. A party which will include a live musical performance by Cyndi Lauper. The woman who made her career by hopping around on stage in bright colors, screeching and singing “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”

I quote from her song: Some boys take a beautiful girl And hide her away from the rest of the world I want to be the one to walk in the sun Oh girls they want to have fun

This is in such poor taste I’m at a loss for words.

Driving While InTalks-icated

Posted on 05/01/2005

Sooner or later… two people are going to be talking to each other on their cell phones while driving, and crash… into each other.

Confucius say: He who crosses street while talking to girlfriend on cell phone get run over by woman driving SUV while talking to her nanny on cell phone.

My waitressing fantasy

WRITTEN BY Marianne Sierk and used with permission (Shaun’s comments follow)

Originally Posted on Comedy Soapbox 04/22/2005 at 09:35 PM

“I’m working at a restaurant on Lake Ontario this summer for some cccyash for my move to LA that feels like it will never happen. Tonight it was raining and yucky out so I only had 4 tables and am home already, writing to you, faceless Blog. In any case – I had a revelation as I was starring at the lake waiting for my last table to wash down their fish fry with our finest white zinfendel (Go Rochester!) and I imagined how I’d like to die – at least for tonight. I’d take as many orders for dinner as I can – then I’d pretend to put them in the computer – but I’d really be ordering Filet Mignon’s for everyone. Right before the first load of misordered steaks comes in – I’d rip off my bow tie and scream, “Surf’s up!” I’d run off the pier that’s connected to said restaurant and jump in the choppy lake waters. I’d be found with my tux shirt still on, apron afixed to my new polysesters, $14 CASH still secure within my pockets. Maybe my wine key would be lost, but I’d be CLUTCHING my lighter. (I don’t smoke, but birthday candles don’t light themselves….) I’d just let myself drift as far out as I can – and then eventually give up whatever struggle would come naturally and let the polluted Lake Ontario water fill my asthma ridden lungs – a huge smile embedded on my face. Two hotty italian busboys would gallantly throw down their Windex bottles and buspans and scream…..”NOOOO!” and jump in to try to save me – but it’s too late! It’s always too late. I’m a strong swimmer, but no match for the great tides of a Great Lake. Someone get me out of this city. The End. (in so many ways)PS – I swear this isn’t a cry for help – just a fantasy!”

Comments are below

The Response, Posted on 04/22/2005 at 10:45 PM by Shaun Eli

Same fantasy, minus the death. You win the $205 million lottery. Order steak for everyone.

Then run away, in your Ferrari, driven by comedian and excellent driver Shaun Eli. Okay, Brad Pitt.

When the police chase you, you drop a note out the window that says “Just Kidding. Bring this to the restaurant.” And with the note are fifteen hundred dollar bills. And an address in Malibu for them to mail the speeding ticket.

You and Mr. Pitt leave the car at a local airport, where pilot Shaun Eli is waiting with a plane to fly you two lovebirds to California, after a stop in Vegas where Mr. Pitt can beg you to marry him (you politely turn him down, explaining that he’s just a toy).

You spend a night (actually it’s from 9 AM to 11:30 PM but in Vegas there is no time) in a cheap hotel under assumed names. Then you kiss him goodbye, find a waiting pair of Ducati motorcycles, with expert motorcyclist Shaun Eli waiting to escort you to your new home in Malibu, where real estate agent and skilled interior decorator* Shaun Eli is ready to show you around and help you furnish your new home.

Fabulastic chef Shaun Eli goes shopping and returns to prepare you a wonderful dinner while you relax in a bubble bath. He then leaves you with two bottles of Champagne, and a wonderful dessert, as a ragged Brad Pitt enters the house for one final goodbye fling.

*Shaun Eli is not a licensed California real estate agent and his decorating skills are subject to some debate.

At What Point Do We Not Mention Race?

Posted on 04/22/2005

I went to pick up my date at her apartment. At 119th near Lenox. For those of you not familiar with Manhattan, this is in Harlem (Lenox is also known as Malcolm X Blvd and as I’m sure you can imagine, there’s no big push to name streets in white neighborhoods after Malcolm X, although there ought to be a push to rename all the Jefferson Davis streets and schools after Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. or Rosa Parks or at least Chuck Berry).

My date didn’t answer the buzzer, and she wasn’t answering her phone. But she never answers her phone and her buzzer doesn’t work that well. Someone came out of her building, and I asked him if he knew if Evie were home.

Her building is a five story brownstone with only two apartments per floor.

He said he didn’t know who she was.

I said “She looks around thirty, she has long, dark, wavy hair, she’s thin and pretty, she’s a schoolteacher, moved in around five months ago.”

He had no idea who she was.

“She rides a bicycle a lot.”

“Oh, you mean the white girl! Why didn’t you say so? No, I don’t think she’s home.”

Okay, why DIDN’T I say so?

Think about this

Posted on 04/21/2005

A new study reported that most traffic lights in the U.S. have not had their timing changed in over a decade. That’s right, before those shopping malls were built, and back when that housing complex was still farmland. Back when fewer cars travelled, and came from and went to different parts of your town.

The reason for the lack of change? State and local traffic engineers don’t have the resources to study traffic patterns and re-time the lights. They say for only FOUR DOLLARS PER CAR they could re-time most of the traffic lights in America, saving us millions of hours in travelling time, millions of gallons of gasoline, and wear and tear on our cars (including the tires and brake linings that wear down every time we have to slow down to stop at another red light). And of course cut down on pollution, that thing we used to care about back before the oil companies took their first four year lease on America with an option to renew.

So the next time you’re stuck in traffic, listening to some politician on the radio bragging about how he’s going to lower your taxes, think about what more he intends to cut from the budget. The money has to come from somewhere. It’s already come from your time, your gas, your brakes, your tires, your lungs…

Comedy: A non-polluting, self-renewing national resource sm

There is no “I” in “Team”

Posted on 04/14/2005

But… HALF of T E A M is M E.

Google this! (warning: if you are easily offended please scroll down past this entry)

Somebody told me that no matter what phrases you Google, you will get some number of hits. I wasn’t sure. So…

I took the most random and unrelated of phrases and here’s what I found:

“Kansas City” + penis + buddha + “Home Depot” gave 651 hits.

arthritis + shoes + cunnilingus + oregon gave 146 hits.

But substitute fellatio for cunnilingus and you more than double the number of hits. Change it to fetus or calculus and it goes up further still. Algebra does even better, more than 2000 hits.

eraser + logical + river + telephone + cashew gives 83 hits.

welder + nostril + basketball + labor gives 77 hits.

Note that I was totally sober when I tried this experiment.

So you can imagine how my mind works after a few drinks.

My stand-up comedy is clean. Apparently my blogs are not always.

Mister can you buy me beer?

Posted on 04/11/2005

When I was seventeen I worked in a supermarket. I had a beard and looked older. Once when I was leaving, two sixteen year olds stopped me and asked if I could buy them some beer (the drinking age in NY at the time was eighteen). I told them I couldn’t, because I wasn’t old enough. They didn’t believe me. Of course I probably could have bought beer anywhere EXCEPT that store, since they knew how old I was.

Last night I was sitting at the bar at a comedy show, next to an eighteen year old. She asked me to buy her a beer. I told her I’d be glad to, in about three years. The bartender knows me, and obviously knew that this woman was too young to buy alcohol, so had I bought a beer and given it to her, we both would have been thrown out. Not that I would have anyway.

I couldn’t buy her a beer in any state; that’s illegal. But I’m pretty sure it’d be okay if I bought her a gun.

And if a woman with a gun asks me to buy her a beer, well, I don’t think I’d say no.

And probably the reason that having a beer is such a big deal for her is simply that it’s forbidden. In many European countries kids are given small amounts of alcohol to taste as they grow up. It’s not something forbidden to lust for. And they don’t have the same problem with drunken teenagers and young adults as we do. Certainly they don’t have as many people trying 21 shots on their 21st birthday and dying from their first exposure to alcohol.

Raising the drinking age is credited with cutting down on drunken driving, but in fact all the exposure to the issue, and stricter law enforcement, is probably responsible for much of that.

Perhaps we should lower the drinking age to sixteen, but give kids a choice– a license to drink OR a license to drive. That way every group of friends would have a designated driver, and they could switch off every few months.

Trapped in an Elevator

Posted on 04/07/2005

This week the NYPD undertook a massive search for a missing Chinese restaurant deliveryman. When his bicycle was found chained up outside an apartment building, they searched the building and found that he had been trapped in an elevator… for three days. An elevator with an emergency call button AND A CAMERA.

In the meantime the police arrested a man because he had a blood-colored stain on his shirt. It turned out to be exactly what he claimed it was: barbecue sauce from a dinner he’d eaten three days earlier.

Anybody who lives in an apartment building and doesn’t change his food-stained shirt for three days probably deserves a little jail time.

Don’t you agree?

Mitch Hedberg

Posted on 03/31/2005

Mitch headlined one of the first shows I ever did, at Stand-Up New York. I’d seen many of his TV appearances but had never before seen him live.

They announced that he was trying out material for his appearance the next night on “Late Show with David Letterman.” He read much of his material from his notes, and if anybody tells you that you can’t be that funny working from notes, they are W R O N G.

Mitch Rocked.

Then he did most of that material on TV the next night.

Until at one point they cut to a shot of his shoes while he was in the middle of a joke. This caught his attention, he made some off-hand comment about the irrelevance of showing his feet, he lost his rhythm and what I thought was his strongest joke, didn’t work well.

Mitch taught me a lot from this experience.

I learned that you can be really funny trying new material from a notebook, if you’re really, really funny. And I learned never to look at the monitor when you’re on television.

I hope some day I can benefit from both these things.

The world lost a great comedian this week. Someone who was different, who didn’t see the world sideways so much as inside-out. Someone who could make us laugh not only from a surprise or an unusual observation, but simply from a brilliant manipulation of the English language.

Three comedian websites I monitor (SheckyMagazine.com, ComedySoapbox.com and The Standups Asylum group on MSN) have had more comments on Mitch Hedberg this week than on just about any other topic, ever.

Mitch, you are already missed.

A Dubious Honor

I have been named one of Westchester’s Most Eligible Bachelors.

More interestingly, if you type NYC Arabian Comedian into Google, my website (www.BrainChampagne.com) comes up first.

I’m not Arabian.

Not even close.

Sell your Google stock.

Business School Admissions and Business Ethics

The New York Times reported on Monday that some business school applicants were able to hack an admissions website to find out whether they’d been admitted, prior to the release of the information.

Harvard, MIT and Carnegie Mellon found out who the students were and denied them admission on the basis of the students’ lack of ethics (Harvard said the students were free to re-apply next year, but I’d bet they won’t get in then either).

As one of the first business school students to take a business ethics class (this was in the early eighties), I applaud the universities’ decisions.

Some students have protested, claiming that hacking into a website to find out early what they would eventually have found out anyway is no big deal, likening it to taking a pencil home from the office.

I’d say it’s more like stealing a pencil during a job interview. Would you hire someone who did that?

If the students believe that what they did was not wrong, they should be amenable to having the schools publish their names, so we can decide for ourselves whether we ever want to hire these people.

Tourists from another planet

Posted on 03/16/2005

Those of us who live in NY are used to seeing all sorts of strange behavior.

Sometimes we can figure it out. Sometimes we can’t.

Last week I saw tourists, who spoke with American accents, taking a photograph of a Starbucks. Where could these people be from that they’ve never seen one before?

