i fell in love with my best friend essay

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We Falling In Love With Your Best Friend Short Story

“WE BELONG TO EACH OTHER” Introduction: Have you ever tried to falling in love with your best friend? What did you do? How could you able to handle it? It is a good thing or not? All of us have an experienced on how to loved and how to be loved. Yes, it is really joyous, exciting, inspiring, colorful and sometimes it seems like everything is perfect, but despite of it, there is also what we called “pain” especially when there is something wrong with the situation or others, but still falling in love is one of the things that we may not be regret with. Summary: There was a two best friends, Jairo and Jamella. Jairo came from a simple family, while Jamella came from a rich family. They are friends since elementary and when they reach high school level, they became closer to each other, that closeness was leads Jairo to fall in love with his best friend. This situation doesn 't became easy for him, he tried to set aside his feelings because he know that when Jamella knew it, there is a possibility that their friendship were destroy. The days goes by, his love for his bestfriend were continue growing, until one night, he decided to tell his true feelings for her, not because he want Jamella to love him back, but because he only wants to be true and honest to his bestfriend. When he is about to speak, Jamella talk first, she has a bad news, she is about to leave, her family want her to study in United States. Jairo was shocked, he didn 't able to say what he supposed to

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Losing someone who cannot be replaced by anyone else is harder than losing millions of dollars. I have been deeply affected by my experiences learning to overcome all of the emotional disturbances, finding that there are things that cannot be forgotten, and gaining knowledge about the uniqueness of the friendship. When my best friend Ilija told me that he and I were going to go to Chicago on a dinner date. I didn’t know how much my life would have changed completely till I realized I was almost going to lose him. We friends but not just your average friend you see here and there, we were best friends . There wasn’t a single thing we didn’t do together, whether it was playing soccer, walking on the street acting crazy, ditch school for what ever reason one was tired or something was going on in the Chicago that one or both didn’t want to miss. We had the best times together, but unfortunately life almost took all that from me. Sometimes I still catch myself asking why it had to happen, my best friend, a person who I trusted with everything, the one person who knew exactly how to make me happy even when I was mad at him, the one person who made everything seem so simple but would create some of the best moment in my life. He was the type of friend who would give everything in his power in order to strengthen our friendship, even though there was nothing that could weaken it. It was June 14, 2011. I will never forget that day. He came over excited for our little date out in Chicago. We told my parents bye and that we were going out to Greek-town for dinner a restaurant called Pegasus and after we were just going to walk around the city. It was only an hour drive to the restaurant but it seemed a lot shorter while we were laughin... ... middle of paper ... ...soft whisper, “hey there sleepy” I replied, “Hi, do you want a drink of water? Should I get the nurse? Do you need anything?” He answers, “no I’m okay, she was just in hear not to long ago, but yes I would like something my girlfriend to lay next to me if that’s not to much to ask!” I was scared at first of hurting him, but in the same moment Ilija wincing in pain, scooted over and pulling me toward him. Being able to lying down in his arms felt like the best place in the world. Nothing around us seemed to matter in that moment as if we were in our own bubble and we didn’t here the constant high pitched peeping of machines or nurses. Imagining that I was back in Chicago enjoying the warm summer evening with him, sitting on the cool prickly grass of Millennium Park watching people go by one by one. My perfect moment before things almost took a turn for the worst.

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I Fell in Love With My Best Friend, and He Didn’t Feel the Same

• Posted on February 9, 2021 February 9, 2021
• 5 minute read
• by Stephanie Taylor

I sat next to my best friend on her queen-sized bed, surrounded by a mass of pillows doing what best friends do, heart to hearts. Her words stuck. “As painful as it was, losing that friendship wouldn’t have mattered if you hadn’t learned anything.” We were rehashing the loss of one of my closest friendships. My best guy friend. (Let’s call him David.) A guy who in the course of our three-year friendship I realized I was in love with. 

We laid out the details like a deck of cards. What had gone wrong. Mistakes made on both sides. The scars it left. What I learned from it. How I was planning to let go and move on. I had done the unthinkable. I sent a text saying I couldn’t be friends anymore. Then, in order to explain myself, I wrote an emotional note. (A note, might I add, that was written while I was slightly tipsy. Something I highly warn against—drunken notes, texts, smoke signals or not-well-thought-out communication of any kind.)