I’d bet that there were probably four or five Starbucks coffee shops inside the plane they flew on to get to NYC.

Unless they flew to NYC in a time machine from the 1950s. Or, with any luck, from not too far in the future.

A Typical NYC Conversation.. .

Posted on 03/15/2005

Street Vendor: Three for ten dollars. They’re ten dollars EACH in a store.

Tourist: How do I know they’re not stolen?

Street Vendor: Of COURSE they’re stolen.

Score One More for Feminism

Posted on 03/12/2005

Say what you want about Prince Charles’ fiancee, but after they’re married I expect that very few little girls will be saying that they want to be princesses when they grow up!

Comedians in the Talmud

“Rav Beroka of Bei Hozae was often in the market of Bei Lapat. There he would meet Elijah. Once he said to Elijah: ‘Is there anyone in this market who has earned eternal life?’ Elijah said to him: ‘No.’ They were standing there when two men came along. Elijah said to him: ‘These men have earned eternal life.’ Rav Beroka went to them and said: ‘What do you do?’ They replied: ‘We are jesters, and make the sad to laugh.'”

– – – The Talmud (a collection of ancient writings on Jewish law)

Hospital Suggestion

I was visiting my friend Sara who teaches and does research at a medical school– I met her outside the hospital entrance, where a large number of patients, many with IVs attached, were smoking.

If the hospitals are going to let the patients go outside and smoke, wouldn’t it be much more convenient, and HEALTHIER, if they just put nicotine into their IV solutions?

Jewish Geography

Someone accused me of anti-Semitism because I used the phrase “Jewish Geography” to refer to asking if someone knew someone else because he was from the same town.

So I quote you from Genesis 29:4–

“And Jacob said unto them: ‘My brethren, whence are ye?’ And they said: ‘Of Haran are we.’ And he said unto them: ‘Know ye Laban the son of Nahor?’ And they said: ‘We know him.’ “

Final Score: Commandments 10, Justices 9

Posted on 03/09/2005

The Supreme Court is hearing a case about whether it’s legal for governments to post the Ten Commandments.

All nine Supreme Court justices are either Christian or Jewish. Two religions which believe in the Ten Commandments as a central tenet.

Therefore I believe that all nine justices ought to recuse themselves from this case.

Censorship vs. Simple Bad Taste

Posted on 03/08/2005

According to today’s New York Times, a recent issue of the New York Press (a free weekly newspaper) had a front-page satirical article on the “Upcoming Death of the Pope.” After a public outcry over the article, the editor resigned.

I find the subject to be in bad taste (although I didn’t read the article and admit that the content might be funny, despite the subject matter).

But– also according the the New York Times, Representative (and mayoral candidate) Anthony D. Weiner said that “Everyone has a right to free speech, but I hope New Yorkers exercise their right to take as many of these rags as they can and put them in the trash.”

Actually there is NO such right. That is censorship. I haven’t looked at the inside cover of the NY Press lately but I hope they are smart enough to say that ONE copy per customer is free, which would make taking more than one paper and discarding it stealing. That is NOT one’s right.

I find the subject of the NY Press article in bad taste. I find Mr. Weiner’s comment beyond bad taste; it’s offensive and a violation of the our right to create and read articles written in bad taste.

Given a choice between the two, I would take the NY Press over Mr. Weiner.

Posted on 03/05/2005

Medical researchers at Harvard University have announced plans to start testing the psychedelic drug Ecstasy on humans.

And you thought it was hard to get into Harvard before!

Actually the study is to see if the drug could help relieve the suffering of terminally-ill cancer patients. White House officials are against the study because they say it could legitimize a dangerous drug. It could lead to the use of other dangerous drugs, such as alcohol, morphine and maybe even that very popular drug that CAUSES cancer, tobacco.

And the president’s biggest fear, the one that has led him to cut funding for medical and scientific research? That someone might eventually develop truth serum.

Posted on 03/03/2005

Mayor Bloomberg said that New York City’s economy received a $254 million boost from tourists coming to see The Gates, which, for those of you who haven’t seen this, is pretty much a bunch of orange curtains hanging from scaffolding in Central Park.

1.5 million visitors, including 300,000 from other countries, came to NYC specifically to see The Gates. Hotel occupancy was up more than 10% and some restaurants near the park reported double their normal business.

Top Broadway shows? The World Series? Wall Street? The center of fashion? The headquarters of the United Nations? Great restaurants? Top comedy clubs? The country’s greatest museums? Hit television shows? Symphony orchestras? Greenwich Village rock music clubs? Foreign art films you may not be able to see anywhere else? The Bronx Zoo? Nope, people come to see curtains. I guess that’s what we should expect in a country where NYC is the third most popular tourist destination, after…

Orlando and Las Vegas.

But we ARE glad you came. New York is the world’s most international city, and it wouldn’t be, without you. Please come back, with or without something specific to see. Just please walk faster or stay to the right on the sidewalks. We live here, we’re usually in a hurry, and sometimes we’re in a hurry to do something to make the city a nicer place for you to visit.

I said sometimes.

Changing the Presidents

Posted on 02/22/2005

A congressman wants to take President Ulysses S. Grant off the fifty dollar bill and replace his portrait with that of President Reagan. General Grant, who won the Civil War, saved the Union and gave birth to the question “Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?” The answer to which, by the way, is “General AND MRS. Grant,” for all of you who got it wrong.

I have a better idea– leave Grant on the fifty, but reissue the thirty year Treasury bond and put Reagan’s picture on that. After all, nobody ever did more to run up government debt than Reagan (not yet, anyway, Bush still has four more years).

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight

Posted on 02/17/2005

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight. As part of our acting class. She kissed me passionately… then slapped me across the face.

Posted on 02/14/2005

Paris Hilton says she trademarked the phrase “That’s hot.” As if she’s the first one ever to say it. As if she had any legal chance of actually enforcing her rights if someone else used it in an advertisement.

So here’s the phrase I am trademarking: “Paris Hilton is the best example of why the inheritance tax rate ought to be 100% ™”

What goes around, comes around

Posted on 02/10/2005

Back in college, one of my classmates showed up one day in a bright yellow track suit. Really bright yellow.

She looked like a giant banana.

I wanted to tell her. But I didn’t.

I might have been the only one who remained silent.

I think hearing this so much made an impression on her. I saw her six days a week for a whole year but never again saw the yellow track suit. Not once. I doubt she was happy about it.

Cut to: Several years later. I meet a woman who completely wins me over. Charming. Smart. Beautiful. Funny. Willing to go out with me. A woman possessing all five of those important qualities is rare.

On our first date I told her where I went to college and she told me the name of her new best friend, who also went there.

The giant banana. Of course.

I knew that the moment she got home she’d call the giant banana and ask about me. And I knew that what she wouldn’t be told was that I was a giant jerk for calling her a giant banana. Because I didn’t. What didn’t go around couldn’t come around.

Cut to: Several weeks later. Thought that the five-qualities woman might be my soul-mate. She didn’t see it that way, and was not in the right place in her life for me. We parted ways.

Cut to: Now. She’s semi-famous. Married. Still lovely, and still very funny. I’m really happy for her success. She earned and deserves it.

Flashback: A few weeks ago. A bunch of comedians are in line to sign up for an audition. It’s cold and many of us have been waiting for a couple of hours to get our audition date, which is supposed to be randomly chosen when we get to the front of the line.

One comedian arrives late, starts talking to his friends in front of us when the line starts to move.

I ask him, politely, to go to the back of the line. He refuses, says it doesn’t matter because the dates are randomly chosen. Though we didn’t think they’d run out of audition spots, anything’s possible, and I explain that our feet are cold and we all want to get inside a few seconds earlier.

He doesn’t move. Until I turn to my friend and say “This isn’t very smart of him. A bunch of us are not only comedians but we also book shows, and we remember stuff like this.”

At which point he walks toward the back of the line.

Cut to: A minute or two later. We get to the front. They changed their policy. For this time only, they are assigning dates in chronological order. So it did matter where in line one stood.

And we will remember him.

My toughest show ever

Posted on 02/06/2005

I really like to open a show. It’s a challenge, taking a cold audience and getting them laughing. My style of comedy stands up to the challenge, I think, because I believe in lots of punchlines (in other words, quantity perhaps over quality), starting right from when I take the stage. No long set-ups, just grab the mike and start hitting hard. Plus, sometimes this has the advantage of avoiding the problem of following someone who just isn’t that good, or someone who abuses the audience and loses them (doesn’t happen often, but it happens).

Tonight I performed my third set at the Tribeca Arts Festival. I was the only stand-up comic (second time that’s happened there). I followed some musicians and poets.

There were around fifteen people in the audience (this was Super Bowl Sunday). Some of them had heard my stuff the first two times I appeared there. While I did vary my sets the first two times, the opening this time had nothing new, although the order was moved around some.

Nothing. For the first minute, barely a chuckle. After three or four minutes of material that usually does really well (and did so the prior two weeks), I got some laughter. But not much. I switched to crowd work (asking the audience questions, coming up with humorous responses) to get the audience on my side. They’d been paying attention, just not laughing.

The crowd work helped a little, then I did some more material and some real laughs finally ensued. Eventually. But it was a hard slog. I didn’t lose them. They were listening, but I could have been giving a lesson on how to gut fish to the seafood department for all the love I felt.

After I left the stage I figured it out. The person who preceded me was a poet. When I saw her two weeks ago, she had told a long story about a young girl forced into an arranged marriage who was repeatedly raped and tortured by her husband, and the horrible life she led.

I think this is the summit of A Tough Act To Follow.

Epilogue to My Toughest Show Ever, or Thank You, Kind Stranger

Posted on 2/7/05

Last night I posted a blog about the tough show I had just come from, when I was the only comedian and I went on immediately following a poet who speaks about the rape, torture and abuse of a young girl. It took a long time for the audience to warm up to comedy, and it was a difficult few minutes on stage getting to that point (and I use the term ‘stage’ loosely since there was no stage and no microphone).

This afternoon I was shopping and a guy leaving the store said hello to me. I said hi in that non-committal way that means Okay, hi to you, but I have no idea who you are and probably you have mistaken me for someone else.

He said “You were very funny in the show last night.” So he was talking to me. A major coincidence with so few people at the show on Super Bowl Sunday, in a metropolitan area with fifteen million people.

I said thanks, and mentioned that I didn’t get a lot of laughs. He confirmed that the person right before me told a gruesome story and brought down the whole audience and it took them a long time to get over what she said. I had the unfortunate luck of immediately following her. I suppose this means she is a very talented story-teller, which of course did me no good.

Kind stranger, your attendance at my next show is on me– if by a second coincidence you’ve come across this blog, email me and I’ll see that you get comped at my next show. And if somebody else thinks he can trick me into giving away free tickets, you’ll have to tell me the name of the store, what I was buying, and don’t forget that I know what the guy looks like– I just saw him in the shoe department of Bloomingda,, ha, you didn’t think I was really going to tell you where, did you?

Thanks again, kind stranger.

Two sides to every story

Posted on 01/21/2005

A bunch of us were friends with Phil Vosh in college. Phil and I were teammates for four years and housemates for two. Many other friends of ours also lived in the house.

A couple of years ago I received a letter. The return address was Celeste Vosh in the same city where Phil lived.

Before opening the envelope I assumed it was a wedding announcement. As far as I knew, Phil had no siblings. His parents don’t live in the same city and his mother’s name is not Celeste.

It turns out it was an invitation to a surprise party.

I called. Celeste is Phil’s sister. One of two. When I discussed not knowing that Phil had sisters with the rest of the crowd, only Buzz, Phil’s best friend, knew about them. The rest of us had no idea.

e all found it bizarre that Phil had never mentioned anything to us about his sisters. We all knew about everyone else’s siblings. We questioned Phil’s sanity.

Then I figured something out. The other side of the story. The reason we never knew that Phil had two sisters? Because we never asked. It wasn’t Phil. It was us.

By the way, if you’re thinking about having a surprise party for a Marine Reserves Lieutenant Colonel who works for the State Department, speaks three languages fluently and has two Ivy League degrees, don’t expect to really surprise him.

Great New Way to Lose Weight

Posted on 01/15/2005

It seems to me that the less one eats, the faster one loses weight. So here’s the diet I’m trying– NOTHING. For the past six days I’ve eaten nothing and had nothing to drink. And so far the only thing unusual is that my house is suffering from an infestation of midget giraffes riding flying motorcycles.

And there’s something wrong with my computer– the keys on the keyboard are really hard to push down. It’s getting really hard to type anyth

kg klglukrlkn

qiwu sgfr,sf,dasfr;l,/. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Why I can’t date date vegetarians

Posted on 1/14/05

I respect the ethics of vegetarians who say that it’s immoral to use eleven pounds of edible grain to create one pound of edible meat when people are starving all over the world, even though meat-eating is not the cause of starvation and an entire world gone vegetarian would not cure starvation. The reason people go hungry is not a worldwide food shortage, it’s a worldwide compassion shortage. We could feed the whole world for less than we spend on coffee, but we’d rather have the coffee. Why? Because we’re selfish. People die but unless we see them, we fail to act. Millions of people starve each year, way more than die from tsunamis. But flood destruction makes for better video so for that we write the checks.

But back to the vegetarians. Here’s why I have trouble dating them.

First date she tells me that she just doesn’t like the taste of meat, but isn’t uncomfortable when other people eat it. So I order a steak and get dirty looks through the whole meal.

Second date. Before I even glance at the menu she says “They have two pasta dishes I like—why don’t we each get one and we can share.” Saves the dirty looks but I have to eat fusilli with string beans, asparagus and chick peas in a pink mouchure sauce.

Third date she suggests the restaurant. It’s vegan and the word “tofu” appears on the menu eighty seven times. I like tofu, given something nice to flavor it. By itself it tastes like styrofoam. But they can’t serve styrofoam since it’s environmentally unsound, so they serve plain tofu, in eighty seven different shapes. I ask for a diet coke and all six waitresses, pale and unhealthy-looking, give me dirty looks like I ordered a broiled baby in kitten sauce with a side order of smallpox.

Before the fourth date even rolls around I’m on PETA’s mailing list and my barbecue grill is missing. And that’s the last straw.

P.S. The word “vegan” is not in MS Word’s spell-check.

My name got popular

Posted on 01/12/2005

While Shaun (or Sean or Shawn) is a popular name in Ireland, even among Irish-Americans it hasn’t been a common name in the U.S. (they prefer Patrick, Kevin and Timothy, for some reason, and not Shaun).

Growing up, until age 25 I probably had met only three or four Shauns in my life. Sean Connery was James Bond, and that was pretty good. But then there also was Shaun Cassidy, and he’s no James Bond.

round fifteen years ago I started to notice other Shauns. I’d be in a store and I’d hear “Shaun! Put that down!” in a very stern voice. I’d turn around and see an angry mother yelling at her five year old son. It was a weird experience, since before then I’d almost never heard my name apply to anybody but me.

Growing up I knew people with names like Phyllis and Harvey, and they didn’t like their names because these were old-people names, names that had been popular sixty or seventy years earlier, so most people with those names were senior citizens. Like all our Jennifers will be in forty years.

But now all those Shauns are grown up, and it seems to be a pretty cool name. The only drawback is that I read about a lot of Shauns getting arrested (Sean Combs and the over-the-Carnegie-Deli shooting a few years ago come to mind; there have been tons of others).

But all in all, other Shauns, welcome to the club. It’s a fun club, even if we can’t all agree on the spelling.

While trolling through my computer I found this piece I had written years ago

Posted 1/5/05

ENRON CORPORATION BALANCE SHEET

Post Chapter 11 Bankruptcy Filing

(prepared in accordance with Grossly Arbitrary Accounting Principles) (amounts in $ millions)

For entertainment use only.  No shareholders were harmed in the making of this parody.

Clean out your closets, re-live your childhood

Posted on 11/28/2004

I’ve been fortunate that even when I lived in a small apartment in NYC I had enough closet space (or perhaps not nearly enough clothing). So I’ve saved a lot of stuff.

On Thanksgiving I decided to clean out some of the boxes of papers. Wow! Certainly I don’t need gas credit card bills from fifteen years ago. That gets recycled. I found copies of my high school comedy newspaper (it was actually the Computer Club newsletter but writing jokes was much more fun than writing about computers). I wonder if there’s any material in there that’s actually usable on stage! I’ll have to have a look. Some of the stuff I tell is material I wrote fifteen years ago and it does well, although some stuff I wrote when I was younger is hack and I don’t use it (of course– the definition of hack is stuff that so many people think of that nobody should be telling it because it’s too obvious).

I found a letter from a girl I liked in college taking a whole page to thank me for UPSing her one of my cheesecakes. She loved the food, didn’t love me. Last I heard she’s been divorced around eleven times.

I found stacks of letters from two girls I had corresponded with in high school. I really don’t want their letters, but I’d like to see the letters that I’d written them. At the time I thought I was a pretty funny writer. I guess I should ask them if they want their letters. One is someone I still keep in touch with from time to time. She lives in upstate NY with a nice husband and a house full of kids. The other one has a unique enough name that I’m sure I can Google her and find her. She’s probably some famous mathematician or something (I have always been attracted to smart women).

I found a NYC subway map from the 1970s. One of the barely comprehensible ones with the thick parallel lines that came about after the totally incomprehensible ones with overlapping lines. I’d always wanted one for decoration. Unfortunately this one is ripped along the folds. Anybody remember the QB train? When was the last time you heard someone refer to the BMT? I’m getting old.

What I’m Thankful For

Posted on 11/26/2004

I’m thankful that I have a healthy and loving family. I’m thankful that I live in a great country in which two different stores are selling DVD players for $18 this weekend! I’m thankful that I’m happy about this even though I already have a DVD player and am not looking for another one.

I’m thankful that people laugh when I stand in front of the bright lights and tell jokes.

I’m thankful that my website host allows me to see which ISPs are used by people who visit the site (no, I can’t see any information on the individuals, just a list of ISPs). I’m thankful that I apparently have some fans in the Netherlands, Belgium, Denmark, Germany, Brazil and the United Arab Emirates even though I’ve never been to any of those countries.

I’m thankful that earlier this year I won a semi-bogus award for economic forecasting, and am thankful that some people took it seriously enough for it to be picked up by the national press. And I’m even more thankful that John Dorfman, the fund manager and journalist who ran the contest, was nice enough to allow me to put a plug in for my comedy career when he wrote the press release.

I’m thankful that most of the other comedians I’ve met and worked with have been helpful, friendly and kind.

Using hands-free cellular phones while driving

Posted on 11/25/2004

A family member sent me an article on a study of hands-free cellular phone use by drivers (the study said that it’s dangerous whether or not you hold the phone). Here was my response:

I do not use a cell phone when I drive, and keep in mind that I’m an instrument-rated pilot who has specific training in just such multi-tasking: communicating detailed concepts while navigating and maintaining safe operation of complicated electronic and mechanical equipment. And yes, I, with all this training, knowledge and experience, do not use a cell phone when I drive. That should tell you something.

On Tuesday a client called me while he was driving. I suggested he call me back when he was parked. He said he was using a hands-free earpiece. I replied that this was just one more thing to break when he crashed.

To those of you who say that it’s just like having a conversation with a passenger, well, it’s NOT. When you’re with a passenger in the car and something unexpected happens- a sudden lane-change, the guy in front of you slamming on his brakes, a ball rolling into the road, or whatever– the conversation naturally stops. But if you’re on the phone and you stop talking because something unexpected occurs, the OPPOSITE happens. Your pause causes the person on the other end to START talking, to fill in the silence. Sometimes followed by your crash. Your brain can process only so much information at the same time.

Yes, I have an opinion on this matter.

Free food has more Calories

Posted on 11/24/2004

Because you eat twice as much of it.

I’m with stupid

Posted on 11/23/2004

If your friend is wearing an “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt, and you’re standing next to him on the side to which the arrow is pointing, you ARE stupid.

Posted on 11/21/2004

Putting a ribbon on your car does not make one a patriot.

If you want to be patriotic, give blood, sign your organ donor card and pay your taxes without complaining.

ABC apologized

Posted on 11/19/2004

ABC issued an apology for showing a woman’s bare back (this means above the waist, not her backside) in a commercial run during a football game.

An ABC spokesman said that it was a wardrobe malfunction– the woman’s burkha accidentally opened.

In the future they will ensure not to show any part of a woman, except her eyes.

Friendly vs. Nice

Posted on 11/17/2004

There is a difference between being friendly and being nice. A parable should exemplify.

A man was walking along a riverbank on his way to an important meeting when he saw a child drowning in the river. He asked the child what happened. The child said that he wanted to go swimming but the only nearby pool was not open. He explained that he got caught in a strong current and couldn’t swim well enough. The man spoke with the child, complimented him on his choice in clothing and said he would inform the child’s parents where he was. The friendly man then rushed to his appointment.

Shortly thereafter another man was walking along the riverbank and spotted the drowning child. The boy explained that though his parents told him not to go swimming in the river, he disobeyed them. The man rescued the child, then scolded him for disobeying his parents and for risking not only his life but also the life of the man who rescued him. He then suggested that the child take a swimming class. He told the child that the class would make swimming more enjoyable and would teach him not only how to swim better, but also to learn his limits so he will know when and where to swim, and when and where not to swim.

The first man was friendly. The second man was nice.

People are either friendly or nice. Some are neither. A few are both, but a third of those end up in a tower with a rifle, and when they are caught their neighbors are surprised, and tell TV reporters “He was so friendly and nice I never thought he’d end up shooting people.”

So now you know.

– – – S H A U N   E L I,

Nice, not necessarily friendly, and a former Water Safety Instructor

(By the way, if you see someone drowning, your LAST choice should be to jump in. First look for something to throw, like a rope or something that floats. And if you jump in fully-dressed, you will likely drown.)

Tips on water safety from the American Red Cross:  http://www.redcross.org/services/hss/tips/healthtips/safetywater.html

TV gone bad

Posted on 11/15/2004

I recognize that television programs are for entertainment, not information. But last night’s “Crossing Jordan” went so far past the line of ridiculous that I have to comment.

In the show, they know in advance a commuter plane is about to crash because the pilots stopped responding to radio calls and an Air Force plane flew past, looked inside and saw everyone passed out.

Okay so far.

But they are able to predict within a mile or two where the plane will crash (and they go there and watch the plane crash– not exactly the safest thing to do). This is nuts. While they may know exactly how much fuel is in the plane, they can not be sure exactly how much wind they encountered along the way, exact rates of climb, fuel burn, etc. Figuring out how the auto-pilot was set would allow them to guess along what line the plane would crash, but not where on that line.