Rewind to 2016 when I realized that I had feelings for my best guy friend. After three years of a storybook friendship—of long phone calls, of making fun of each other, of seeing each other at our worst, of challenging each other to grow, of rooting for each other, of me calling him to come save me when I needed help, I realized I was in love, and it scared the crap out of me. 

After three years of a storybook friendship, I realized I was in love, and it scared the crap out of me. 

What scared me was that I knew . I knew how I felt. I knew what he meant to me. I knew if I had to choose, I’d always pick him. It was that feeling that older, more mature couples talk about, “When you know, you know.” However, I sat on my newfound knowledge of my feelings for a month, hoping I could will them away. I didn’t want to be in love with my best guy friend because I was afraid—afraid of losing him, afraid of the friendship changing, but mostly, afraid of being rejected.

So what did I do?

I hardcore stuffed those emotions, deep, deep down in a dark tunnel that no one could find. I worked out to avoid feeling. I worked more hours to avoid emotions. I slept to avoid emotions. I shopped to avoid emotions. And guess what? The feelings were still there. They didn’t go anywhere. In the midst of my attempt to avoid reality, a friend gave me some words of wisdom. She told me that perhaps the first step was to acknowledge what it was. I had been avoiding it for so long that coming to terms with how I felt seemed impossible. As we sat, talked and sipped coffee, my heart began to ease and my lips finally released the words that I had been holding captive: I was in love with him.

My heart began to ease and my lips finally released the words that I had been holding captive: I was in love with him.

One crisp, clear L.A. night, with a glass of wine in hand, I took my phone to my apartment’s deck, and I made the call. With shaky hands and a trembling voice, I said the words that I had been trying so hard to bury: I have feelings for you. Fast forward to present day: The love that I expressed to my best guy friend turned out to be unrequited. He told me while he once had feelings, he didn’t think we were a good fit. It was my biggest fear coming true in real time—falling for someone only for it not to be reciprocated. I felt embarrassed. I felt confused. I felt exposed. I felt stupid. I was hurt.

We tried going back to being friends like we had always been, but it didn’t work out. The phone calls stopped. The witty texts stopped filling my inbox. We saw each other once more in 2016 when we both were home. I thought I could be his friend again, but my heart wasn’t ready.

When I got back to L.A., I sent him a text and said I couldn’t be his friend anymore. He sent me a thumbs up emoji. We haven’t spoken since.

Five years later, guess what? I’m still here. Being honest about my emotions and being vulnerable didn’t destroy me. It didn’t kill me. While awfully uncomfortable, I am still here. To be honest, it was relieving just to be honest. It was like releasing pressure from a balloon. Once it was pierced, it all just came out.

Being honest about my emotions and being vulnerable didn’t destroy me. I am still here.

I fell in love with someone and that love was not reciprocated. Knowing that fact doesn’t destroy me. Oh, most certainly it hurts like all hell, but if it was love, of course the loss of it is going to hurt. Years later, I surely don’t have all the answers. I still think about David from time to time when I go to fill out my March Madness bracket or when I visit Texas. I wish I could tell him my crazy roommate stories, about my job layoff and working and living in Italy. Throughout the past five years, I have missed our friendship the most. If ever I find myself on a train of thought headed to the past for too long, I kindly take my ticket and head to the Exit door. I wish him well, and I let it go.

Before, I used to wonder why he didn’t choose me. The thought used to keep me up at night. Now, I know that I am enough, with or without this person. Just because one guy didn’t pick me, it doesn’t mean I am unworthy of love or not good enough. I am enough, just as I am, imperfect, beautiful me.

Just because one guy didn’t pick me, it doesn’t mean I am unworthy of love or not good enough.

While there are a lot of things I would go back and do differently, I am proud of myself for having the courage to be vulnerable. I am proud of myself for voicing how I felt. I am even proud of myself for saying I wasn’t ready to be friends just yet because I wasn’t. I know now that that’s OK—that expressing my needs is OK. I only wish I would have had that conversation with him in person and not sent that text. I was hurting and chose the quickest and easiest option. The situation deserved more care and so did he.

Just as we are all in process and imperfect human beings, I have learned to show grace for my younger self. I now know that I am deserving and worthy of love, and that fact does not change because of any person.

Have you ever faced rejection? How did you overcome it?