And then, when the plane does crash, it blows up. Not exactly consistent with running out of fuel before descending and crashing.

The medical examiners are trying to identify burned bodies. So when they find cell phones among the bodies (turned on, by the way), what do they do? Use them to identify the bodies? No, they pile them on a table!

Oh, the representative from the National Transportation Safety Board doesn’t know the difference between a Cockpit Voice Recorder (which records sounds) and the Black Box (which records flight data). But of course he can arrive at the crash site in minutes. Wonder what plane he flies!

I can accept some straying from reality on a TV show, but there have to be limits.

Italian Food

Posted on 11/09/2004

A friend and I went out for Italian food this past Saturday.

It’s been our observation and experience that if the restaurant has a lot of old people eating there, we don’t end up liking the food. We refer to it as “Old people’s Italian food.”

But we’re getting older. We were wondering– when we’re old, will we be eating the same food we prefer now, and the younger people will refer to THAT as old people’s Italian food (and eat the kind of food we don’t like)? Or will our tastes change, so that old people’s Italian food will always be old people’s Italian food?

Posted on 10/29/2004

While they’re not disclosing the cause of his illness, one theory is gallstones.

Ironic, isn’t it? If the leader of the Palestinians is brought down by tiny little rocks…

The last debate

Posted on 10/14/2004

I finally figured out what the look on the president’s face reminded me of…

The smug look of a kid who knows that no matter how badly he plays, he is certain he’ll get picked for the team because his father is the principal.

Bush’s Bulge in the First Debate

Posted on 10/13/2004

It was actually a tape recorder playing a loop tape reminding the president “Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft.”

Since he wasn’t wired in the second debate, he forgot, and mentioned it.

How to Write a Humorous Essay

Authored by David Sedaris

Everyone has an interesting story to tell, but the way you tell it should be interesting as well. This advice from David Sedaris will help you create your own humorous essays.

Engage with the world for inspiration

First you have to find an idea for your essay. Life can feel like a story, but only if you pay attention and tune in to the world. It’s not enough to stare at your phone all day; you have to look away from the screen and have experiences big and small, like feeding a kookaburra bird, as David Sedaris wrote about in his essay “Laugh, Kookaburra.”

Did you know? Saying no to opportunities shuts everything down, but saying yes can lead to a mini adventure. However, always focus on the experience—don’t pull out your notebook to write about it or else you’ll disrupt the beauty and authenticity of what’s happening. Just let it play out and see what happens next.

Skip the small talk and ask interesting questions

When talking with people, don’t ask the sort of question you’d ask a stranger in a hotel or store. Questions like “How’s your morning going so far?” or “Any big plans for the weekend?” don’t leave you with anywhere to go. Ask something unexpected like “Have you ever run for office?” or “How long has it been since you touched a monkey?” These will bring about conversations that dig below the surface.

Write every single day

Especially if you don’t know what to write about. Sit at your desk without the internet to distract you and see what you can come up with. So much happens when you don’t have an idea, and the only way to find out is to do the work.

Did you know? If you’re stuck, make a list of moments from your life that you find interesting. Go beyond the first three ideas—they might have already been done to death, but your eighth or tenth idea will have promise.

Keep a diary

A diary is a mine of inspiration, so write in one every single day. The entries will be short, maybe only incidents or vignettes, but you can rewrite the ones that are funny or interesting, and that second draft might have potential as a full-on story or essay.

Connect these vignettes so they tell a bigger story

Find entries that have a shared or connected theme, and expand upon that so it’s not just an account of a visit to a taxidermist’s shop but an essay about how your macabre inclinations were understood by the taxidermist, like in David Sedaris ’ essay “Understanding Owls.”

Did you know? People want to connect with your writing, and they’ll do so if you write about things they can relate to or see themselves in, even tangentially. They might not be into taxidermy, but they’ll understand what it means to have an unusual interest in something.

Give your essay’s theme some emotional weight

Essays can be simple and make people laugh and laugh, but then they’ll forget about them. Sorrow or emotion gives weight to the humor and makes it more memorable because they mean something.

Write about people you like, and honor and celebrate them

Your duty as a writer is to let the reader see the people in your life through your eyes. You don’t want to embarrass them or expose any of their secrets. Always get the approval of the people you’re writing about, and show them what you’ve written. Make any edits or removals they ask you to make.

Did you know? It’s all right to express complicated relationships. It’s challenging to write about, but these complications make your essays richer. Discussing someone’s faults makes them seem complicated but doesn’t necessarily diminish them.

Don’t overcrowd the story

The reader can only hold so many characters in their head. Don’t include everyone at a dinner party, only the members who are pertinent to the story. The same is true for themes, incidents, or vignettes.

Focus on your own horrible characteristics

You’re your own gold mine, and you contain a wealth of experiences, stories, and, most importantly, reactions. Be honest about those, especially when they make you look bad. You need to be able to laugh about yourself, and then the readers will laugh along with you.

Sacrifice some of your laughs for truth

It’s not your job to be pretty or funny all the time. Sometimes you’ll need to get rid of a funny line and admit how you honestly feel. Dig deeper, be vulnerable, and your essay might go to a completely different place.

Did you know? Talking about emotions and talking about truth are two different things. Emoting can be cheap or manipulative. Instead, dig for the moment that connects everyone. This universally human connection will feel like touching a nerve, and it’s what you should strive for in your writing.

The Art of Humor: A Guide to Writing a Hilarious Essay

Humor is a powerful tool in writing, capable of engaging readers, conveying complex ideas, and offering insightful social commentary. However, mastering the art of humor is no easy task. It requires a delicate balance of surprise, exaggeration, wordplay, and self-deprecation. This essay will explore the key elements of humor in writing, how to effectively incorporate humor into an essay, the importance of humor in writing, common pitfalls to avoid, and notable authors known for their humorous writing.

<h2 style="font-weight: bold; margin: 12px 0;">What are the key elements of humor in writing?</h2>Humor in writing is a delicate art that requires a balance of several key elements. Firstly, surprise is a crucial component of humor. Unexpected twists and turns can provoke laughter, as they catch the reader off guard. Secondly, exaggeration can be used to create comedic effect. By presenting situations or characters in an exaggerated manner, writers can highlight the absurdity of certain aspects of life, thereby inducing laughter. Thirdly, wordplay, including puns and witty remarks, can add a layer of sophistication to the humor. Lastly, self-deprecation can be used to create a bond with the reader, as it shows the writer's ability to laugh at themselves.

<h2 style="font-weight: bold; margin: 12px 0;">How can humor be effectively incorporated into an essay?</h2>Incorporating humor into an essay effectively requires a keen understanding of your audience and the context. It's important to ensure that the humor is appropriate and will be understood by the intended readers. Using humor sparingly can also enhance its impact. Overuse can dilute the effect and may even become annoying. Furthermore, humor should be used to support the main points of the essay, rather than distract from them. It's also crucial to maintain a consistent tone throughout the essay, to avoid confusing the reader.

<h2 style="font-weight: bold; margin: 12px 0;">Why is humor important in writing?</h2>Humor is important in writing for several reasons. Firstly, it can make the reading experience more enjoyable, thereby engaging the reader and encouraging them to continue reading. Secondly, humor can help to convey complex ideas in a more accessible way. By presenting serious topics in a light-hearted manner, writers can make their work more relatable and understandable. Thirdly, humor can serve as a powerful tool for social commentary, as it allows writers to critique societal norms and behaviors in a non-threatening way.

<h2 style="font-weight: bold; margin: 12px 0;">What are some common pitfalls to avoid when writing a humorous essay?</h2>When writing a humorous essay, there are several common pitfalls to avoid. One is relying too heavily on clichés or jokes that have been overused. This can make the humor feel forced and unoriginal. Another pitfall is using humor that is offensive or inappropriate. While humor often involves pushing boundaries, it's important to respect the sensitivities of your audience. Lastly, trying too hard to be funny can backfire. Humor should feel natural and effortless, rather than contrived.

<h2 style="font-weight: bold; margin: 12px 0;">Who are some notable authors known for their humorous writing?</h2>There are many notable authors known for their humorous writing. Mark Twain is often hailed as one of the greatest humorists in American literature, known for his witty satire and sharp social commentary. P.G. Wodehouse is another renowned author, famous for his light-hearted and humorous depictions of English society. More contemporary examples include David Sedaris, known for his humorous essays and memoirs, and Tina Fey, whose autobiographical book 'Bossypants' is filled with her trademark wit and humor.

In conclusion, humor is a versatile and potent tool in writing. When used effectively, it can transform an ordinary essay into an engaging and memorable piece of work. However, it requires careful consideration of the audience, context, and tone. By studying the works of successful humorists and avoiding common pitfalls, writers can enhance their own humorous writing skills and create essays that are not only informative but also entertaining.

Related Essays

Unlocking the secrets of humor: a comprehensive essay analysis.

Humor, a seemingly simple concept, has puzzled philosophers and psychologists for centuries. It's a universal language that transcends cultural boundaries, yet its essence remains elusive. What makes something funny? Why do we laugh? This exploration delves into the multifaceted nature of humor, examining its various theories, its psychological and social functions, and its powerful impact on our lives. The Many Faces of Humor: From Slapstick to Satire Humor manifests in countless forms, each tickling our funny bone in unique ways. Slapstick, with its exaggerated physical comedy, relies on our innate amusement at clumsiness and absurdity. Observational humor finds humor in the mundane, highlighting the ironies and contradictions of everyday life. Satire, often biting and thought-provoking, uses humor as a tool for social commentary, exposing hypocrisy and challenging norms. Understanding these diverse forms is crucial to unlocking the complexities of humor itself. Theories of Humor: Why We Laugh Numerous theories attempt to explain the mechanisms behind humor. The incongruity theory posits that humor arises from the unexpected, from a mismatch between our expectations and reality. The superiority theory suggests that we find amusement in the misfortunes or shortcomings of others, experiencing a sense of superiority or relief that it's not happening to us. The relief theory, championed by Sigmund Freud, proposes that humor serves as a release valve for pent-up tension, allowing us to confront taboo subjects and express otherwise unacceptable thoughts. While each theory offers valuable insights, no single explanation fully encompasses the multifaceted nature of humor. The Psychology of Humor: More Than Just a Laughing MatterHumor's impact extends far beyond mere amusement. Psychologically, humor serves as a coping mechanism, helping us navigate stress, adversity, and even trauma. A hearty laugh triggers the release of endorphins, our body's natural mood boosters, reducing pain and promoting a sense of well-being. Humor also fosters resilience, allowing us to maintain a positive outlook even in challenging circumstances. The Social Power of Humor: Connecting and PersuadingHumor is inherently social, acting as a powerful tool for building connections and strengthening relationships. Shared laughter creates a sense of camaraderie, fostering trust and intimacy. Humor can also be persuasive, disarming audiences and making messages more memorable. However, the social power of humor comes with responsibility. Humor that targets individuals or groups based on race, ethnicity, gender, or other identities can perpetuate harmful stereotypes and divisions. Humor, in all its complexity and nuance, is an integral part of the human experience. It entertains, it heals, it connects, and it challenges. By understanding the various theories, psychological underpinnings, and social implications of humor, we can better appreciate its power and navigate its complexities. From the subtle irony in a witty remark to the side-splitting absurdity of a slapstick routine, humor enriches our lives, reminding us to embrace the lighter side of life, even amidst its complexities.

From Sarcasm to Slapstick: Exploring the Different Types of Humor in Essays

Humor, in its various forms, has long been a powerful tool in the arsenal of effective essay writing. From the biting sarcasm of Jonathan Swift to the slapstick antics of Mark Twain, humor has the ability to engage readers, illuminate complex ideas, and challenge prevailing viewpoints. This essay will explore the different types of humor used in essays, including sarcasm, slapstick, and wit, and discuss how they can enhance reader engagement and contribute to the effectiveness of an essay. What are the different types of humor used in essays?Humor in essays can take various forms, each serving a unique purpose and appealing to different audiences. The most common types include sarcasm, irony, satire, slapstick, and wit. Sarcasm is a form of verbal irony often used to mock or convey contempt. Irony, on the other hand, involves expressing one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite. Satire is a genre of humor dedicated to criticizing people, corporations, governments, or societies with an aim to improve them. Slapstick humor involves exaggerated physical activity that exceeds the boundaries of normal physical comedy. Wit is a form of intelligent humor, the key element in a witty joke being its sharpness. How does sarcasm contribute to the effectiveness of an essay?Sarcasm can significantly enhance the effectiveness of an essay by adding a layer of humor that engages the reader. It can make complex or dry topics more accessible and enjoyable, thereby increasing reader engagement. Sarcasm can also be a powerful tool for critiquing or challenging ideas, as it allows the writer to highlight the absurdity or illogical nature of certain viewpoints. However, it's important to use sarcasm judiciously, as excessive or inappropriate use can alienate readers. Why is slapstick humor often used in narrative essays?Slapstick humor is often used in narrative essays because it can make stories more entertaining and engaging. This type of humor relies on physical comedy and exaggerated situations, which can help to create vivid, memorable scenes. Slapstick humor can also add an element of surprise to a narrative, as the exaggerated physical antics often involve unexpected twists and turns. However, like all forms of humor, slapstick needs to be used appropriately and in moderation to avoid detracting from the main narrative. What is the role of wit in academic essays?Wit can play a crucial role in academic essays by making them more engaging and enjoyable to read. A witty remark or observation can help to capture the reader's attention and make complex ideas more accessible. Wit can also demonstrate the writer's intelligence and depth of understanding, as it often involves making insightful connections between different ideas. However, it's important to use wit appropriately and sparingly in academic essays, as it should enhance the content rather than detract from it. How can humor enhance the reader's engagement in an essay?Humor can significantly enhance reader engagement in an essay by making the content more enjoyable and relatable. It can help to break down complex ideas and make them more accessible, thereby increasing the reader's understanding and interest. Humor can also create a more informal, conversational tone, which can make the essay feel more personal and engaging. Additionally, humor can serve as a powerful tool for critiquing or challenging ideas, as it allows the writer to highlight the absurdity or illogical nature of certain viewpoints in a way that is entertaining and thought-provoking.In conclusion, humor plays a crucial role in essay writing, serving to engage readers, simplify complex ideas, and critique prevailing viewpoints. Whether it's the biting sarcasm used to highlight the absurdity of a situation, the slapstick humor that brings a narrative to life, or the wit that illuminates unexpected connections, humor can significantly enhance the effectiveness of an essay. However, it's important to use humor judiciously and appropriately, ensuring it enhances rather than detracts from the main message of the essay.

The Power of Humor: Using Wit and Satire to Persuade in Your Essays

Humor, wit, and satire have long been recognized as powerful tools in the art of persuasion. They have the ability to engage readers, break down barriers, and present arguments in a unique and memorable way. This essay explores the role of humor in persuasive writing, the contribution of satire to persuasive essays, the importance of wit, the risks of using humor, and how to use humor effectively. What is the role of humor in persuasive writing?Humor plays a significant role in persuasive writing. It serves as a tool to engage the reader's attention, making the content more enjoyable and memorable. When used effectively, humor can break down barriers, making the audience more receptive to the writer's point of view. It can also help to illustrate points in a unique and relatable way, making complex ideas more accessible. However, it's important to use humor appropriately and in moderation. Overuse or inappropriate humor can distract from the message and potentially offend the reader. How does satire contribute to persuasive essays?Satire is a powerful tool in persuasive essays. It uses irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or humor to criticize or mock people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues. By highlighting the absurdity or hypocrisy of a situation, satire can provoke thought and encourage readers to see things from a different perspective. This can be particularly effective in persuading readers to reconsider their views or take action on an issue. Why is wit important in persuasive writing?Wit is a form of intellectual humor that uses quickness of mind and sharpness of perception to entertain. In persuasive writing, wit can be a powerful tool to engage readers and make arguments more compelling. It can help to lighten the tone, making the content more enjoyable to read. Moreover, wit can demonstrate the writer's intelligence and insight, enhancing their credibility and persuasiveness. What are the risks of using humor in persuasive essays?While humor can be an effective tool in persuasive essays, it also comes with risks. Humor is subjective, and what one person finds funny, another might not. If the humor doesn't land, it can distract from the message and potentially alienate the reader. Moreover, humor can be culturally specific, and jokes that work in one context might not translate well to another. It's also important to avoid humor that is offensive or inappropriate, as this can damage the writer's credibility and undermine their argument. How can humor be used effectively in persuasive writing?To use humor effectively in persuasive writing, it's important to understand your audience and what they are likely to find funny. The humor should be relevant to the topic and support the argument, rather than distracting from it. It's also important to use humor in moderation and to balance it with serious points to ensure the message doesn't get lost. Finally, it's crucial to be sensitive to cultural differences and avoid humor that could be seen as offensive or inappropriate.In conclusion, humor, wit, and satire can significantly enhance the effectiveness of persuasive essays. They can engage the reader, make complex ideas more accessible, and encourage readers to see things from a different perspective. However, they must be used appropriately and sensitively to avoid distracting from the message or offending the reader. By understanding the audience and using humor in a way that supports the argument, writers can use these tools to enhance their persuasiveness and make their essays more enjoyable to read.

Humor in Writing: How to Make Your Essays Engaging and Entertaining

Humor, often seen as a spice of life, can also serve as a potent ingredient in writing. It has the power to transform a mundane piece into an engaging and entertaining read. This essay delves into the role of humor in writing, exploring how it can be effectively incorporated into essays, its importance in academic writing, the potential pitfalls of its use, and its suitability across different types of essays. What is the role of humor in writing?Humor plays a significant role in writing, particularly in making essays engaging and entertaining. It serves as a tool to capture the reader's attention and maintain their interest throughout the piece. Humor can break the monotony of academic or formal writing, making the content more relatable and enjoyable. It also aids in conveying complex ideas in a light-hearted manner, making them easier to understand. Moreover, humor can be a powerful tool to establish a connection with the reader, as it evokes emotions and makes the reading experience memorable. How can humor be effectively incorporated into an essay?Incorporating humor into an essay effectively requires a delicate balance. It is essential to understand the audience and the context before using humor. The humor should be relevant to the topic and should not distract from the main argument or point. It can be introduced through anecdotes, witty remarks, or clever wordplay. However, it is crucial to ensure that the humor does not offend or alienate any reader. The humor should be subtle and natural, not forced or overdone. It should enhance the essay's content, not overshadow it. Why is humor important in academic writing?While academic writing is often viewed as formal and serious, incorporating humor can be beneficial. Humor can make complex academic concepts more accessible and digestible for readers. It can also make the reading process more enjoyable, thereby increasing reader engagement. Furthermore, humor can help to humanize academic writing, making it more relatable and less intimidating. However, it is important to use humor judiciously in academic writing, as inappropriate or excessive humor can undermine the credibility of the work. What are the potential pitfalls of using humor in writing?While humor can enhance writing, it also comes with potential pitfalls. One of the main risks is that humor is subjective - what one person finds funny, another might not. This can lead to misunderstandings or even offense. Additionally, humor can sometimes distract from the main point or argument of the essay, particularly if it is used excessively or inappropriately. It can also be challenging to strike the right balance between being entertaining and maintaining a professional tone. Therefore, it is crucial to use humor carefully and considerately in writing. Can humor be used in all types of essays?While humor can be a valuable tool in writing, it may not be suitable for all types of essays. The appropriateness of humor largely depends on the topic, the audience, and the purpose of the essay. For instance, it might be inappropriate to use humor in a serious or sensitive topic. Similarly, if the audience is expected to be formal or professional, using humor might not be well-received. Therefore, it is important to consider these factors before deciding to incorporate humor into an essay.In conclusion, humor can be a powerful tool in writing, capable of making essays more engaging and entertaining. However, its use requires a delicate balance and a keen understanding of the audience and context. While it can make academic writing more accessible and enjoyable, it also comes with potential pitfalls that writers must navigate carefully. Ultimately, the appropriateness of humor depends on the nature of the essay, underscoring the need for thoughtful and considerate use of humor in writing.

Popular Essays

Golden Ration

How to Find the Domain and Range of a Function

If you're interested in writing about the performing arts, I can help you brainstorm titles related to topics like:

Challenging Traditional Gender Norms: Case Studies from Diverse Cultures

Step-by-Step Guide to Creating a Standard Curve for Spectrophotometer Analysis

The Science Behind Aging Skin: Understanding the Process and How to Combat It

Medical Marijuana: A Powerful Tool for Pain Management and Treatment

From Idea to Funding: A Comprehensive Guide to NIH Extramural Research Essay Writing

The Ethical Implications of DNA Research: A Comprehensive Analysis

The Chesapeake Bay Watershed: A Case Study for Sustainable Practices

From Cafeteria to Classroom: How School Food Affects Learning

Economic Impact of Canals: Transforming Trade and Transportation Before 1840

The Legacy of the Burrangong Goldfields: A Lasting Impact on Australia

Mastering the Art of Field Exercise Writing: A Comprehensive Guide

The Evolution of Google Doodles: A Visual History of Innovation

Unveiling Your Story: Exploring Personal History in a 'Where You Came From' Documentary Essay

Exploring the Similarities and Differences in Jacob Amann's Work

The Impact of the CAPS Program on Student Success

The Impact of Title IX on High School Athletics: A Perspective from the Athletic Director

From Local to Global: The Strategic Evolution of Haier

Building Resilience: Coping Strategies for Student Challenges

Analyzing Primary Sources: Crafting a Strong Separation of Powers DBQ Essay

Addressing Health Disparities in Native American Populations: The Importance of Cultural Competency

Unlocking Success in Swinburne Unit 3: Essential Essay Writing Strategies

Strategies for Reversing Declining Profit Margins: A Guide for Small Businesses

The Relationship Between Unemployment and Inflation: A Macroeconomic Analysis

Dementia Caregiving: Tips for Supporting Loved Ones with the Condition

Ethical Perspectives on Abortion: From Ancient Philosophies to Modern Day Controversies

Exploring Gender Roles Through the Lens of Standpoint Theory: A Critical Analysis

Ethical Reasoning Unveiled: Strategies for a Compelling Final Essay

Beyond the Basics: Advanced Techniques for Writing Insightful Program Evaluation Critiques

Balancing Security and Privacy: The Ethical Dilemma of Government Data Collection

The Psychology of Target Fixation: Understanding Its Impact on Performance

5 Essential Skills for Thriving in a Multicultural Workplace

Triage Your Research: Prioritizing Information for Effective Essay Writing

From Source to Sea: A Journey Through the Literary Landscape of Rivers

The American Revolution's Impact on Education and Social Reform: A Historical Perspective

Ethical Considerations in Visitation Policy Development

Finding Your Place: Navigating Identity and Belonging in a Diverse World

Exploring the Similarities and Differences: A Guide to Writing a Comparative Psychology Essay

Exploring the Relationship Between Supply and Demand in the Market

Defining Your Scope of Practice: Essential Considerations for Success

Literary Elements in Zootopia

Review Plot Diagram with The Simpsons

Funny Essays to Use as Mentor Texts

• By Amanda in Lesson Ideas , Reading Comprehension , Writing

Seriously – stories both you and your students will laugh out loud reading. Humor varies from person to person, so I have two very different essays in the hopes that you and your students will at least be able to connect to one.