Image via Raisa Zwart Photography

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Stephanie Taylor

Stephanie, who affectionately goes by Stevie, is a walking paradox. A vagabond soul who craves adventure (she's crossed off 35 states on her travel list) but has a longing for a sense of home more than anything else. A lover of style, but adverse to shopping and price tags. A vegetarian with an appreciation for the smell of bacon. She has lived a number of lives from event assistant to creative writing teacher to the former Online Managing Editor at Darling.

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Literally, Darling » Blog » relationships » I Fell In Love With My Best Friend—And He Didn’t Love Me Back

I Fell In Love With My Best Friend—And He Didn’t Love Me Back

By Drea Aron-Schiavone

“How do you stay friends with someone after you tell them that you love them, but they don’t love you back?” I typed. “How do you move on after honesty changes a friendship?” “What is ‘moving on,’ anyways?” Not even supposedly omniscient Google could help me.

Impatient with my overly sensitive self’s inability to “just move on already,” I naively searched for some straightforward “how-to” guide for coping with the end of a romantic relationship that existed only in my hopes. In the months since we both graduated last year, I developed big feelings for a college friend who no longer lived just a 10-minute, cross-campus walk away–a new distance I strove to bridge through emotional closeness: miles of “thinking of you” texts, letters, care packages. In his phone calls I treasured, we dwelled in nostalgia for our four-year home. We shared favorite writers, what moved us and made us cry. He was one of the first friends I told about my mom’s cancer. Even after an awful day at work, he still called to congratulate me on my new teaching job while he shopped in Walmart, kindly reassuring and encouraging me while he paused to smell air fresheners, give directions to a stranger, express sympathy over a melting-down child. He earnestly told me I was “full of love and grace.” I texted him photos of my students’ art and reminders of his strength and goodness when he questioned himself. He called on my birthday, telling me he “cared about me a lot.” As we opened ourselves into each other, my feelings deepened. I grew to love him.

After intense deliberation and seven months of nurturing this closeness, I finally decided to tell him. I was compelled by what a kindred spirit friend calls a “heart-on-sleeve living spree:” a vulnerability-driven spree in which we both actively partake. I felt insincere, implicitly saying “I love you” constantly, without ever actually speaking those words. To paraphrase one of my favorite authors, Cheryl Strayed: withholding something had created a force field all its own. I heavily weighed the risk of our friendship fading into awkward-induced oblivion. But I could only mentally transcribe so many conversations, crowd my mind with so many wishful imaginings, overanalyze so much gentle praise before feeling completely exhausted, distracted, and anxious.

I wrote him a five-page letter, detailing many (many) qualities I admired in him. I assured him that I didn’t want him to feel pressured to reciprocate, or guilty if he didn’t. I told him I was scared of losing him as a dear friend. Dropping the letter in my mailbox, I realized with both relief and fear the symbolic weight of this light envelope: it could change the dynamics of our relationship, for better or worse.

A few days later, I received an optimistically cryptic text saying that he would love to talk on the phone. The next day, we did–enduring nerve-wracking small talk as I paced around my front yard, pulling pine needles off trees, feeling like I would vomit. Finally, a break in conversation. His voice grew softer, more earnest. He thanked me for my vulnerability. He assured me that he greatly valued our friendship. He gently told me he couldn’t return my feelings.

Our words became cushioned between long pauses. We alternated between choruses of “I really don’t want to hurt you” and “I’ll be okay.” When we hung up, I initially felt relieved. The next morning, though, I was emotionally wrecked. I texted him (too soon) that maybe we shouldn’t communicate for a while. My care for him was not conditional on returning my love, but I needed time to process  the loss of what I had spent months hoping for, before I could internalize this new reality.

One of my favorite poets, Sarah Kay, says she writes to work through something. So, I wrote—a lot. I filled many pages in what my sister and I semi-jokingly referred to as my “feelings book,” a  journal I carried everywhere for about two weeks after The Phone Call. I felt so fragile for even needing to heal from this not-even-real-break-up, when people endure far worse every day. But I also tried to be gentle with myself, as this stream of consciousness processing helped unravel my tangled thoughts.

Serendipitously, my phone had just deleted all of my old texts due to a mysterious technical glitch–a  huge blessing in disguise. While I often love re-reading favorite texts, I realized that dwelling in our past exchanges would not help me adjust to the new reality of our relationship.