To make sure this is actually useful for everyone, I’m only including essays that, at the time of posting this, are available for free online. And I’ll include a little bit about what I focus on with each to give you a jumping-off point.

To be honest, I’m posting this today as a bit of a reminder for myself that school can be fun and funny. Another pandemic year is underway. It won’t be easy, but maybe a little bit of humor can help us through it.

What to do with said hilarious short stories and essays? I tend to work with students who struggle with reading and writing. Most of my classes are remediation ELA where I have two goals: help them pass the state test and help them learn to love reading again. The humor helps get them through to the practice state test questions I have to give them. I know, I know. Teaching to the test. I hate it, too. But here we are and I know I’m not alone. The least I can do is give them engaging material. And maybe, even with the test questions after, they can rediscover how fun (and funny) stories can be.

A Super-Classy Gentleman’s Guide to Being a Classy Fellow by Paul Feig

Recognize the name? He’s been directing and writing some of my favorites for decades: Freaks and Geeks , Bridesmaids , and the 2016 version of Ghostbusters . His essay reminds me of Freaks and Geeks , one of my favorite shows when I was in high school. It’s a personal essay about how he took a chance on one of the most popular girls at school and succeeded in landing his first kiss – but then swiftly did something mortifying that ruined any future kisses from said popular girl. Ouch. Click HERE to read his cringe-worthy essay.

• short personal essay
• well-written and relatable
• low lexile but high engagement
• he uses the word “boner” three times (know your audience and district if you use this)

What to do with it

State testing questions, of course. Booooo. Yup. Agreed. I only give half-a-dozen multiple choice questions that are heavily modeled after the PA Keystones test they’ll soon be taking.

Now for the fun part: have your students use this as a model for their own personal essays. Point out some of Feig’s style techniques and have your students practice similar paragraphs or entire essays. Maybe they don’t want to write about their most embarrassing love-life experiences. Understandable. But there’s a solid paragraph here (or three) where Feig is unsure about something and he sprinkles in questions he’s asking himself as he weighs his options. Give students a prompt about an important decision they had to make (or unimportant like what to eat for lunch) and challenge them to match his humor with their internal questions peppered in the paragraph(s).

Big Boy by David Sedaris

Please note that I will NEVER talk about funny authors without including David Sedaris. So here I am, defiling my nice list of memoir-style narratives with an essay about a giant poop referred to as “big boy,” “the biggest piece of work I’ve ever seen,” “beast,” “monster,” and “man-made object.” In fact, I’m the lowly writer here using the term poop while Sedaris never does in his piece. He’s classy like that. Click HERE to read this fabulously classy piece.

• relatable piece
• extremely funny
• super short
• lots of figurative language
• it’s an essay about poop
• David reading is own work is always preferable since he has killer delivery, but I don’t see this with the same wording anywhere. Not really a con, more of a bummer.

What to do with it?

Definitely dive into all the figurative language he’s woven through the piece. Have the students read only the first few lines about the lovely Easter dinner he’s about to have and then guess what will come next based on the title and mood of the setting. Talk about how ironic the rest of the story is in comparison.

Similar to Feig he includes his thoughts which add to the humor in the piece. Have students describe a seemingly minor problem and then include dramatic thoughts and statements. The climax in this story is impressive given its topic. The reader is practically sweating along with Sedaris even though the actual situation is not life-or-death. Examples of times people get really panicky? In a dressing room with something too tight that may never come off your body without you Hulking out of it. Clothing malfunction like ripped pants or a well-placed stain while you’re at a wedding or some other formal affair. There just needs to be a situation where one person is having a secret melt-down in a very public setting while no one around them notices it.

Me, too! But I’m having the worst time finding anything appropriate and available, for free (not breaking copyright laws). So I’d love to hear suggestions if you have any.

I’ll keep updating this post as your suggestions come in and I’m hoping to eventually have some worksheets to go with these that are worthy of posting online.

Love bringing laughter into the classroom? Me, too! Check out these other posts on humorous lessons:

David Sedaris’s reading of his Santaland Diaries

Hilarious Ted Talks

Using Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy in the classroom

• david sedaris , ela lesson , essay , funny , mentor writing , nonfiction , paul feig

This is my ninth year teaching. I'm certified in secondary English and special education. I love creating engaging lessons that help to reach all students regardless of ability. I don't post my real picture because I like to keep my privacy.

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published.

Notify me of new posts by email.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed .

Popular Tags

Check out my favorite pinterest board, let’s connect on instagram.

Please go to the Instagram Feed settings page to create a feed.

© 2024 Engaging and Effective Teaching.

Made with by Graphene Themes .

We have to use cookies to be sure that our website functions properly. Click here for more information about our Cookie Policy and then tap Allow to continue your work

Top Special Offer! Check discount here

Get 13% off your first order - use TopStart13 discount code now!

• Top Essay Writing Service
• Writing Help

Satire Essay Topics and Ideas for Students to Explore

A satire essay uses humor to condemn social problems, pointing out defects or nonsense in politics, culture, or humanity. It is important to choose the right satire essay topics if you want the essays to be interesting and effective. In this article, we will show you how to choose compelling satire subjects and avoid typical mistakes.

How to Choose a Topic for Your Satire Essay

Choosing a topic for a satire essay requires some research, a little imagination, and an awareness of your readership. The aim is to pick something with enough material for funny criticism that is actually going to make a difference. Think about this before choosing a satirical essay topic.

• Choose a subject that is relevant to your audience. You don’t really want to write about old trends, for example.
• Make sure the topic is one that your target audience will have a strong grasp of. Hard topics could turn readers away if they don’t know the context.
• Pick a topic that you can easily joke about. Satirical essays thrive on silliness and irony, so find a problem in which these can be employed successfully. For this purpose, use the examples of satirical essays .
• Writing about a topic that you care about will make your satire more genuine and entertaining to readers.
• Make sure you have enough data to base your essay on. Do your research in advance to be sure that you have enough information to back up your points.

Mistakes to Avoid When Creating a Satirical Topic

By picking the wrong subject or taking satire too far, you may get your readers confused or even offended. Here are a few errors to avoid when coming up with your subject.

• Don’t Discuss Sensitive Issues: Sometimes, there is a thin line between a joke and an insult. Don’t pick topics that are too delicate, such as tragedies or social justice concerns that could rile up your readers.
• Don’t Over-Do It: Keep your subject easy to grasp. If you are trying to address too many topics in one essay, your message may become unclear and overwhelming.
• Avoid Shallow Topics: Boring topics, such as stale politics or celebrity gossip, might not work as well. Always try to find a different spin on familiar problems.
• Don’t Lose the Humor: A satire essay is meant to be funny. You should stay away from things that are too serious or technical because they don’t leave much space for the giggles.
• Don’t Deceive the Audience: You don’t want to lie to your readers. Rather, you should aim to entertain and challenge them. Don’t forget to make your readers aware that what you say is a parody and not a serious point.

Popular Satire Essay Topics by Educational Level

Satire essays offer a light-hearted, hyperbolic critique of the social conditions. You have to choose the correct topic to appeal to your readers and share a strong message. Satire can be a fun way of dealing with serious topics that arise at different stages of your educational journey. Here, we’ll cover some ideas for high-school and college satire essay topics so you can use them to spark an idea for the next project.

Topics for High School Students

When high schoolers start putting pen to paper on satire essays, they need a subject that is relatable and interesting. Here are some satire topic examples for students that will help you discuss school culture, social issues, and youth-related topics.

• Why Teenagers Are Always "Too Busy" Despite Doing Nothing All Day
• How Social Media Influencers Are The New Philosophers Of Our Generation
• The Secret Benefits Of Doing Homework At The Last Minute
• Why Sleep Deprivation Should Be Considered A High School Sport
• Why Students Really Need Five Hours Of Gym Class Per Day
• How Cafeteria Food Is Preparing Us For Life In Space
• Why Group Projects Are The Ultimate Survival Game
• The Art Of Texting In Class Without Getting Caught
• How Wearing Headphones In Class Makes You A Better Student
• Why Popularity In High School Is An Early Career Start For Politicians

Ideas for College Students

Higher education students might go a step further with satire by dealing with more serious social, political, and intellectual problems. In this college environment, satire can be a means to grapple with popular culture and expose the pressures of university. These 10 satire project ideas mix comedy with reality and would be perfect for college-level satire essays.

• How College Students Are The Best At Managing Stress Through Netflix Binges
• Why Online Classes Should Be The Future Of Social Interaction
• How Student Loans Prepare You For The Life Of Eternal Debt
• Why Freshmen Believe They Can Change The World In Their First Semester
• The Real Reason Why Professors Love Assigning 20-Page Research Papers
• Why The Campus Gym Is Just A Social Gathering Place With Weights
• How Students Manage To Procrastinate While Doing Absolutely Nothing
• The Hidden Dangers Of Free Pizza At College Events
• Why College Parking Lots Are Designed To Test Your Patience
• How To Survive On Ramen Noodles And Still Feel Like A Gourmet Chef

Best Subject-Specific Satire Essay Topics

Satire essays vary based on their subject. Whether it is about literature or tech, satire can provide relief in dealing with serious subjects. So, here we will look into some of the best satirical college essay ideas on various topics. Stay tuned!

Satire Essay Themes for English Literature

There are plenty of subjects for satire in English literature, especially when it comes to popular works and literary genres. These 10 satire essay ideas will help students expose familiar classics in a new, humorous, and critical manner.

• How Romeo And Juliet Could Have Saved Themselves With Better Communication Skills
• Why Shakespeare’s Characters Are The Original Social Media Influencers
• How Charles Dickens’ Characters Are The Ultimate Life Coaches
• Why Gothic Literature Was The Original Horror Movie Genre
• How Jane Austen’s Characters Would Fare In Modern Dating Apps
• The Real Reason Why Hamlet Couldn’t Make Up His Mind
• Why Edgar Allan Poe’s Work Is The Perfect Inspiration For Social Media Angst
• Why Every Protagonist In Classic Literature Needs A Therapist
• How Homer’s Odyssey Is Just A Really Long Road Trip Story
• Why Dystopian Novels Are Secretly Optimistic About Humanity

Political Satire Essay Titles

Political satire is a great way to question the politics of the day, using jokes to explain serious matters. Choose an appropriate political satire subject that will be relevant to what is happening today. Check out these 10 satirical essay ideas on politics.

• Why Political Candidates Should Campaign Through Tiktok Dances
• How Debates Could Be Improved With Reality TV-Style Eliminations
• The Importance Of Meme Wars In Modern Political Campaigns
• Why Every Politician Needs A Social Media Influencer For Policy Advice
• How Government Shutdowns Could Be Solved Through Crowdfunding
• Why Political Correctness Is The New Form Of Diplomacy
• The Rise Of Politicians As Instagram Influencers
• Why Political Speeches Should Come With Fact-Checking Subtitles
• The Future Of Democracy As Determined By Twitter Polls
• Why Political Slogans Are The New Haikus In Modern Discourse

Technology Satire Essay Ideas

Nowadays, there is no shortage of ways to satirize technology. From smartphones to AI, satirical technology essays can play on the funny side of our reliance on tech. Consider these 10 tech-related satirical essay topics.