I also deactivated my Facebook, turning offline to the support of my ever-patient sister and other dear friends. They listened to my rambling feelings, providing graceful advice and love for which I am deeply grateful. Ultimately, I needed time away to change how preoccupied I had become with projecting myself as someone I thought he could love. I had carefully curated my posts, his anticipated reaction never far from my mind. I anxiously awaited his “likes” or other friends’ public proclamations of love that would surely deepen his feelings for me. I had unhealthily relied on Facebook in dictating my worthiness of love.

In the wake of healing, I realized just how important it was to be self-compassionate. After writing his letter, I had written a love letter to myself, too, to open after hearing his feelings. I wrote as if trying to comfort my dearest friends: “I know you have invested a lot of time, energy, thought, and love into wishful thinking about sharing a future with someone you love. Know that you can still hope for that future. You have been imagining this caring, loving, nurturing man as having a specific face, but it doesn’t have to be that one.”

Maybe a large part of healing comes down to seeing potential again. While you acknowledge that moving forward inevitably holds challenges, you also see immense opportunity in renewed reaching and giving love outside of the confines of this one relationship. Another part of my letter to myself read: “you are still whole and there is still so much time to meet someone who is caring and nurturing and kind and loving who does love you. The unexpected, while it can be scary, can also be incredible. We don’t know what will happen and who we will meet.” People of all ages find love in all stages of life. While many friends our age may be in serious relationships, there is no universal timeline we must abide by; as long as you are alive, it is never “too late.”

A couple weeks later, I texted him that I was feeling better, and hoped we could still be friends. After no response, I reached out again, met by a nothingness which overflowed into the next few months, paradoxically generating endless overanalysis. Did I overwhelm him? (Probably). Was it too awkward to stay friends? (Possibly). Was he just seeking unplugged summer respite? (I hoped). But certainty never comes from silence. I struggled to embrace the ambiguity as best I could, and create that closure for myself.

I ultimately strove to hold my friend in empathy, and acknowledge the hard truth that, as Cheryl Strayed writes, “you can’t convince someone to love you…real love moves freely in both directions.” He never wanted to hurt me, and there were countless, uncontrollable factors potentially at play. Maybe those included the challenge of leaving one beloved home and striving to create another in a foreign space. Maybe the miles between us were too daunting. Maybe he just felt too guilty or uncomfortable remaining friends in the wake of my revealed feelings. I had to accept that while I may never know more fully which reasons prevented him from reaching out, I needed to trust in whatever they were.

Perhaps even tougher than accepting the unrequited love was coping with the apparent fading of a close friendship. I struggled facing silence from someone who I still cared about so deeply, whose connection had been integrated into my everyday life for many months. There were no more “thinking of you” texts, no calls, no sharing of ourselves–just past words lingering in my mind like shadows. Earlier, I approached “moving on” as a complex equation to solve by showing my work through countless, journaled pages that surely would culminate in some grand epiphany. But instead, gaining acceptance became a natural, gradual consequence of continuing to live wholly and invest my love and time in all else I cared about: trying to support and encourage my family, friends, students, and myself; bonding with my sister as we cooked dinners and drove countless miles together; guiding my students in creating their first paper mache masks; grocery shopping for my parents; celebrating milestones with beloved friends. I finally researched grad schools and applied to a new job. I made myself keep reaching.

I think moving on doesn’t always look like a complete reversal of feelings or vilifying someone (though in very toxic situations, that may be totally justified). Perhaps being at peace comes from acknowledging that someone can still be a good-hearted person without also being the right person for you, right now. You may not stop loving them, but grow to love them in a different, honest way. Similarly, as one of my insightful friends said recently: “it doesn’t mean that you stop having feelings for them or stop being hurt by their actions, but you just step back and realize your expectation of them did not align with reality. You are being hurt by the expectation you created.” You may cycle (and re-cycle) through feeling sad, frustrated, and at a loss before landing on compassion. Forgive yourself for momentary regressions, for not feeling as hopeful today as two weeks ago. You are trying.

The Science of Sex Toys Goes Way Beyond Just Pleasure

For any kind of healthy relationship, two people must want to be in it. And no excess of wanting or love on one side can compensate for someone who can’t reciprocate the way you want them to, for whatever reason. You can keep yourself open to them, knowing circumstances can always change, but also, strive to make peace with the way stars have aligned now, even if you wished for different constellations. As Mumford & Son sings: “I will learn to love the skies I’m under.”

I’m lucky in that my situation was far less painful than many others’–I will never view my time with him as wasted, not by any means. Our phone calls gave me comfort and empathy while wading through post-graduation flux. He introduced me to writers who are now among my favorites. His faith in me and genuine encouragement echoed back when I doubted myself in teaching my 140 high schoolers. Our friendship inspired me to be more giving, honest, understanding, and resilient–and it will continue to. I truly hope someday we can continue our friendship, if he wants to, too.

Some say “living well is the best revenge”–“proving” to someone that you don’t need them to be happy. And with social media, this is easily broadcast, posting photos looking fun/social/non-hurt. But maybe, the harder, more gratifying process is to live well for the sake of honoring your own life–respecting the value of your own story and limited time here. To absorb the losses you feel and transform them into resilience, continuing to grow into the best version of yourself for your own sake, and for the benefit of those who love you.

I know there will be other times of healing along my “heart-on-sleeve living spree.” But I try to remind myself that I would rather be driven by valuing vulnerability and loving unreservedly than by fearing rejection, loss, and heartache.

As my wise sister says, maybe growing up means Google can’t generate the answers you seek. While I am still learning, I hope healing can come from a culmination of small gestures filled with self-compassion and patience. It may require an uncomfortable, down-in-the-dirt wrestling with honesty, and be full of choices your head steers you towards, even if your heart doesn’t feel sold on them just yet. It can begin when you press “Delete All Messages,” or when you attend your first yoga class and fill your lungs with new air. It can begin in deciding to stop obsessing over Facebook, or in writing comforting words to yourself to revisit. It can begin in reaching out the car window, letting yourself be warmed by the sky you’re under, looking hopefully towards the wide world unfolding before you. You are whole. And you are, and always will be, worthy of whole love.

Drea Aron-Schiavone is an overanalyzing, people-loving, heart-on-sleeve introvert who will happily gush over the words in a beautifully moving phrase, sentence, or text message with you any hour of the day. She serendipitously found herself teaching high school art, and now, is hoping to work at a residential treatment center for kids and teens as she attempts to apply to graduate school. She is inspired by the resilience and genuine hearts of small humans, and hopes to pursue a future as a social worker, working with children who have survived trauma and abuse. Some of her favorite things include her family, William & Mary, handwritten letters, Ernest Hemingway, long drives with friends, Ed Sheeran, and sending text messages that are way too long.

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I’m going through a similar situation right now and I found your post while searching on Google for answers, which I didn’t find, of course! But I discovered your post. Thank you for sharing your story. Reading it made me feel a little better!

Thank you for sharing your story. I also went though the same situation. We started out as a couple and it slowly devolved into friendship due to lack of intimacy from me having complications after an IUD replacement. The whole time though I was falling harder and harder in love with him. I finally asked him how he viewed “us.” He said we were just friends. I was devastated and didn’t confess my feelings because at that point it would make me look like a fool. I thought I could go on as just friends but it was too painful. I ended our friendship but not a day goes by where I don’t think of him. I miss our constant conversation and being around him. I do wonder if I made the right choice because the loneliness and emptiness I now feel is overwhelming.

Thank you for sharing your story. I too, came to Google for advice in a similar situation, and I’m glad your post is here. It makes Life a little brighter.

I felt this. Thank you ❤️

thank you for this

My Ex is back after 3 months of break-up ❤️…………….

Hello :) I rarely make comments on things I write online.. but truly.. thank you for this. It was everything I needed to read after having gone through a similar situation. Was googling my thoughts and came across this article and it was written so brilliantly. I guess some people come into your life for a season to help you become a better person but are just meant to go on their merry way to live their life and I mine. I hope everything’s going well for you now and do take care during this pandemic period too! :) and once again, thank you.

I must say, thank you for sharing your experience. I feel you, I hear you. My situation is a bit different in that the person I love started as a relationship, then went to friends, then we have gone our own ways various times through the now 10 years of being in each other’s lives. It’s been years since we had opened the door to being more than friends, but we did, and with that cane opening my heart again to her. I’m am also a female but she is someone that considers herself poly and pansexual, and I prefer women and identity as gay and mostly monogamous. So there are many factors in play here, but recently she has become connected to a new guy and it’s left me hurting and struggling to be a good friend. She’s my best friend and our souls are connected, without a doubt, I just can’t seem to get through my pain. I want her to be happy but of course I want that to be me, but she’s expressed that she doesn’t want a relationship with me, that I’m not the type of personality she’s looking for. We have been through ALOT, and I can understand why she says this, but it still hurts nonetheless. I will always love her, but I’m stuck in wanting her in my life and being a friend, or trying to create distance and possibly losing my best friend (again) and feeling incomplete. I know I can survive this, time heals all, but reading your story has gotten me through this day, so I thank you from the bottom of my laboring heart. You are beautiful, inside and out.