• Why Smartphones Are Smarter Than Their Users
• Why Self-Driving Cars Will Refuse To Listen To Human Directions
• The Struggle Of AI Trying To Understand Human Emotions
• How Social Media Influencers Are The New Tech Gods
• Why Smartphones Should Give Us Weekly Life Performance Reviews
• How Virtual Reality Is Becoming More Appealing Than Actual Reality
• Why AI Should Start Doing Our Homework For Us
• How Autocorrect Is Secretly Undermining Human Communication
• Why Do We Need An App To Track How Many Apps We Use
• The Rise Of Wearable Tech That Knows You Better Than Your Family

Government and Political Topics

Government systems and political processes are great to explore satirically, as they are usually talked about very formally. Students often turn to Pro essay authors for hire to handle political topics due to their lack of personal expertise, but you can tackle such an essay easily with our help. These 10 government satire topic ideas will help you write about policies, bureaucracies, or international affairs in a fun and informative way.

• How Bureaucratic Red Tape Keeps Democracy Safe From Efficiency
• Why Do We Need A Committee To Decide How To Form More Committees
• How To Govern The Use Of PowerPoint Presentations
• Why International Diplomacy Should Be Done Through Video Games
• How Government Departments Could Learn From Fast Food Chains
• Why Every Law Should Be Voted On With Emojis
• How Politicians Will Start Outsourcing Decision-Making To AI
• The Benefits Of Holding Government Meetings On Zoom
• Why Political Leaders Need A Reality Show To Truly Engage Voters
• How National Crises Can Be Resolved Through Celebrity Endorsements

Economic Topics for Satire Paper

Satire essays on economics will let you comment on the distribution of wealth, corporate greed, and financial markets. Relating to both economics and society, the topics below will offer you many opportunities for sharp but also witty essays.

• Why Billionaires Should Donate Their Spare Change To Solve World Hunger
• How To Become Rich By Doing Absolutely Nothing
• The True Impact Of Influencer Economies On Global Markets
• Why Financial Literacy Should Be Taught By Your Favorite Youtuber
• How To Negotiate A Raise By Using Memes
• The Perfect Guide To Living In An Economy Driven By Avocado Toast
• Why Cryptocurrency Is The Ultimate Get-Rich-Quick Scheme
• How The Gig Economy Is Creating Professional Multitaskers
• Why Inflation Is The Best-Kept Secret For A Healthy Economy
• How Stock Markets Are Just Expensive Roller Coasters

Environmental Satire Paper Topics

With climate change and environmental policies becoming so important, parody in this field can remind us of the irony of our actions toward the Earth. Here are some satire ideas for students that will allow you to joke around with serious environmental questions.

• Why Humans Should Start Paying Rent To Nature
• How Plastic Straws Became Public Enemy Number One
• Why We Should Treat Endangered Species Like Social Media Influencers
• How Billionaires Are Buying Their Way Out Of Climate Change
• Why The Future Of Recycling Will Depend On Instagram Hashtags
• How Eco-Friendly Products Are More About The Label Than The Planet
• Why Plant-Based Diets Will Save Us From Alien Invasions
• Are Fashion Trends More Important Than Saving The Planet?
• Why We Should Use AI To Translate Whale Songs
• The Benefits Of Climate Change For Vacationing On New Coastlines

Satire Essay Topics about Education

The educational system is itself so unwieldy and complicated that it makes for a great satirical subject. From standardized testing to online learning, here are 10 education-related satire topic ideas that will help you study a serious problem disguised as a joke.

• Why Online Learning Is The Future Of Sleeping Through Class
• How Standardized Tests Measure Students’ Ability To Stay Awake
• Why Group Projects Prepare Students For The Chaos Of Adult Life
• How Homework Is The Ultimate Form Of Exercise
• Why School Lunches Should Be Michelin-Starred Events
• How To Survive College With Just Ramen And Free Wi-Fi
• Why Attendance Policies Should Include “ Netflix Recovery Days”
• How To Ace Exams By Just Guessing On Every Question
• Why Teachers Deserve A Nobel Prize For Patience
• The True Impact Of Memes On Education And Learning

Social Issues Satire Essay Topics Ideas

Political satire lets students make critical observations on socially relevant issues in a way that can be thought-provoking but also entertaining. These 10 good topics for satire touch upon modern culture, society, and behavior.

• How Social Media Is The True Battleground For Modern Activism
• Why Influencer Culture Will Soon Replace The News
• How Cancel Culture Is The Ultimate Form Of Online Exercise
• Why Going Viral Is More Important Than Going To College
• How Dating Apps Are Just Another Form Of Competitive Sports
• Why Introverts Should Have Their Own National Holiday
• How Reality TV Is Setting The New Standard For Political Debates
• Why The Rise Of TikTok Challenges Traditional Job Interviews
• How The Gym Has Become The New Social Club
• Why Achieving "Likes" On Instagram Is A Modern-Day Rite Of Passage

Extra Satire Essay Topics

But wait, there are even more satire paper topics to explore! We prepared some additional subjects and categorized them for your convenience. Enjoy these assorted satirical essay topics.

Funny Topics

The satirical essay can be written about a funny subject, and it will still engage the reader in social commentary. These 10 satirical topics to write about will give you the opportunity to sprinkle a little humor, sarcasm, and exaggeration when talking about everyday issues.

• Why Procrastination Is The Key To Success
• How To Fail At Being A Morning Person
• The Art Of Making A Cup Of Coffee Last All Day
• Why Reality TV Should Be The New Standard For Education
• How To Become A Professional Internet Troll
• The Benefits Of Being Hopelessly Unorganized
• Why Homework Is Secretly An Anti-Youth Movement
• How Smartphones Are Replacing Actual Intelligence
• The Real Struggle Of Keeping Up With Food Trends
• Why Your Pet Is Secretly Controlling Your Life

Easy Topics

If you are just getting into writing satire, you can get started with simple themes. These are 10 simple topics for a satire essay that are great for those writers who are just starting out with satire.

• The Art Of Texting While Avoiding Face-To-Face Conversations
• Why Social Media “Likes” Are More Important Than Real-Life Friends
• How Fast Food Is The Healthiest Choice For Students
• The Mystery Behind Why Group Projects Never Go Well
• How “Influencers” Are Shaping Our Modern Sense Of Reality
• Why Taking Naps Should Be Part Of The Curriculum
• The Secret Perks Of Staying Up All Night To Study
• Why Listening To Music While Studying Is The Ultimate Distraction
• The True Value Of Binge-Watching Netflix Before Finals
• How Multi-Tasking Is Just A Modern Myth

Satire Argumentative Essay Topics

Argumentative satire topics let you take a stand on a major point while also making it fun. Here are some amusing argumentative satire topics for students.

• Why Artificial Intelligence Will Soon Replace College Professors
• How Cancel Culture Is The Ultimate Form Of Justice
• The Ethical Dilemma Of Letting Robots Do Your Homework
• Why The Internet Should Decide Political Elections
• Why Public Speaking Should Be Taught Through Social Media Platforms
• The Real Reasons Why Fitness Apps Don't Work
• Why Junk Food Is Actually Good For Students
• The Hidden Dangers Of A Clean Diet
• How The Rise Of Technology Is Making Human Evolution Obsolete
• Why AI Deserves Basic Human Rights

Satire Topics about Cultural Phenomena

Culture is a great starting point for essays on satire. These 10 topics let students voice views on trends, pop culture, and the societal shift.

• How Meme Culture Is Shaping Global Communication
• The Rise Of Minimalism And Why Owning Less Is More Stressful
• Why Instagram Filters Are The New Reality
• The Truth Behind The Craze Of Plant-Based Diets
• Why Living An "Influencer Lifestyle" Is The Ultimate Career Goal
• How Smartphones Are Making Us Experts On Everything
• Why Binge-Watching TV Shows Should Be An Olympic Sport
• The Dangers Of Becoming Addicted To Your Self-Care Routine
• Why Video Games Are The Best Life-Skills Teachers
• How Travel Bloggers Are The Modern-Day Philosophers

Resources and Tools for Choosing a Topic

A satirical essay topic is difficult to come up with, but it can be made simpler by using the appropriate materials and tools. For an introduction, read a few satirical classics such as Jonathan Swift or Mark Twain to get a grip on this writing style. Modern satire can offer inspiration, too. For example, essays available at TopEssayWriting can give you awesome examples of satire essay topics and tips on how to format your own paper. We are often considered the Top Essay Writing firm for students online, so you can trust what we put out. Our experts can help you write an entire essay from scratch.

A more cutting-edge approach is to make use of AI tools to create topics or refine your thoughts. Try these online tools to decide on a great subject:

• ChatGPT or other writing assistants: These will give ideas in response to the themes you input.
• Google Trends: Ensures you find hot current events topics for your essay.
• Topic Generators: Sites like HubSpot’s blog topic generator can give you instant ideas.
• Satire Writing Resources: Books and online forums (like Reddit’s writing groups) are worth checking out for ideas.
• Academic Library Databases: Search libraries such as JSTOR for papers on social, political, or cultural topics that you might consider satirizing.

Creating a satirical essay is a great way to enhance your writing abilities while sharing your opinion with a little humor. Feel free to try out a bunch of sources and tools to get the right satire topics for essays. Remember, if you want any hint, guidance, or help, TopEssayWriting experts are there to assist you.

Related Blog Posts

Explore modern topics and ideas for writing satirical essays for students. Get useful resources and tips for creating engaging essays.

If you’re struggling with coming up with good ideas, we devised this list specifically to help you out. Take a look and find your perfect option!

How To Write Humorous Dialogue: 12 Easy Tips for Success

AI Newsletter

Email Address*

Writing humorous dialogue can feel like trying to nail jelly to a wall—just when you think you’ve got it, it slips away! Many writers struggle to strike the right balance between funny and authentic, often wondering why their jokes land with a thud instead of a chuckle. You’re not alone in this comedic conundrum!

But don’t worry! If you stick with me, I promise you’ll discover effective techniques to inject humor into your dialogue. From mastering the timing to weaving in puns, you’ll learn the tricks that can make your characters’ conversations not just entertaining, but hilarious.

We’ll cover everything from using subtext to experimenting with different types of humor, ensuring your readers can’t help but laugh. Let’s turn those awkward moments into comedy gold, shall we?

Key Takeaways

• Focus on your characters’ unique voices for authentic humor.
• Master timing and delivery; pauses enhance comedic impact.
• Use wordplay, puns, and twists to surprise your readers.
• Incorporate subtext and understatement for layered humor.
• Highlight contrasts and irony to create relatable comedic moments.
• Craft sentence structures with rhythm to boost punchlines.
• Mix different types of humor for dynamic interactions.
• Avoid obvious jokes; keep humor unexpected to maintain interest.
• Edit your work and seek feedback to sharpen the humor.
• Allow space for laughter; strategic pauses enhance comedic effect.
• Embrace trial and error; not every joke will land, and that’s okay.

Try our AI-powered ebook creator and craft stunning ebooks effortlessly!

Table of Contents

1. Write Authentic Humorous Dialogue

When it comes to writing humorous dialogue, you want your characters to sound like real people, not robots spitting out lines. Focus on their unique voices and backgrounds, ensuring that their humor reflects their personality.