I also got brought here courtesy of Google – I haven’t spoken to my friend now in over a year, it’s my fault, I lost my temper with one of his family (my former boss) for a legitimate reason. I apologised right after to all but, he doesn’t want to forgive me, I no longer work there & I miss him every day! I really thought it was a *real* friendship, I was so close to him, told him things I’ve never told anyone, but I guess I was wrong… to compound the problem, we both live in the same village & I see him all the time! it’s very hard to obtain closure when the knife keeps being twisted. He’s married & though I love him dearly, it was completely platonic, he was my friend, the only true friend I’ve ever had & now he’s gone. I don’t find making friends very easy & now I’m *terrified* to try again, I got it so wrong clearly, the thing is, I completely respect people’s boundaries, but he didn’t set any. A year later & I’m as messed now as I was then, anyway, a good read, take care xx

Thank you for this beautiful article. We just had the talk today and I was feeling sad. In my situation, my best friend says even if he thinks about it a lot too, he is not ready to be a stepdad to my daughter and I totally respect that. I truly hope someday I will meet my special someone, but in the meantime, I will focus on my daughter and I. Thanks again for your article. Something tells me I’ll be reading it again ;)

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Like a Rom-Com Protagonist, I Told My Best Friend I Was in Love With Him

Few love stories appeal to me so much as do those centered around best friends-turned-lovers. In my cynical mind, something about the level of intimacy, of authenticity, that exists in friendship makes love feel less hormonal/doomed when it blooms between them than when it does between strangers. Harry and Sally knew each other, really knew each other, before they fell in love. All the warts were on display and yet they still chose to be together. That's the kind of relationship origin story I have always craved, especially as an introvert, and it's become ever more appealing in the era of smoke-and-mirrors internet dating.

The stage was well set for me to get this, my version of a fairy tale, back in college. After my older boyfriend moved to Japan post-graduation, his friends adopted me into their circle. One in particular became my bestie, acting as a big brother figure of sorts as I finished college. We partied together, served as each other's wingmen as well as plus ones, supported each other through tough moments, and shared friends and family with one another until our lives were very much intertwined. It was lovely, but it wasn't love.

When I fell in love with my best friend, it hit me like a ton of bricks—suddenly.

Until, one day, it was. For me, at least. When I fell in love with my best friend, it hit me like a ton of bricks—suddenly. I absolutely pined for the guy, even though he was right next to me, and I wanted our non-sexual sleepovers to become R-rated, stat. When at last one did, I thought it was the beginning of something new. So I told him I loved him, with certainty and flourish, as one would see done in a movie. I was confident he felt it, too, so I had no trouble walking out onto a limb with heart in my hand.

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Unfortunately, he did not. Feel it too, that is. In fact, he flat out said he did  not  love me, at least not romantically.

I was so heartbroken by this news (and, embarrassed) that I moved from Los Angeles to New York pretty much immediately. He then got a roommate, became good friends with her, and eventually told her he loved her . They got married. I got a drinking problem. I can still remember exactly where I was standing when our shared best girl friend called to tell me he was engaged, the way people recall every detail of the moment JFK was shot. It was that traumatic.

He was the only person I'd ever wanted to marry, and I was certain that meant he was the one I would marry.

A few years later, however, he was back on the market nursing his own broken heart. Our friendship rekindled and we once again became party partners and wingmen, even though I was hardcore faking romantic disinterest. He was the only person I'd ever wanted to marry, and I was certain that meant he was the one I would marry. The first wife had just been a thing he had to go through to get back to me.

So, one Thanksgiving of many spent with his family, I went out on a limb again. I held up a proverbial boombox at exactly the point in the third act of the movie where the pursuer gets the pursued. It was our time, at last!

My romantic declaration was met with something akin, in my mind, to horror, and deflected with a speech about how I deserved to be with someone who loved me the way I loved them. Humiliating reassurances that "he was out there" were lobbed in my direction.

I didn't understand. We were perfect for each other. We could be ourselves together. We'd shared a decade's worth of experiences both good and bad. Our social circles had blended into one. The wedding I'd planned in my mind for the last 10 years would've been magical, the natural conclusion everyone in our lives had been waiting for. Except, apparently, for him.

This time, our friendship ended. In fact, that was the last time I spoke to him until recently. On a hike, I ran into him, his new wife, and their new baby. If you're thinking, "Phew, this must be the point at which her dignity finally takes the wheel," you'd be right. And wrong. I no longer feel the way I once did, but every so often I think about the time I joked, before he'd ever been married, that I was certain I'd be his third wife. Fingers crossed? Just kidding—but only if you want me to be.

I wish this story had an ending more like a fairy tale," i.e., I got the guy. Or better yet, that at some point he'd realized his mistake and come back and gotten me. Still, I don't regret following my heart and going for it, despite a rejection some might consider embarrassing. After all, I say this to my friends often as it's necessary reminder in the too-cool-for-school Los Angeles singles scene: There's nothing embarrassing about loving someone. And while he wasn't the love of my life, I know he was right—my love is out there, and I do deserve him to feel the way about me that I feel about him.

There's nothing embarrassing about loving someone.

In the aftermath of all this heartbreak, I did decide to stop trying to turn a friendship into an epic love story and am now looking for a love story to turn into an epic friendship instead. Life isn't a movie, after all, and just because something would make for perfect plotting doesn't mean it's the real deal.

With that said, I will definitely be the first person to show up at my ex-bestie's wife's funeral in 50 years. Just kidding—but only if you want me to be.

Speaking of "meant to be," here's what happened when one writer chose dates based on zodiac compatibility alone . Plus, can hypnotism cure heartbreak? Another writer finds out . (Does it work on romantic delusions? Asking for a friend.)

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I Fell in Love With My Best Friend

• Est. reading time: 8 min.

By Shawn Mynar

Editor’s Note:  We’ve been studying relationships for the last four decades, but we still have so much to learn. Through the individual stories and experiences shared in Real Relationships, we aim to paint a more realistic picture of love in the world today. The views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in this article belong solely to the author, and are not necessarily based on research conducted by The Gottman Institute.

It wasn’t love-at-first-sight. In fact, it took five years for me to recognize my feelings for her. Kristin and I started out as friends, “gal pals” bonding over a shared passion for health and fitness. We had friend dates cooking up the latest superfoods together, going on hikes, researching the best supplements, and eventually both becoming certified nutritionists.

As the years progressed, we got even closer. Both of us went through similar health issues and relied on each other to vent and get support from someone who actually understood. We communicated daily and rarely went more than a few days without seeing each other. She had become my best friend.

It wasn’t until New Year’s Eve, five years into our friendship, that something sparked in me when I glanced over at Kristin that night. We were out with a group of friends, celebrating the fresh start that comes with a new year, and had a blast, as usual. When I got home, I found myself replaying the evening with her and feeling like there was a different kind of connection forming, beyond best friendship. 

This brought up so much confusion for me. First of all, I’m not supposed to feel this way about my gay best friend. And secondly, she’s…a woman. Being in a same-sex relationship was new territory and something I hadn’t considered. I’d never felt this kind of attraction to a woman before. Could this be?

My newfound attraction to Kristin led me down a path of self-exploration. While I still felt adamant that I couldn’t fall in love with her , my best friend, I opened up to the idea of looking for love in both sexes, instead of confining myself to men, which I had done up until then.

While this opened up a whole new dating pool for me, I still couldn’t seem to get past my growing feelings for Kristin, as much as I tried to stop it. I was so scared to make things awkward between us, or even worse, ruin the friendship. I was in denial.

One day, months later, after a fun weekend spent together, I decided I had to say something. I experienced an intense knowing that it was all going to work out and we would create a beautiful life together. I needed her to know this too, no matter what the outcome. I wanted to tell her about how special our bond was, and that it was something well beyond friendship. I wanted her to see this really special, beautiful relationship growing between us. I wanted her to give us a chance. But, most importantly, I wanted to tell her that, even though I’m saying I want more with her, I would do whatever it took to preserve our friendship and keep that as the most important consideration.