For instance, if you have a character who is a pun enthusiast, let them toss puns around casually while someone else might have sarcasm as their go-to humor. The key is to stay true to each character’s essence.

You can also enhance authenticity by using specific language and slang that fits the character’s world. This gives the dialogue more depth and makes the jokes hit harder. Think about how your audience would react to the humor—does it flesh out the plot or advance the story?

2. Master Timing and Delivery for Comedy

Timing and delivery are everything when it comes to humor. Just like in stand-up comedy, where a well-timed pause can make the punchline land, your written dialogue should create that same rhythm.

Consider breaking up longer lines with short quips or even action beats. For example, if one character delivers a sarcastic remark, you could follow up with a brief reaction from another character to amplify the humor.

Moreover, placing humor where readers least expect it can create memorable moments. Remember, a character’s facial expressions and physical reactions can add another layer to the written jokes, so don’t skip over those details.

3. Use Wordplay and Puns for Humor

Wordplay can be one of the most delightful forms of humor in dialogue. It’s like giving your readers a little linguistic treat that also reflects your characters’ cleverness. Puns, double entendres, and even oxymorons work wonders here.

For example, instead of saying “I’m tired,” consider a twist like “I’m so tired I could sleep standing up like a flamingo.” It’s quirky and surprising—exactly the point.

Another fun trick? Take familiar phrases and flip them. Think about saying something like “The early bird gets the bagel” to add a light-hearted feel. It’s a smart way to catch your readers off-guard while still making them chuckle.

4. Add Subtext and Understatement in Dialogue

Subtext can be a powerful ingredient in humorous dialogue. It’s essentially what’s not being said that makes the conversation funny.

For example, a character could say, “I’m totally not worried about that big meeting tomorrow,” while their shaky voice and frantic gestures say otherwise.

This creates a layer of irony that readers get to enjoy, connecting the dots between what’s said and what’s meant.

Understatement can also pack a punch. Think of a character who responds to a disaster with a simple, “Well, that was unfortunate,” making the situation seem amusingly dire.

Matching subtext and understatement with character quirks can amplify humor while revealing their personality.

5. Incorporate Contrast and Irony for Effect

Contrast and irony are your best friends when writing humor. They highlight unexpected differences, making the funny moments pop.

Picture a character obsessed with cleanliness living with a messy roommate. Each surprise mess leads to dramatic, ironic reactions that can be hilariously relatable.

Ironic elements, like a superhero who’s scared of the dark, add depth to humor while turning clichés on their head.

Again, the key is to play with characters’ personalities and let their contradictions enhance the laughs you want to generate.

6. Implement Sarcasm and Satire Smartly

Sarcasm and satire can be fantastic tools for humor, but they need to be seasoned well. Sarcasm works best when it’s clever, not mean-spirited.

For instance, if one character says, “Sure, let’s make a fabulous meal together!” when they know their friend is a terrible cook, it adds a layer of playful irony.

In satire, take the time to poke fun at real-life scenarios or tropes—while ensuring that your characters still remain relatable.

Balancing sarcasm with genuine moments will keep your dialogue grounded, making the humor feel organic rather than forced.

7. Craft Sentence Structure and Rhythm for Punchlines

How you structure your sentences can significantly affect comedic timing. Punchlines often succeed because of brevity.

Consider crafting longer setups that build anticipation, followed by a trimmer punchline that delivers the joke with impact.

For example, a long-winded explanation that ends in a quick, unexpected twist can leave readers laughing.

Use variations in rhythm to keep the dialogue engaging and lively. Mix long, flowy sentences with short, snappy ones to maintain reader interest.

8. Mix Different Types of Humor Between Characters

Different types of humor can create dynamic character interactions that keep readers entertained. Imagine one character who uses dry wit mixed with another who’s just goofy.

This contrast not only develops their personalities but also provides a more engaging dialogue experience.

By mixing styles—like slapstick, irony, and sarcasm—you offer a range of comedic relief that can resonate differently with various readers.

Besides, this diversity can lead to unique and memorable scenes, ensuring that humor flows naturally from the characters’ relationships.

9. Avoid Making Jokes Too Obvious

One of the quickest ways to kill a joke is to make it predictable. Readers appreciate humor that’s a little unexpected, which keeps them engaged.

Rather than laying out the punchline too clearly, try leading your audience in one direction before surprising them with a twist.

For example, if your character is describing a chaotic day, instead of saying, “It was a disaster,” you could say, “It was a day that made a shark tank look like a petting zoo.” This keeps the joke fresh and relatable.

Surprise is a key ingredient in comedy, so play with expectations and let the characters’ quirks bring out those unexpected laughs.

10. Edit and Get Feedback on Your Dialogue

Editing is crucial for honing the humor in your dialogue. Once you’ve written your first draft, set it aside for a bit before revisiting it with fresh eyes.

Look for places where the humor could be tightened up or where timing can be improved.

Also, consider asking friends or fellow writers for feedback. A fresh perspective can help you see what works and what might need some polishing.

Sometimes, simply reading the dialogue aloud can give you a sense of rhythm and flow, helping to identify any areas that may fall flat.

11. Create Space for Laughter in the Text

Allowing moments for laughter to breathe can make the humor land better. Incorporate pauses in the dialogue for characters’ reactions—think of the comedic timing in sitcoms.

Letting a character react silently for a moment can enhance the humor by building anticipation for their response.

Use white space effectively by breaking up dialogues—this gives readers a moment to digest the humor and makes the next punchline hit harder.

12. Embrace Trial and Error in Writing Humor

Writing humor is a process of trial and error; not every joke will land, and that’s perfectly okay. Keep experimenting with different styles and formats.

Write scenes and dialogues without fear of judgment, then sift through them later to find the gold. Sometimes a line that didn’t fit can inspire a new direction.

Remember, humor is subjective. What’s hilarious to one person may not resonate with another, so don’t get discouraged.

Learning from your attempts will ultimately sharpen your skills and lead to even funnier moments in your writing journey.

How can I create authentic humorous dialogue?

To write authentic humorous dialogue, focus on character voice and personality. Observe real conversations, use relatable situations, and ensure that humor arises naturally within the context, rather than feeling forced or artificial.

What are some tips for mastering timing and delivery in comedy?

Practice pacing to enhance comedic timing; pause before punchlines for effect. Familiarize yourself with rhythm and flow in dialogue, ensuring that the delivery matches the humor’s tone for maximum impact.

How can I effectively use wordplay and puns in my writing?

Wordplay and puns add a clever twist to dialogue. Use them sparingly to avoid overwhelming the reader. Ensure the puns fit the context and emphasize character traits, enhancing humor without distracting from the main message.

What role does editing play in writing humorous dialogue?

Edit your dialogue rigorously to enhance clarity and comedic impact. Seek feedback to identify areas for improvement, and be willing to make adjustments. A well-edited piece increases the chances of humor resonating with the audience.

Stefan is the founder of Automateed. A content creator at heart, swimming through SAAS waters, and trying to make new AI apps available to fellow entrepreneurs.

Follow us on:

Explore our eBook Creation & Marketing Tools

(Click on any to open the tool ↓)

Informational Ebook Subniche Ideas Creator

Dive deep into your niche with our Informational Ebook Subniche Ideas tool. It helps you find specific areas that aren't as crowded, giving your ebook a better chance to shine and attract a dedicated audience.

Novel Ideas Generator

Stuck on what your next big novel should be about? Our Novel Ideas tool throws exciting suggestions your way, sparking your creativity and helping you start your storytelling journey with a bang.

Novel Title Ideas Creator

Find the perfect catchy title for your novel with our Novel Title Ideas tool. It's all about grabbing attention and making sure your book stands out from the rest right from the get-go.

Informational Ebook Niche Ideas

Not sure which niche to tackle in your next ebook? Our Informational Ebook Niche Ideas tool offers fresh insights into profitable niches that cater to your interests and market demand.

Informational Ebook Title Ideas

Get your ebook noticed with a title that piques curiosity. Our Informational Ebook Title Ideas tool helps you craft compelling titles that draw readers in from the very first glance.

Book Summary (Amazon KDP)

Catch readers' eyes with a killer book summary. Our Book Summary tool for Amazon KDP crafts concise, enticing summaries that give potential readers a tantalizing glimpse into your book.

Keyword Research for Amazon KDP

Optimize your Amazon listings with our Keyword Research tool for Amazon KDP. It helps you discover the keywords that potential readers are using, boosting your book's visibility and sales.

Novel Outline Creator

Turn that novel idea into a structured masterpiece. Our Novel Outline tool guides you through the process of building a coherent and captivating story framework step by step.

Informational Ebook Topic Ideas

Keep your ebooks fresh and interesting. Our Informational Ebook Topic Ideas tool generates a variety of topics that will engage your readers and keep them coming back for more.

Book Appendix

Add valuable content to your book with ease. Our Book Appendix tool helps you create detailed appendices that enrich your readers' understanding and enhance the overall value of your book.

Author Bio Generator

Let readers know who's behind the great read. Our About the Author Page Builder crafts engaging author bios that connect personally with your audience and build your author brand.

AI Short Story Generator

Spark the imagination of young readers. Our Short Story Creator for children helps you come up with fun, engaging stories that entertain and educate kids.

AI Short Poem Generator

Delight little ones with rhythmic magic. Our Short Poem Creator for children guides you in crafting short, catchy poems that are perfect for early readers.

Course Subniche Ideas

Explore untapped markets with our Course Subniche Ideas tool. It's perfect for finding specialized topics that can make your online courses highly sought after.

AI Course Name Generator

Captivate potential students right away with intriguing course titles generated by our Course Title Ideas tool. It’s all about making a great first impression.

AI Course Outline Generator

Build your course with confidence! Our Course Outline Builder helps you organize your material in a way that's both educational and engaging, ensuring a rewarding learning experience for your students.

AI Target Audience Problem Generator

Understand and solve the challenges your audience faces. Our Target Audience Problems tool helps you identify and address the specific issues that your potential customers are trying to resolve.

Target Audience Brainstorm

Get to know your audience better than ever. Our Target Audience Brainstorm tool offers insights into what your audience desires, helping you tailor your content and products to meet their expectations.

Quiz Creator

Engage your audience with fun and interactive quizzes. Our Quiz Creator tool makes it easy to design quizzes that entertain, educate, and even collect valuable data from participants.

AI Blog Post Idea Generator

Never run out of topics with our Blog Post Ideas tool. It generates a range of topics based on current trends and your blog’s focus, to keep your content calendar bustling.

AI Cold Email Writer

Make a great first impression with our Cold Email tool. Write effective introductory emails that capture attention and open doors to new business opportunities.

AI Email Writer

Launch successful email campaigns that captivate and convert. Our Email Campaign tool helps you create targeted messages that resonate with your audience.

Instagram Carousel

Bring your Instagram to life with our Instagram Carousel tool. Create stunning multi-photo posts that tell a story and increase engagement with your followers.

AI Marketing Strategy Generator

Plan your path to success with our Marketing Strategy tool. It guides you through creating a comprehensive strategy that aligns with your business goals and market needs.

Please submit your tool to [email protected] Include description of the tool. Thanks!

HOLD UP! Sure Don’t Want this Insane Advantage? We’ll Even Take $30 OFF

Because we really want you to succeed.

YES I WANT THIS DISCOUNT!

NO I DON’T WANT