I knew, without a doubt, that she would be scared. (A huge perk of dating your best friend—already knowing exactly how they’ll respond.) She would be hesitant for fear of ruining our friendship and creating irreversible change. She wouldn’t believe that I was serious and not just going through an “experimental” phase. Which meant my approach needed to be gentle, reassuring, and committed. 

Thank goodness for text messages, because, while I am the type of person that makes things happen once I get an idea, I’m also terrible with confrontation and awkwardness. A simple text laced with humor would be the way to deliver this life-changing message.

I spent several days trying to come up with the perfect message. And then, it took everything in me to press that send button. Staring at it for hours, opening and closing the app. Hovering my finger over the button and not being able to push send. 

We now call it, “The Text That Changed Everything.” And it truly was. After several long talks considering all the angles, we decided to experiment with evolving our friendship into more. It wasn’t easy, it certainly wasn’t smooth, but we wouldn’t change a thing. We both acknowledged that this would be a process, that it may stir up uncomfortable or unfamiliar emotions at times, and an open mind would be required. Without a solid commitment to doing the work, it would be far too easy to fall back into the comfort of friend-zone without giving our experiment a fair chance. Instead, we agreed to approach it with an open mind, guided by intuition, rather than fear or ego. It took a lot of effort to rewire five years of friendship, but we succeeded. Here’s how we did it:

Constant, open communication

Kicking off our experiment with a straightforward text message set the stage for how we would continue to communicate throughout the transition. It was important to create a judgment-free space where we could each voice—and validate—our feelings and concerns along the way.

Setting clear expectations from the get-go and being open and honest helped reinforce trust. We talked—and listened—a lot. It was a rollercoaster of mixed feelings and fear contrasted with hope and excitement. Being able to express the good and the bad openly with each other every step of the way made us feel safe and more confident to stay the course.

Structured dating

The biggest challenge by far was cultivating a romantic vibe between us. As besties, it was typical for us to hang out in sweatpants or yoga tights, hair in a bun, sans bras or makeup. Comfortable but not exactly romantic! To combat this habit, we implemented designated “date mode” times where we made an effort to get dressed in “real” clothes, do our hair and makeup and essentially treat the occasion as if we were going out with a stranger. We took turns every other week coming up with date ideas and formally asking each other out (including a calendar invite). A huge perk to already knowing the person you are dating is that it’s almost a sure bet that they’ll love your date idea. These structured times were a critical step in shifting our mindset from friends to dating couple. And yes, it was extremely awkward at first.

We embraced the awkwardness

We knew it would be there, but it still caught us by surprise. As besties, we supported each other through life struggles, health challenges, dating frustrations, and crushing breakups. We shared an intimate knowledge of each other’s personal lives yet there was still a side to each of us that was completely unfamiliar. Getting to know the romantic side of one another was, well, different. Imagine a long-time friend where the boundaries of physical contact never crossed beyond hello and goodbye hugs. Now imagine holding their hand, attempting to cuddle, or kissing them for the first time. It felt unnatural. The most effective relief came from acknowledging the elephant in the room and laughing about it. Shifting our dynamic required some patience, persistence, and humor, but, as time progressed, the awkwardness subsided, and we found ourselves sliding into a romantic mindset with more ease.

We opted for privacy

As excited as we were about our potential new love, we didn’t tell anyone right away. We share similar friend groups and didn’t want any outside voices or influence swaying our experiment. We decided it would be best to keep it private until we felt more confident in the outcome. Having this little secret also added an extra layer of fun and excitement while we were dating. And it turns out, once we felt comfortable sharing the news with our friends and family, no one was all that surprised!

We prioritized friendship

We made an important agreement right from the start—to prioritize the health of our friendship above all. It is the foundation of our relationship, romantic or otherwise; without it we have nothing. If at any time either of us felt like the friendship was becoming compromised, we would call off the experiment and do whatever it took to restore our friendship. This provided a sense of security for us both to continue on. 

Now, over a year after “The Text That Changed Everything,” we are a more-than-friends lesbian couple living together, building a business together, and creating a wonderful life together. We took a chance, made it through the transition alive, and both agree that it was the best thing we’ve ever taken a chance on.

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Through the stories and experiences shared in Real Relationships, we aim to understand and paint a more realistic, inclusive picture of relationships in the world today.

• Publish Date: October 2, 2019
• Last Updated: March 4, 2024

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